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humorist-workshop
dad is WAY too harsh
So my brother was never really a great student. He finished his first year of college with mostly 2.0's. My dad was furious because my brother lied and said he got 3.0 average , thinking my parents wouldn't ask to see the online report card. Well they found out about the 2.0's, and my mom was calm and talked to him, whereas my dad really gave it to him. He said horrible things such as, "You know what?! I'm not sending you back next year! I'm busting my ass paying thousands of dollars and you think it's a game? No, just don't go to the stupid college and sit here for the rest of your life." It sounded worse because he yelled it, and that's not all he said. I felt bad. My mom felt bad. Even SHE thought my dad was being harsh. So my brother got pretty mad and was in his room all night, and then he got out of his room and went for a drive. When he came back, my mom saw that he had been in tears the whole drive. This sunk my heart because my brother NEVER cries, ever. The last time he cried was probably in highschool when it was his last football game. So I was saddened that he cried and I felt even crappier because I always get good grades. I felt like my brother would do something crazy out of sadness, feeling unwanted. I felt scared for him and for myself because I couldn't live without my brother. Sometime soon, I'm going to 6 flags with my dad, friend, and brother. I was talking to my dad about bringing a friend, and I said it had to be on a Saturday so my brother wouldn't have work and he could come. My dad said, "No. He's not coming. He gets 2.0 in school and lies about it, I'm not bringing him." I was heartbroken, and said it wasn't fair. Then he got mad and asked me if I decided what was fair and what wasn't. My mom got firm and explained clearly how harsh my dad was to my brother, and I told him that I agreed. He was mad, and then I left because I was too sad to even think about it. How do I help the situation? My dad was being really harsh on my brother, and I can't stand it because I love my brother too much to see him unhappy.
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It really is good that you're looking out for your brother. But I can see why your dad is really upset. College is very expensive, and your brother isn't doing too great in it, and plus he lied about his grades. Of course your dad wants the best for your brother, and that's probably why he's upset. He probably knows that your brother can do so much better. He's probably just disapointed. I know that if I did the same to my dad, he'd probably react the same way. I can see how your dad's being harsh, but it's a lot better than him not caring at all. If your dad didn't care at all, your brother might continue & maybe his grades will drop even more. I think that your dad is just looking out for your brother and he wants him to do his best. It's really good that you're watching your brothers back, but I think that it's something that you dad and your brother have to resolve. Try not to get involved, and I'm sure that you dad and your brother will work it out. Try not to worry about it. <3
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Wow, what a lousy situation. It is so good of you to want to resolve something that you didn't cause. That makes you special, and they are lucky to have you. I can relate to your dad's point. I have two boys, one excells in college, the other barely made it out of high school. I have had to accept that they are just two different people. I still worry about the younger one though and HE DOES have the ability to make me mad. (But I don't go off like your dad did. I learned not to.)One one hand though, the one who doesn;t do well in school, is so much more advanced socially, tha his smarter brother. So he has his talents and his brother has his own. Oh well.
I think your dad's biggest problem is with the lies. He is having a hard time reconciling that kind of behavior in your brother.
There are some things you need to get to the bottom of before you can intervene. Why is your brother just earning a 2.0? Is he partying too much, or is he trying very hard and just not able to make it? If he is giving his best effort, that is one point you can make, and perhaps he lied so he wouldn't dissapoint his parents. If he did poorly because he didn't try, fine out how does he feels about it now. (or as soon as he feels up to talking about it) Would he go back and change things if he could? What would he change....his efforts or the lieing? I think it is OK to say, (you or your brother) that he was just trying to protect dad from the truth, because he knew that dad would be so dissapointed in him. He didn't want to dissapoint him, but ultimately that is what happened anyway.Saying sorry is good, but it is not enough.... if your brother will acknowledge his behavior and how it affected your dad, it will sort of "take the wind out of your dad's sails". This works very well with people of all ages, and for all reasons. Your dad needs to have his feelings of dissapointment "acknowledged". After all would any of you begrudge your dad his "feelings of dissapointment"? NO I think not. I think you all just wish is that he showed it in a different way. BElieve me, your dad does love your brother, and you. College is expensive. He sees a brighter future for both of you because you are both attending college. He sees himself as the person who can make that possible. Your brother is throwing his future and your dad's dreams away.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that a better understanding of EVERYONE's feelings are needed here. A clearning of the air,so to speak. It is OK for you to say to your dad, that YOU also understand how he must feel, but that using anger to get his message across to your brother has a great potential of backfiring. I know that as mad as your father is, he would be blame himself if your brother quit school all together. I think a renewed effort on your brothers part, to take his future seriously, and your father's seeing that anger is counter productive to maintaining a supportive relationship with his son, could bring everyone back together again.
One thing your brother might consider is a change in major, and maybe he should ask your dad for advice in this area. (parents love it when kids ask them for advice.)
If you have it in you to bring this about, then you are one very special girl. Good luck to you.
-Michele
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