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I've lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness...
I am feeling really low right now. Have you ever poured your heart out at someone? and they just threw it back in you face? Well I hope not, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I just expierienced that very thing today after school.
Freshman year in highschool I met this guy. His name is Ethan. He was the best guy friend any girl would want. He was sweet, caring, and always said the right thing. Well, I naturally started falling for him. With a little push from my loud, obnoxious friend, he had the courage to ask me out. So yes, that it how it all started, it was all fine and great until he changed from kind, sweet Ethan to the know it all, egotistical Ethan. I am a very passive person most of the time. I was very patient with him and accepted and loved him despite his annoying additude.
It worked out also because we both had and have a passion for drama and being on stage, so we got to be in plays together and spend time together constantly in after-school activities.
The problem started at our lunch table. Ethan didn't get along with my friends. I may have put up with his know it all aditude, but they didn't. My friends hated him, and I think they still do. I was a fool and sided with my friends. They seemed so right. I began seeing Ethan in a differant light. I slowly began to find every bit of him repulsive. Everytime I would be talking with a friend about him, I felt compelled to be a jerk and agree with all the negative conotations they labeled him with. It got to the point when I was telling people I was going to break up with him after the Christmas dance. I think Ethan began to see the way I had changed. He gave up on my friends and moved to another lunch table. Then my friends really started slamming him with 'bad boyfriend' labels and I the idiot I was believed him.
The day came and I decided I was breaking up with him after school. But that same day he beat me to the punch. I was devistated. I got so mad at him, and said things I didn't mean. He followed me, trying to hold my hand and console me, but I was furious. I was such a jerk and I know it now.
So that was it. I think the worst moment was when I climbed into that car, and drove away from the school. It all hit me on what had happened. A love song came on the radio, and I just cried and cried.
I am now a sophmore in highschool. It has be a long time since I even cared about this. But a couple weeks ago, I was lying in bed, and it just hit me all over again, like deja-vu. I felt horrible. As I lay tossing and turning in my bed, I knew the only way I was going to sleep was to write down my feelings. That is just how I operate I guess. So this writing turned into a very long letter...to Ethan. It basicially was saying how I really miss being his friend, how I want to be friends again, and just apologizing for letting my friends decide who I should care about. I also included a painting I had painted for him and never gave to him because I was mad at him for some reason. So, now I regret it... but I gave him the note. I gave him something that was a total theriputic exercise for me. I guess my reasoning was that it might make him feel better about himself, and put me in the good graces with him again.
So, basicially he said nothing. On the note I said I wanted to talk about it..but he said NOTHING. I was devistated, the only thing I had to comfort me was the thought that he was probably feeling good about himself- and that's why I gave it to him anyways. But I couldn't stop thinking about how he was kinda saying 'no, I won't be your friend', which cut me deeply...
So all of that doesn't matter now because today after school he finally talked...well kind of...
I was at my locker after religion class (which I have with him)Just then my friend Kaleb who has no association with Ethan decides to start singing 'It's too late to apologize' by Timberland (just a strange coicidence) Ethan then tapped me on the shoulder, and started a mildly awkward casual conversation, and asked to talk after school. I said fine, and all was fine and dandy. I was then on an emotional high. I was thinking...'finally he's coming around! He understands!'...So yep, I was happy. After school I found him and he led me down a hallway to talk..that's when it got weird. He was ReAllY awkward now, and extremely uptight and rude. This is basically all he said, not really letting me talk and making me extremely nervous: So what's up? Are you ok...now? are you FInE and dandy.. now?.... I got a few ums here and there and maybe a 'kinda' it was horrible. Then I said how I felt: "Well,, it kinda hurt my feeling when you didn't talk at first. It was like you were saying...No, I won't be your friend' He didn't really resond to this, I think he said some thing like: 'you're ok now though?' Then he said 'stay here' and just started leaving and was basically saying, stop following me. I was mad and showed it made a face and walked away. Then he started following me. It was like that night all over again. THis time I let him talk. He just kept asking that question and I tried to change the subject once again: "Do you like...hate me or something?" He said "no, if I hated you I wouldn't be looking at you." Then he looked at me but it was definately forced, and it made me feel really low. THen he was being awkward and started playing with my hair and then tried to put his hand around my shoulder. I still wanted to talk but he seemed compelled to end it. he asked the question again and I said: 'yeah...but' and he cut me off again and said 'good, that's all I care about.' Then he put his hand around my should awkwardly and I did it back. (a half hug thing) then he said, 'give me a hug' or something and I did. Then he looked me in the eyes and said whenever you need something just tell me' I thought that was sweet, but he said it really insincere. I left feeling horrible. I wanted to cry. I was and am very embarressed. So here I sit once again. Thankfully this is not a letter this time, it's late and I'm tired. I just don't know what to do. Should I pursue him as a friend still? Or just leave the poor guy alone?
ps I still think I have feelings for him. Last night I had a dream about him, walking and holding hands..just talking. I woke up, and I was angry I woke up. I think that's a big sign I do still...=/
Help..
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'm sorry to say but it is a lot easier to get over someone if you aren't talking to them, but if you truly think that he'll make you happy and it can all work out, I'd say go for it, but first bring it to his attention that he had changed drastically from super sweet to egotistical. (Also keep in mind that he might have acted that way because he had that ego-boost since you said yes to going out with him).
Just remember, don't beat yourself up over this. Maybe you did side with your friends, but you had every right to since he was showing off his negative qualities quite a lot. And now, it's up to him how things will work out, you've already done what you can.
Also remember to never let anyone make you feel like you're not worth them. Consider it his loss if he doesn't want to continue to be friends.
Best of luck =)
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