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What really matters?
before I ask, I'd like to make a point: I am completely aware that males find sex important and especially in the teenage years. I know that alot of feelings could be driven by this (especially in the teens again), but if I were to say that my boyfriend and I have been together a year and still we have not had sex (we've been waiting for me to get ready and be prepared), would this surprise you? Given that yes, we are still in our teens.
My real question is, do guys fall in love easily? Or is sex one of the main things they go for? And if they do say, fall in love with someone, do they still scout about for other girls?
I am kind of looking for a link to my relationship - remember! A year, no sex... and we are very, very happy just as that :)
Thanks, Faye
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Hmmm.
Teenagehood really skews the numbers on this one. Plenty of guys are relatively shitty when they are younger and grow up at some point in regards to relationships.
Theres no one coherent answer to this. Sex is important to most guys, but how "sex being important" affects the guys behavior varies widely based on any number of factors. Personality, how they grew up, personal morals they might have decided on, etc.
One general guideline, is that guys stop looking at other girls when theyre dead. This has held fairly true for me. I'm a faithful partner, but I refuse to play the "youre the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen" game with a girlfriend. Then again, I also refuse to date girls who have self confidence issues that cause jealousy.
Speaking personally, sex is important. Example, I have never made it more than a month dating a girl without having sex with her, starting with the first girl I actually did sleep with.
Now, this isnt something I demanded, its just that I am attracted to girls to whom sex is equally important. The kind of girl I would eventually consider marrying, is the kind of girl who would not marry a guy without making sure hes talented in bed.
Now, that being said, I also want a romantic connection. I was raised to believe that relationships are supposed to be stable and long lasting, not nova affairs that blossom and die within a month or two when the passion cools and someone gets bored. Ive had a few short term relationships, but most of the women Ive slept with Ive dated for 6 months or more afterwards, I'm currently in a relationship that passed three years less than a month ago, and we had sex pretty early on.
Would I say I'm surprised by your relationship? Not really. I knew plenty of people who dated for long periods of time without doing much of anything physically. A girl I knew in high school went out with me (briefly, we werent compatible) and then the guy after me she dated for 7 months before they did more than hold hands.
The hard part in all this, I guess, is figuring out motive. Ten different guys can do the exact same action for ten different reasons. And its never easy to get inside someone's head and figure that part out.
One thing to keep in mind, most guys are driven more by logic than emotion.
Example. If a girl I were dating told me she wanted to wait until marriage for sex, then I would quickly break up with her.
Why? Because I do not believe in "the one". I believe in compatibility. And I know from experience that anyone who is religious enough and holds strong enough beliefs to want to wait until marriage for sex is not going to be compatible for me. We are going to have different viewpoints on relationships and whats important in life.
Honestly, theres also the fact that I refuse to date virgins anymore either. Not that its a problem, being taken and all, but I swore off the unexperienced years ago. Decided that the last thing I wanted to be saddled with is the responsibility of introducing someone to sex and teaching them that they love it. I'd rather start dating a girl after she's figured that much out.
It all comes down to the guy, and you can only figure out exactly where he weighs in by talking to him about it. There are as many viewpoints on this as there are stars in the sky, but the one thing you can count on, is that everyone wants to get laid at some point.
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I have noticed in alot of my past relationships that most of the guys tell you that they love you but then as soon as you have sex they want to break up. so the way that I look at it most guys yes do go for sex... but on the otherhand some of the guys out there are looking for love and that is all they want no matter if there is sex in the relationship or not. So the way that i look at it is that if oyu all are happy without having sex just wait and see where you all go and one day it will happen... the right moment and time.
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Edit
I do apologize if you found me patronizing. That wasn't the intention at all.
You had said 'I'd prefer no reference to age', so I made none. I spoke on what I knew of men and women in general, not of teenage men and women. So I am confused somewhat by your feelings on that subject� I'm only 23 myself. I'm not exactly in the position to be looking down my nose at anyone.
So I humbly suggest with all respect and frankly with no cocept of your age (you could be 13 or 19 for all I know) that you shouldn�t be quite so sensitive and certain that everyone older then you is out to disrespect you! Most of us aren�t. I simply share my views in a clear and decided way. I'm arrogant like that.
Secondly: what seems to be your main point of contention with me is that I assumed why you were making this question, you said �it was a matter of interest� and that I assumed you were �asking questions for [your] own pleasure.� Ignoring the fact that a matter of interest is most certainly grants a degree of personal pleasure ;)� please let me address what I think lead you to feel this way:
My statement that your questions were leading: Your questions have a certain bias them. The bias that 1.) sex is inherently more important to males and 2.) that for some reason men, may or may not or not fall in love �easily�. Easily compared to what? Women! So, the unsaid, but implied questions you were asking were �Do men fall in love easily or less easily then women?�
I took issue with your questions because they betrayed a culture bias that men are somehow less capable of non-sexual love then women. I am SURE, this was not your intention, but in phrasing your questions that way the bias was most certainly there. This bias didn�t lead me to judge you as either immature or insensitive or less intelligent. My pointing out that bias, was not out of disrespect to you, but out of the belief that you were clearly intelligent enough to persue this line of questioning and would be open to understanding the biased nature of the questions you had asked. Although that bias is prevalent in our culture, I believe to be the most insidious kind of sexism and I will always point out as such.
Finally, I meant no disrespect at all in my comments about your relationship. You said you were looking for a �link to your relationship� so I concluded with my comments about trust in response to that. They lead logically from my belief that love was not a gender specific experience, but an expression between two people, any two people, even genderless, of trust and respect.
After writing out all this, and re-reading my orginal advice, I find I certainly owe you an apology. I wasn't nearly clear enough on why I found your line of questioning to be inappriopraite. I hope you can now see that I meant you no disrespect at all and I'm sorry I didn't make my explinations clearer in the first place.
/Edit
I'm not male, but I really don't think that matters too much here.
You are asking leading questions, which implies you are trying to get the answers you already believe are true... that can cause people to ask the wrong questions.
So are men loyal in love? About as loyal as women are.
Can they live happily without sex? Certainly, there are examples of celibacy and abstinence throughout our world for centuries by both men and women. Although it�¢ï¿½ï¿½s generally agreed that men feel the drive to have sex in a more powerful way, neither men nor women are slaves to our hormones. If we thought that men weren�¢ï¿½ï¿½t capable of happiness and respecting others unless they were getting laid, rape would probably not be crime. But rape is a crime, because we know men are perfectly capable of living fulfilling lives without sex with a particular women.
Do they keep looking? Hell yes. Don't you keep 'looking' at Johnny Deep, Brad Pitt and that cute guy who works at Starbucks? I know I do. Those with eyes look. Those with brains fantasize.
Some people, both men and women, will look much less, or not all, because of their personality and drives. Some will look much more for the same reasons.
I know, those aren't the answers you were looking for, but those ARE the answers. Although men and women are very different, when it comes to the big questions and values: Love, life, trust, loyalty, aspirations, friendship... we are all just human. Some of us are good humans, some of us are less good. To believe men somehow less capable then women of empathy, respect and love, is as sexist as a man believing women are too irrational to vote.
Our society tells and teaches young males certain things about their urges, some of which are generally true and some of which aren't so true. Individual males choose what they believe and value in their relationship according to who they are. Period.
Love cannot be divided on gender lines. Neither can the experience of sex. There are a lot of grey zones in the world hun. Although it nice to pin up generalizations like "Men really like sex", they are still just generalizations and not true for all people.
This however, is true: In a relationship, you must trust your partner. If you partner says they are happy in your relationship (in your case, happy having not had sex yet) is it a disservice and disrespectful to them to disbelieve them because of their gender. If they are lying to you, well, that will become a problem in the future for sure. But unless you think they are lying scum, male of female, you owe your trust and belief.
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