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Razhie
Dear Razhie, I rlly appreciate your time that you spent writing to me. However, there is a few things i need to clear up with you before you can fully understand the situation. Ugh this is hard to explain. You are correct i totally agree that she does not undertstand how to balance her relationships, but perhaps she does. It just seems like she doesnt care too. We spend time together, we are together all the time, BUT HE IS ALWAYS THERE. I rarely hang out with her by myself now and that bugs me because we always used to have eachothers backs and we talked all the time. When we are not with him, he asks me to come and what can i say hes my best friend too. But i dont expect her to choose between us, thats not what i meant. Its just that i took pride in comfort in knowing that we were eachothers number 1's and we looked to eachother for everything. It was like that for 3 years, people always said we were attached at the hips, and that we were like sisters. Its not that I want her to pick, its jus that i feel a comfort level to know that i WOULD be the one she would pick if she HAD TOO, which she doesnt and i would never make her...but it would still be nice to know. I mean i have been there so much longer then him, and it would hurt to know that their bond is more important than ours. Plus i dont understand why she tells him everything now instead of me. I am so sick of hearing him say did she tell u...did she tell u? My answer is always NO BECAUSE SHE NEVER TELLS ME ANYTHING ANYMORE. She always tells him. I don't think she truely understands how much i do for her. I take care of her when she is sick, i comfort her when HE TREATS HER LIKE DIRT. I copy my homework for her so she wont happen to do it.I make her food, I DO EVERYTHING A GOOD BEST FRIEND DOES. Instead of repaying me with the graditude i show her, SHE REPAYS IT TO HER BOYFRIEND. She does all that stuff for him and NOT FOR ME ?! Last night she said and i quote "he treats me like dirt and i dont deserve it" I wanted to smack her. SHE TREATS ME LIKE DIRT AND I DONT DESERVE IT! She can be so hipicritical HELP ME PLZ !!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Nothing you’ve said here is changing my advice hun.
You really need to take a deep breath and a look at what you can and cannot change.
You CANNOT change her feelings for him, or her choice to date him.
You CANNOT change her desire to confide in him.
You CANNOT change what she decides to confide in you.
You CANNOT change the way she chooses to balance her relationships.
You have absolutely no control over those things. You never did and you never will.
You can't earn her confidence no matter what you do. You could be her slave! It still wouldn't 'make' her tell you anything. There is no 'pay back' when it comes to friends. It just doesn't work that way.
I think you unknowingly admitted what the biggest problem here is: You took PRIDE in your special place in her life. Your pride is hurt and your desire to be 'picked first' is a selfish one that is going to keep making you miserable until you let it go.
And those are good things!
Because you CAN control your own feelings.
You CAN get that pride under control.
You CAN accept that just because you might not be #1 doesn't mean you aren't important.
You CAN stop doing things for her.
You CAN stop feeling bitter about her ingratitude.
You CAN talk to her about your pain.
You CAN ask her to help you preserve your special bond by spending time together and looking for reinforcement and affection.
You CAN EVEN end the friendship if it doesn't make you happy anymore.
Those are the things you CAN do to make this situation better.
If you keep focusing all your energy onto trying to change her, you are only going to keep being disappointed and frustrated. She might not be prefect, she might not even be a very good friend, but if you want this situation to change it is YOU who has to start that change.
She is not going to change. Why should she? If you are such a good friend, why would she bother changing? She is getting everything she needs from you.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST CHANGE. Not because you are the ‘bad guy’ but because you are the one who NEEDS the change.
Stop obsessing and running in circles, start changing the things that upset you. Don't accept the behavoir you don't like. Don't give her things you don't want too. Don't hang out with people you don't want too. SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR INTERESTS IN A RESPECTFUL WAY as I outlined in my pervious advice.
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