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trouble getting close to people
ok so in the past couple of months ive tried to make friends by talking to them and having a conversation, and its generally working. however, once i find that this person might be considering me as "more than an acquaintance", i like freak out and cant handle the..pressure? like i feel that i wont live up to their standards of what they want me to be. and i know someone's gonna say "dont worry, blah, all you can do is be a friend" but like i have standards for friendship too..number 1, they have to make me laugh. and if a person doesnt make me geniunely laugh, then i feel like im forcing myself to be interested in them and i hate the feeling of..a superficial friendship? idk.
and the more i try to be closer to people the more i resent the person. like i feel like i cant talk to people about my problems, my life always has to be peachy. people frequently describe me as "[my name here]? oh she's always such a happy person!" but inside im really not, its only bc i cant bring myself to share my problems, because..i guess im afraid i'll get hurt or the person will think wow this girl is really uncool, she has so many problems. NOTE, when i say problems, i dont mean stuff like "omg i left my hw @ home" i mean like "when he said that it really hurt my feelings"..i guess that means i have problems talking about my feelings. i CANT bring myself to do it! i actually have tried several times with diff people, and i always find that after trying to talk about stuff like that w/ someone the person always treats me DIFFERENT. like with pity, or contempt, or a sense of awkwardness. they wont treat me NORMAL! and its just depressing..and it hurts..and i guess thats why i feel i cant talk to anyone without being persistently asked, not even my close friends or family, and even after that i'll only talk if im under pressure to talk, so i dont make it seem like it is coming up out of nowhere.
advicenators is the only place i can write this because im anonymous and ill never talk to you guys again, so i cant be hurt.
ugh..
advice is appreciated..thanks for reading.
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f/14
okay alot of people would end up saying that all you can do is be a friend well you should just really be yourself. and well your standards are alot like mine...and i cant tell anyone my problems except my two home gurls. i've known them since one 3rd grade and the other 4th. and we have been tight since..only they dont get along with eachother. and i have had them in my life for a long time but see i didnt tell them what really went on in my life till we knew eachother for two to three years. trust and friendships take time to build and yeah people can have pity but i think its honestly rediculous to just show pity and think that way. it makes you feel pathetic. and i have gone through hell but i make people feel like they dont need to when they ask or try to. and well everyone thinks they have it the worst (well alot of people)but hey dont and you should just be yourself and even if i havent helped you well then i can say i tried
hope i did though. bye
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Hey!
I think you have social anxiety. A lot of people have it to some extent, but you seem to have it a fair bit. They say that anxiety is a healthy thing UNTIL it prevents you from leading a healthy life. In your case it is preventing you from making friends. This is just a guess though, I'm not qualified to diagnose you with it or anything, but its something to think about, and possible research, or talk to your doctor about.
I think that you need to learn how to become more comfortable with talking to people about issues in your life (You are very much like me, I am very happy on the outside, and a while back I was depressed. I confided in my best friend and she was completely totally shocked because she didnt even think that it was possible that I could be upset about something). Try and learn to confide in people. I know this something that is easier said than done, but here is what I would suggest. Everyday, find something small that is something you wouldnt normally say to someone, and try and find someone to talk to about it. Confiding in someone is a universal sign that you want to reach out to someone. I know you say that you can't bring yourself to do it, but you can. I believe in you, all you need to do is set your heart on it. And dont think that I am being a hypocrit, or that I don't understand. I do, believe me, I do, but I also know that facing your fears or anxiety takes effort, and a good mind set. You can do it.
You're putting on an act by acting happy all of the time, you need to break though it. That will take a lot of work, but baby steps okay? I know that there is fear of rejection or being treated differently, but what is actually going on is that you are waiting for them to treat you differently, so you see it happen, you pick it out, when there is a possibility that they actually arent doing that at all. Theres a chance of course that they are, but I think you're just really picking up on it.
It may seem impossible but you can face your fears. if you're not sure how, let me know and I can give you some more advice.
I am wondering if you are in touch with your own feelings. I think that if you arent, then maybe you should start writing down things, like a journal. Try and get really in touch with your feelings. if you are in touch with your own feelings then you are more likely to show them more.
You also need to start expressing your feelings, as difficult as it may be. If you aer angry, try and show it a bit, I'm still working on that one too, but if you try to express your feelings to other, it is more likely that that will come out as compassion.
High standards when it comes to friends is a good thing, but if someone is reaching out to you, don't reject them okay? That wouldnt be how you would want to be treated right? So maybe they can't be your best friend if they can't make you laugh, but maybe they can still be a good person to spend time with.
There is a lot of information to cover here, and I just touched on a lot of it, if you need more specific information or even just more guidance. I'm here for you, most of this stuff, I have gone through/am going through currently, so I understand, and I'm not going to judge you.
I know you can get through this, its just a matter of setting realistic goals and trying to get through them. I wanna wish you good luck, and I hope I helpped. Lots of love!
Angie91
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