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Son & his Girlfriend Problem
My son is dating a girl who, I feel, is very spoiled by all the material blessings that have been bestowed on her lately (a new BMW, a $l,700 ring from her Dad, A Birthday party with a limousine and dinner for l5). It's not so much the fact that she has received these things, but, that there have been big changes in her personalilty because of it.
I was doing her nails (I am a nail technician) and after l0 minutes of hearing all about this extravagant party and the limo and the ring her dad was about to buy her, I kind of "got all over her case" about how she would feel if her and my son ended up together someday and he could not provide all the material things that she so loves for her. My husband and I are people who live paycheck to paycheck and these things big presents are not something we can do. I guess that is why I started talking to her about this, because it bothers me that we cannot provide all this materialism for our sons. We also had just gone through a legal crisis involving my older son who got into a situation where he was accused of doing something he did not do and was arrested for. It cost us $l3,000 to get a lawyer. The case was dismissed, but the bill still stays the same. So, I guess this is why I came down sort of hard on her, because I basically said that she was spoiled to her. It seems to me that all she cares about are her designer bags or shoes or her horse, or her car or her jewelry. Maybe because it came all at once it seems to be so much. Like I said, it's not the stuff as much as it is her attitute since she got all of this. She got mad because my son couldn't get her a $200 handbag for Christmas.
My saying something to her was proably wrong, but I am concerned for my son. I also feel guilty in a lot of ways because I can't be as generous to my children. But, I don't want him to be in a situation that will make him unhappy where he has to cater to her material whims. She is really bossy and pushy with him. Everything has to be her way no way.
I know I should keep my opinions to myself, but it is too late, I already told him how I feel. Then the worst happend...my son did not hang up the phone when I was talking to him about her and she heard me say that the "last car accident she was in could have been avoided if she had more experience". She had two accidents last year 6 months apart and totalled both cars. Both technically not her fault. I could be wrong, but it was just an opinion.
I feel bad about saying things about her to him, but, I can't help feeling this way. I know I cannot fix this can I. They have been dating two years. I don't want them to break up. I just wish she would go back to the sweet person she was when we met her two years ago.
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Hey!
well I think that you should just think about all of this for a second. You can not change people, so no matter how much you talk about it, she isnt going to one day be less "spoiled" or less "Materialistic". No matter how often you tell her how you feel she isnt going to change, shes just going to hate you. No matter how much you voice your opinion to your son, he is not going to change the way he feels about her.
So were you wrong interfering? yes. its their life, and as much as you love your son and want the best for him, he thinks she is best for him so you either have to be happy for him or accept that this is his choice.
So how do you keep your opinions to your self? well first off, before you ever open your mouth to say something think of the classic saying: "if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all". It may be something you would tell your son, but sometimes we can benefit from our own advice. and second think of how she is going to take what ever you are going to say. sure there isnt always a lot of time to think about this kind of stuff, but think before you speak. think, is there any way she could take this the wrong way. and finally, think of how you would feel if she was saying this same thing about you. if it would hurt you, then dont say it. treat people the way you want to be treated.
remember, this is the girl your son loves, theres got to be something great about her.
I think that the best way to respond to this situation and move on, is to apologize for anything you have said. Even if you dont feel like its your fault, be the big person, you're a mother, you can bring yourself to be strong.
I hope that you can mend the relationship between her and you, before it gets unbareable. I also hope that I helped, but let me know if there is anything else I can help you with. Good luck, lots of love,
angie91
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You owe her an apology. What you said was not 'probably wrong', it was very wrong of you to confront a teenage girl in such a way.
You are the parent here and you are not obligated to keep your opinions to yourself but your concerns about their relationship and her attitude should be brought up in a concerned and loving way with YOUR SON, not her.
The fact that you didn't mention in the least what her response was to your being
'hard on her' makes it seem to me as though you are completely aware that this has a great deal more to do with your stress and frustration, then it does with her behavior.
I feel I should also mention to you that I too have bias in this: I come from a very wealthy family who have been generous and provided many things for me as a teen: I had a car, two horses, jewelry and lovely European adventures and travels. At seventeen I was only beginning to realize what this did to me as a person, and learning to appreciate the lives and limitations that others had. I have now gradated from university and lead a simple life with few luxuries, a not-so-well paying job that I adore. I don't think anyone has thought of me as 'spoiled' in years and no one but my closest friends would even be aware of my parent's income bracket.
Although I certainly do miss some of the perks (man, what I wouldn't do for a PS3). I am happy with my life. My happiness, my desires and goals, are not defined by how much money my parents have made.
Hers might not be either, but you can't possibly know that yet. Neither can she. She's seventeen for fucks sake. She hardly knows herself yet. Your son hardly knows himself yet either!
Apologize to the girl and to your son. Perhaps do it in a letter if you feel that a spoken conversation would be difficult for you to manage. Explain that your own fears and troubles with money lead you to speak to her unfairly (and you DID speak unfairly). Tell them that although their differences in family earnings worries you, you trust them to come to compromises that will work (as they must be doing decently well, having managed to stay together for 2 years.)
From now on I would challenge you to support your son when you see him being treated unfairly by this girl. Listen to him and encourage him to be honest with both you and her when her demands are excessive or her behavior pushy. You canâ??t tell him how to run his love life, but you can understand of where he is coming from. Like many parents, you need to listen more then you speak, and let him make his own mistakes. Step into the picture only when he is serious danger. Allowing him to experience and own his own relationship troubles (rather then becoming one of those troubles yourself) will allow him to learn how to solve them, and perhaps eventually, break-up with this girl, and end them.
When you insult the girl he is dating, you insert a wedge between him and yourself. You have given these two something new to bound and over: their anger at you.
Be the adult, apologize and be supportive. Only become protective when the situation truly warrants it.
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