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porn.ugh.
Hi, I'm a 17 year old female, and I read what you wrote about the girl finding her boyfriend's porn on the computer. I have a similair problem, only its really frustrating for me now. When my partner and I first started dating, I was in therapy for an eating disorder, but I had conquered it and felt great about myself. Now, I've stopped treatment, and I don't take my Prozac as often. I don't know if this is my problem, but... lately it seems as though every time my boyfriend watches porn, I get insecure and jealous. Especially last night, at a party. He and his friends were playing "The Guy Game," which is trivia, and if you win, the girl you pick takes off her clothes and eventually does a strip tease. Not the kind of thing I was hoping to see.
I just want to know what I can do to not feel so insecure about this. It makes me really angry.
PS - He also told me that I can't watch porn. I used to watch and masturbate to it all the time, and told him that when we first started dating. Now he tells me I'm not allowed to. It might be partially because I'm bi, or because he is just a jackass.
Please help!
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1.) Take your Prozac. I used to be a pharmacy technician... While I was in school to get my certification I learned how anti-depressants effect the brain. I won't give you a pharmacology lesson but I will tell you that: 1.) When you don't take you're medicine like you're supposed to it doesn't work and 2.) Because anti-depressants effect receptors in your brain it can even be dangerous and cause violent mood swings. I'm not trying to scare you... But take your medicine. :)
2.) Your boyfriend is enforcing a double standard. He's allowed to watch porn, but you're not... WTF?! Double standards don't work in relationships because they aren't fair. You have every right to tell him that and do whatever you want within the boundaries of reason. With that said, he IS allowed to tell you how he feels about it and discuss his insecurities with you. You should dicuss the problem and come to a COMPROMISE. But what you do and what you don't do should ultimately be YOUR decision. BTW, I don't think your bisexuality factors into that.
3.) It's normal for you to feel insecure and jealous about what your boyfriend is doing. Most women do. It doesn't necessarily mean that the situation should get blown out of proportion... But I can understand how you feel and why you would feel that way.
Honesty and communication are two BIG factors that effect relationships. I know sometimes it's hard to confront your partner or tell them something you're afraid will hurt their feelings. Often the reason why people don't communicate with each other is that they are afraid they will cause more problems or hurt the other person in some way. But we all have to realize is that not talking about our problems causes the problem to get bigger and more out of control. So... You need to talk about this with him.
Tell him what you just told me... Tell him everything. Don't get angry with him, don't yell at him, don't hurl accusations... But explaim to him that pornography effects YOUR body image and makes you feel insecure. (And this is dangerous because you did have an eating disorder in the past.) Especially when and if he views it while you're around. I don't think asking him to give up porn is a reasonable request... But I do think asking him not to watch it when you are around IS a reasonable request. Explain to him that you feel he is being inconsiderate and disrespectful of your feelings when he watches it around you.
Before I close this, I would also like to mention that... While I don't believe that porn is an actual problem in most relationships... It sometimes can become one. It becomes a problem when the person is addicted it (i.e. can no longer control their habit). And it's a problem if it starts to effect the intimate aspect of a relationship between two people... Such as infrequency, discomfort, etc. If he's addicted... I'm sorry to say: 1.) it won't get better and 2.) you can't change another person. If that is the case, you need to re-evaluate the relationship and decide if you want to continue.
The outcome of this situation should be... You and your boyfriend discussing both the double standard and how you both feel about the other watching pornography. After discussing the situation you should both come to COMPROMISE (a decision that is beneficial to the both of you). If this doesn't happen... It's time to start to asking yourself how this relationship is effecting you (and no relationship should ever endanger your self-esteem) and whether or not you think it would be wise to remain boyfriend and girlfriend.
I know that sounds harsh. But please understand, that I'm really concerned about how this whole situation is effecting your self-image. Eating disorders are dangerous and no one would want you to endanger yourself in anyway. You said that you have stopped treatment... Another important question to ask yourself is, do you need to go back?
Wishing you luck... If you have any further questions, you know where to find me. ;)
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