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Can't stand best pals new boyfriend!! What to do??
To start off with, we are a tight knit circle of friends who've known each other for years. Some are single, some are coupled. We regularly get together, have BBQ's, brunches, picnics, etc...A really fun group of folks! We live in a small city (San Francisco) so it's really easy to become a tight knit group of friends.
In a nutshell, a close friend has fallen completely head over heels with Mr. Wonderful. However, Mr. Wonderful really isn't that wonderful. He's managed in one year of them dating to start fights with almost every single one of her friends, he's done jealous and nutty acts, I believe him to be bipolar, he checks her voice messages and emails. He's jealous to the extreme and cocky. He brags and only talks about his money -which I honestly don't believe he even has!
The problem? My friend is crazy in love with this ass. He's fought with all her friends and instead of seeing that there's a pattern, she chalks it up to individual circumstances.
For one year now, I've been gracious and respectful out of support for my friend and her love of this guy. However, I can't stand it anymore! This guy is an extreme jerk. People have stopped inviting her to their parties and social gatherings on account of not wanting her to bring her boyfriend.
A month ago, she realized that he was being kind of a jerk and threatened to break up with him if he doesn't shape up his act. Since then, he's been an absolute angel --but I don't believe it to be sincere. The problem is, nobody especially wants to be-friend him again after all he's done. Just because he's being "nice" all of a sudden, he takes no responsibility of apologizing to anyone. Instead, he just wants to pretend like everything terrible (and I mean, TERRIBLE) that he's done to many individuals in the group, just has never happened.
Now, he's trying to be an angel at social gatherings and just expects people to "like him" all of a sudden. When people shun him or try to not engage with him, he pulls on her heart strings and says "see, your friends are mean and won't talk to me". Frankly, after all he's done, it would take a while to rebuild trust. An apology would be ideal, but we'll NEVER see anything of the sort. He believes he's done no wrong...
How do we all gracefully deal with this? Already, I feel like she's hurt most of her closest friendships by choosing to continue dating this guy. All I can think of is to be supportive but distant with my friend. It's affecting our formerly close friendship (as well as many of her formerly close friendships).
This guy is a master manipulator that really has her suckered! Advice?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You know the old saying "love is blind"? From what you describe of your friend and her 'Mr. Wonderful" that seems to be the case.
So what can you do about it? Unfortunately, not much. If your friend is in love with this guy then she will just resent anything negative you have to say about him, putting even more strain on your relationship.
I went through this with one of my friends in college who was one of the best people you could meet but was blind when it came to guys. She ended up staying with this guy that we all DESPISED for nearly four years. They even lived together and had plans for marriage and she refused to listen to any of our warnings that this guy was a jerk. The thing that finally woke her up from her lover's daydream was discovering that she had an STD (from him cheating on her).
If he's physically harming her you can call the police. There's not much you can do otherwise though, I'm sorry to say. I know it's painful to see a friend in a bad situation. Hopefully something will help her to realize that he's not so wonderful after all (and it won't take something serious to teach her that).
I hope for her sake that she is in counseling to help her with making some better choices in her life. But again, you can't force someone to do that either.
You are in a tough spot. Hang in there to the point that you can. My guess is that sooner or later she's going to wake up and see him for who he is- hopefully sooner rather than later.
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Noone who is as evil as you describe can remain "an absolute angel" for long. With a little patience Mr. Master Manipulator will reveal his true colors once again and your friend will need you to support her in her disappointment. In the meantime, be as supportive as you can. In fact, if you really want to strengthen the bonds with this friend, accept this man's change of heart with an open mind. Do your best to welcome him back into your circle. Then when he does his 180 back to his old self try really hard not to say "I told you so."
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