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dilemma over my guy friend
Hi. I'm a 16-year old female.I have this friend that I like a lot as a friend but I also have a crush on him as well. The thing is, I can't be in a situation where the two of us could be together, because of our reputations, and because we'll get in trouble. There's a large group of girls at my school that hates the people I am friends with, as well as myself; what's important about that is that if this guy and I got together, they would never leave me alone about it for as long as I live! I don't want to have to put up with that. It's really confusing because I want to be just friends with him anyway, but I also really have a major crush on him. I want to be able to stop liking him that way but still be just friends. Is there anything I can do so this could happen? Thanks.
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Hi, thank you so much for writing. I was in a similar situation, so maybe I can help.
You said you can't be together because you will get in trouble. Did you mean dating or just hanging out? If it is just dating, I would just remain friends. You don't want to get in trouble, right? If it is your parents that you would be getting in trouble with, you might lose their trust. Then doing any type of social activity, even with girls, might be hard.
Another good reason to stay friends is simply that--staying friends. You get along great with him now. And maybe you would make a really good couple. But the fact is, most high school relationships don't make it past high school. Even if you have a good dating relationship, there is always post-graduation plans. If one of you goes farther away, it will be very difficult to keep up the relationship. And no matter how you break up, it always brings back painful memories. Then you might wish that you didn't sacrifice your friendship.
There is no real process to make yourself not like him. And anything I tell you will take time, so be patient. Summer is coming up (yay!), so maybe you shouldn't spend as much time with him as normal. Although this won't make you forget about him, it will take him out of your mind a little so you can focus more on other things. If he likes you too, then it will be easier to tell him why you aren't hanging with him much anymore. If this is the case, tell him that you don't think that a romantic relationship will work out right now, and that you'd like to spend a little time apart. Make sure he knows that you are doing it to benefit the relationship you have now. If he doesn't know you like him and you don't want to tell him about your feelings, make sure you are nice to him so he doesn't think you are giving him the cold shoulder. Hang out with him, but only in groups, so he isn't the only one you are hanging out with.
You also say that you can't be together because of your reputations. I'm not sure what this means, but if you have a bad reputation, it really is never too late to change it. It takes time for people to get used to the new and improved you, but it does eventually work. Progress in small steps so you don't relapse into the same habits, and reward yourself for doing well.
If your friends make fun of you because of your relationship with him, tell them to grow up. It sounds cliché, but it stuns people enough to think about what they are doing, at least in most cases. Many teenagers want to be grown-up, so if someone makes it sound like they aren't, often they will leave you alone. If you decide to date your guy friend, don't bring him around your other friends as much. I'm not saying to hide your relationship if you decide to have it, but just don't give them another reason to make fun of you.
Good luck with everything, and don't hesitate to write back if you have another question!
-Hannah :)
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