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can't handle anything.
Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in a downward spiral and nothing can pull me out. But I shouldn't feel that way! I don't know what's wrong! I have an amazing boyfriend, my parents get along, I'm being treated for depression, anorexia, and alcoholism, and things are supposed to be getting better.
But I feel like my family is falling apart. My mom is nearly broke and my dad never talks about it. I've seen the bills and I know how much my therapy and medication and everything is costing them. And this is how I repay them. By lying to my therapist, drinking behind their backs, cutting, and not telling them anything that's going on.
They think that everything is fine and dandy with me. I can't break their hearts and let them know that I feel worse now then I ever have. I can't hurt them like that again.
I feel like a stupid, attention starved whore who can't do anything right. And I don't know what to do. :(
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
The only thing you are doing wrong is pushing the help you're getting away & not accepting any of it. Your parents want to help you. Your therapist wants to help you. Your boyfriend and your friends want to help you. They're all in your life for a reason -- don't push them or what they're trying to do away. Everything they're doing is out of your best interest & they want nothing more than to get you back to normal & back to a reasonable health.
By pushing all of this away, you're not helping anything. Your drinking is going to get worse, as is your depression since alcohol is a depressant type of drug AND your cutting is going to get worse because of the depression. Your anorexia will get worse as well. I honestly think you're not willing to accept the help. It seems like you LOVE these things you're doing to yourself because anyone who hated them surely wouldn't keep doing them.
First off -- when you feel like cutting - stop yourself. Think of something more productive to do. Write a short story, a poem or a song. Listen to music, go for a walk, watch tv, talk to someone. Do anything but what you're tempted to do. The more you give into temptation & desire -- the more you suffer. When you stop yourself from eating -- remember that without food, you are going to die. It's valid that you eat simply because you're killing yourself everyday by not eating. If you'd like to keep living -- then eating food would be a big help. And as for alcohol -- stop drinking! I realize you're addicted since you're an alcoholic, BUT there's a certain time for everything, but for drinking? There's never a time when it consumes your daily life.
The only way you're going to fix yourself & your problems are by accepting the help, telling people the truth, stopping your cutting & stopping your drinking. These people need to know what the hell is going on in order to help you properly & by not letting them know, nothing's going to change. And either way -- this therapist still gets paid. But it's his/her job to help so don't make this diffucult. Talk to friends, tell your therapist the truth & stop these habits & addictions. Nothing's going to get better with what you're doing.
You're not an attention whore, but you do need serious medical & mental help. There is something seriously wrong with you for doing these things for yourself & for not doing what it takes to get help.
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The best thing you can do right now is except the help you are being given and use it to help yourself. That means no more lying to the therapist, no more drinking, no more cutting. Yes, it is hard to do and takes time and patience, but you are worth doing this for yourself.
Your parents and your therapist can't help you if you hide what you are doing and lie about what you're thinking and feeling. They WANT to help you. It won't break their hearts to discover you feel bad right now- it will break their hearts if they can't find you the help you need and deserve, which they can't do if you don't keep them up to date on what's going on and be truthful about it.
Don't fret over your parents' financial situation. For starters, it isn't your concern. But mostly, they are going broke to help their daughter get straight with herself and get her life on track, as any loving, caring parent would do. I know I would.
I would go broke and live in a cardboard box if that is what it took to help my son if he were in your shoes. Why? Because I love him and want the world to be at his fingertips rather than being smashed under it's shoe.
I would do whatever it took to get him headed in the right direction in this life. Money would be no object. It's paper. It's material. It's replaceable. My son isn't, and neither are you.
Now, seems to me your parents see things the same way I do. They will do whatever it takes to see that you lead a happy healthy life.
What do you do? Like I said, you have to be willing to help yourself. No amount of money, no amount of therapy, no amount of parental love and hope can help you one iota if you don't help yourself.
Don't think so negatively about yourself. Don't feel stupid and all that jazz. It does nothing to help your situation. Look to the positive- you are a troubled young lady who is looking to better herself and do what she can to ensure she will pick herself up off the rock bottom floor.
Keep your chin up and try to straighten your life out. That is the best right you can do for yourself in this life.
Best of luck to you and I hope you succeed in getting your life on track. :)
ygs-29/f
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