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stressed about friends' alliances
13/f
I LOVE being with my friends. I just love to be comfortable and included and feel like I'm important. I just really stress over mistakes that I make around them. Like today I accidentally hit my friend in the jaw with a medicine ball, and I apologized and everything, but I feel really awful that she won't want to be with me or anything anymore. I don't know why. I just feel this awful pit in my stomach. I know that friend I hit gets really serious with talking trash about people she doesn't like, and every time I see her my stomach flips. I also feel like when I'm around some of my friends sometimes I feel this sense of annoyance, like they don't like me or don't want to talk to me, but they don't express it in actions or words. I just feel afraid that if I do something wrong to make someone hate me, I'm going to lose everything. I tried so hard to make friends when I was younger, and now that I have them, I want to hold as tight as I can, but I know I need to be looser, funner and more free-spirited about things. I just care too much. I love my friends, and they love me, but I fear that they just will leave me when I keep telling myself that friends wouldn't do that, and I have no reason to be afraid of my friends. I just am afraid of saying the wrong thing, taking things too seriously, not respecting people's preferances that I am unaware of, things like that. Any help?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Well, if you sense that your friends are annoyed with you sometimes, it might be true. And it could be because you're trying TOO hard to be liked. For example, when you apologized to the girl for hitting her, did you say it once or twice and then move on? Or did you go on and on and on about how sorry you were? If you seemed overly concerned that she was gonna be mad about it, then yes... that could be a little annoying.
Don't get me wrong... It's great to be a nice person! But when you go overboard with the niceness, beyond what's normal, people can see through it. Instead of seeing a nice person, they see someone who's insecure, lacks confidence, and is desperately afraid that people won't like them. It's like saying, without words, "Please like me! Please be my friend! Please don't leave me!" It makes you seem needy and desperate... and that actually pushes people away, rather than drawing them towards you.
If people get the impression that YOU don't feel worthy of their friendship, then subconciously they think, "Hmmm... if SHE doesn't feel likable, then maybe she's right, maybe she's not very likable after all."
It's like you said... people are drawn to people who are fun and free-spirited. In other words, confident and secure. They can sense when someone likes herself, and that makes them like her, too!
Back to the medicine ball example. If you said, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" and then sort of laugh about it and move on... that's the same as saying, "I know you like me and you'll forgive me, because I'm worth having as a friend." But if you went on and on and seemed super worried about it, the underlying message is, "I don't think you like me enough to forgive me because I'm not good enough to keep as a friend."
See what I mean?
But don't worry. Even if you AREN'T really confident, you can fake it! Watch some of the people you like and admire, and take some mental notes on how they act with their friends in different situations. It will give you some ideas about what traits make people enjoyable to be around.
But most importantly... have some faith in yourself! You ARE a nice person, and people WILL like you for who you are. So try to relax and enjoy your friends.
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you're right, friends dont leave you for making slight mistakes. friends accept you along with your mistakes. if they leave you then they weren't real friends. i've learned that if you just live your life and smile at school and act friendly, you just kindof naturally make friends with people around you. people who like you for you, because you didn't have to try so hard for them to be your friend.
just, whenever you find yourself worrying about things your doing, just stop and let it go and just be yourself.
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