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the world that's caving
i feel soooooo lonely.... i have, or had friends... but "my" values don't let me have any. outside people are strictly for formal favors and contacts u c.. but that is besides the point. imagine if you couldn't make any friends or you live on an island with a wild donkey or jackass. you can't talk to them you can't tame them and you u surely can't eat them.....
i am so alone and so many things are running in my mind and it hurts so much. and everyday i discover a small piece of glass in my hart that is pricking harder and harder.
my grandfather died yesterday... and i really love my parents but they and i don't get along.
i am hurting so much i feel like committing suicide in fact that is precisely what i need to do right now.
i can't keep things bottled anymore or else i would die a slow and morbid death.............. when i was a child i was capable of bottling years and years of shit... and now i can't control it its either thoughts of death takeover to get rid of those voices in my head or i just tell the world all the things i shouldn't be saying to shut those voices up..........
yesterday i was dancing to a song by nickodemus... and yesterday my grandfather died... but its not because he died i danced. usually i'm like that... one day i am happy and dancing and hyper and the next day i am about to throw myself off of a building... i get so sad when i am alone... because those voices arrive.... even if the jackass is the only option of not staying alone, i'd rather him run over me than those voices... and that jackass killed all the other prettier animals that i loved and left me there with it... i don't know why... am i a jackass too? like don't kill like...
i hate myself, i can't live with it... i do things i am not supposed to.. i have sexual urges i can't repress and i've never been intimate....and i don't want to.... i pick things that are "not fit for" me.... always things that are "beneath me" or out of reach.... i really feel alone and ugly from the inside.. i am want to throw up the puss... i need to cry... this is the millionth question i've asked...
but no one gets how it is... i can't find the damn answer i am looking for... but still i rate 5 to be nice to those who give a damn...
i am really feeling bad...
please someone just for a minute.... my heart is covered in shreds of glass.....
i hate myself. i hate the voices in my head. help...
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i wish there were more important questions like this one. i don't know if i'll ever be able to help you, but i'd love to try and get through. i'm sorry to be the millionth person to tell you this, but going to a therapist or something of the sort IS the best solution, not suicide. i say this because i'm doing so myself, and just the thought and the probability of ever being happy and normal like others, and above all, the curiosity, makes me not want to give up. i know it sucks that you still haven't found the answer to your question, but better yet, focus on finding a solution. i'm ready and willing to talk about your problems whenever you want, if you want. just ask a question to my inbox and i can tell you where to reach me. i just hope you take my word for it: seek medical attention. don't let embarrassment or lack of hope and/or motivation keep you from happiness. hope i helped <3.
***EDIT***
well then i'm really glad you took that first step, and i really hope the treatment works for you. you shouldn't be ashamed, its not your fault, and in the end, the experience really only makes you stronger. pay no mind to people and their ignorance, and ALWAYS do what's better for you, even if it is "selfish", because you deserve it. and please, don't keep things bottled up inside, find someone you can really trust, even if its in here, and let it all out.
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honestly, keeping all your feelings bottled up inside tends to catch up with you. if you truely are having thoughts of ending your life you need to go to the hospital. i am not trying to make you feel bad. in fact, i also have gone through a time where i tried to kill myself. all i wanted to do is end the pain. but God didn't let me die. i lived. and amediatly i began to relize that nothing in this world is worth killing yourself over. i know you feel like you have been let down, many times. i know you feel alone. like everyone in your life dissapointed you in somehow. the truth is, you are never alon. God is there, and he loves you. And he is your friend, and will never leave your side. it is hard to have faith when you feel you have nothing left. pray to God how you feel. it is not selfish to pray about person things. he is your friend. you can talk to him about anything. and i will be your friend to. all you have to do is write to me anytime you want on here. i will be your friend. you are not alone in this world. i know exacly what you are going through. dig deep inside your heart, agnore the voices in your head, that is just the devil, but God's voice is louder. he can scrape the glass out of your heart, and heal it with comfort and peace. But he has a purpose for you, and it isn't death. you are not worthless. you are amazing person with true feelings and emotion. don't give up. please, don't harm yourself, love yourself. because you are definitly worth loving. and God has people out there who will love you in return. so keep praying, keep fighting, know that God loves you, and try to keep smiling.
nina :)
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**EDIT** Good for you! You are on the road to living a long, happy life! :D
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Ok, listen. I agree completely with the other columnist- you NEED to seek professional help. Right away.
If you are hearing voices in your head, there is something definitely wrong, but it isn't something that can't be fixed if you strive to solve the problem.
If you are happy and dancing one day and contemplating suicide the next, you may be suffering from an number of psychological issues such as manic depression or bipolar disorder, etc. Such things CAN be made better with treatment. You CAN FEEL BETTER with treatment.
There is no reason in this world that you should have to go through life feeling the way that you do. You don't deserve to feel like shit- you are better than all that.
You don't deserve to feel as though suicide will solve your problems- you are better than all that.
Suicide solves NOTHING. All it does is make all of your loved ones feel like shit. All it does is make your loved ones ask "WHY?" and "IS IT MY FAULT?" and "I WISH I COULD HAVE HELPED. WHY COULDN'T I HELP?"
All it does is allow you to take your own future away from yourself.
It doesn't make the pain go away. It just causes more pain. It isn't worth it at all. So DON'T.
Even though you don't get along with your parents, you need to say something. It totally sucks ass that you think you have to just suffer and go through this alone. Just because you don't get along doesn't mean they don't love you and that they don't care. It doesn't mean that they won't help you seek much needed help. Parents want what's best for their children, including yours. So SAY SOMETHING and SEEK HELP. Right away.
You DESERVE to have a happy existence. You DESERVE to enjoy life. You DESERVE to live in your future.
To kill yourself is a waste. Don't be a waste. Be a SOMEBODY until your intended time to leave this world (which is a long time from now).
You are not alone in this world. If you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to send to my inbox on this site or to my email posted on my column.
Seriously, seek professional help right away. You deserve to do that for yourself. :)
ygs-29/f
Don't rate me a 5 to be nice. Rate me a 5 if I actually helped you. I truly hope I was a shred of help to you.
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im sorry about your grandfather.
i think you should go to a psychologist.
thats what i did. suicide is not the way out trust me. ive been close with 3 people who have killed themselves and you have NO IDEA how many pepole it affects. DONT DO IT. please.
seriously, go to your school counselor and tell him or her you need to talk to someone and they will refer you. or just look someone up. if you love your parents you wont do this.
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