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I Just Don't Know
I've been going out wit this gurl - gurl of my dreams. Well that is except for the turmoil that's there between her, and her X boyfriend.
Ah. She's been going out with this guy for over four years, but then she breaks up with him having me come into her arms. Of course I thought, and still do suspect that I'm just being used as a shield sort of. I even brought it up, and told her that she could dump me any time, but then she started crying. Even calling me a jerk. Her little sister talked to me about this, and she had quite a convincing arguement: that she would neve do this, and if she were she would have gotten back together with her X.
Now one day I'm in her house, and in her bed at 4am. The front door is slamming, and it's her X trying to break it down. Then he yells that we're dead, and kicks in her living room window. After all of that, and the cops I took her to my house. On top of my bed as were about to dose off she tells me she knows why he might be acting so crazy, and then she admitted to me that she had sex with him 2 days after they broke up. Note that thats when she started hanging out with me. Meanwhile she's defending this lunatic after he came to her house drunk, and attempted a breaking and entering.
After tonight I'm just depressed, and sickened by these events let alone the fact that I just don't feel like I should be with this girl: it's just to good to be true that a gurl like this has just dived into my arms. Tonight she told me that she went to her X's house, and talked to him about the situation. She tells me how she feels bad for him, wants to drop the charges, can now tell that he's really sorry, and likes that he said that he wants to have children with some girl and shes the girl he hopes who it'll be with. Then she said that she was happy with that image.
Oh, and now she said that she might possibly not talk to me until this withdrawal her X is having is over with. Right now she just texted me that she misses me.
What is this, and where is this going?
Just FYI for the majority of my life I've had no friend, and was told that I'm ugly. I have no emotions, dignity, pride, and I just feel as horrible as I did before I met her now. I myself am assuming the worse. I have my downward negative 90 degree social trend that I have going on to consider after all especially with the opposite sex.
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I sincerly hope you learn to dream bigger darling.
Somebodies dreams have come true here, but I highly doubt they are yours.
This lucky lady has her ex, who she clearly obesses over and does her best to take care of AND you, who worship her and who she can call, or ignore, as she chooses too.
She is using you, not just a shield, but as a distraction and a disciple. Her 'honesty' about her confused feelings for her ex is being used as mask for that fact she really just wants attention, yours and his! At the same time if she can swing it.
She can't deal with being single and she will do anything to keep the both of you clinging to her. She leads him on, enables him, excuses him and keeps on talking to him and welcoming him in her life.
A truly frightened girl would rarely do that. A frightened girl lets the cops deal with it and refuses to speak to the guy ever agian. A truly frightened girl doesn't go over to his house to 'talk' about druken breaking and entering.
A drama queen behaves that way.
As for you, she pushes you away and then drags you closer agian, all the while keeping the focus entirely on her, how wonderful she is, how in need she is, how deeply she is suffering.
In fairness to her, she probably is confused and suffering, but that doesn't justify your treatment of you.
This girl can't address your needs from this relationship, in fact, she probably doesn't even care what they are.
Please, grow a pair, seriously. Get some confidence and a shred of self-love and tell this girl to call you when she gets her head on straight. You are headed down a bad road with this one and anything else will only cause you (more) pain.
Don't blame yourself. Any 'failure' you might experience with this girl has to do with her own drama-loving and self absorbtion. You are probably perfect for her, she is just too egotistical to notice. A good guy like you could be perfect for a lot of girls, go find one of them.
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4 years was a loooong time for a relationship and then she just ends it and goes with you, I think she is trying to make her ex jealous by using you, and thats not cool. Shouldn't the girl of your dreams be the one who boosts your self esteem, makes you feel secure, happy, loved? NOT used, betrayed, 2nd best, depressed, sickened. Ig this girl is the one of your dreams, then get her out of them. She has mentioned to you more than once that she has gone and seen her ex and maybe she just needs moral support, but you shouldn't be thrown around like a rag doll by someone who makes you feel low. You don't desereve that treatment from her, there are SO many other girls with less drama and kinder hearts out there, so choose one of them. This relationship is obviously going on when she feels like it, going back and forth from you to the lunatic ex. It's not healthy and I suggest finding someone who will love all of your flaws and just loves you, not use you for the time being.
Hope you make the right decision
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Ok, with having a low self esteem, do you really think this relationship is healthy for you?
She seems to still be too concerned about her ex, his feelings, she makes excuses for his bad behavior, and likes the image of having children with him. Why are you still with her, subjecting yourself to this?
I know you like her and THINK she is the girl of your dreams, but she is only going to make your self esteem worse.
The girl of your dreams wouldn't treat you this way. And to be honest, the sad fact is that it sounds like she is using you for a rebound relationship, at the least. That isn't fair to you- you deserve much better than that.
I think you would be wise to end things and get yourself in order. You need to start liking yourself. You have to love yourself before you can possibly love her.
Maybe in this period of finding a way to improve your self image, she will grow up. Maybe then you can try this relationship again, and maybe then it will be successful.
ygs-29/f
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