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I Won't Let Anyone Get Close To Me
So here goes:
I'm 14/f and you guys are probably wondering "What has she been through? She's only 14."
Well, my grandpa left when I was young because of cancer. My uncle promised that he'll be with me forever and that he'd quit smoking. Now he's dead from lung cancer. My grandma, I adore and love, is getting ill everyday. I hate the fact that my family members are slowly going away. In addition to that, I've let one too many guys take my heart and break it into pieces. Now I'm afraid of letting anyone get close to me. IF a guy likes me, & even if I like him back, I find myself running away from the guy and pushing him away. If I have a friend that I really enjoy having around, I'll find ways to ruin the friendship. If I have a crush, I'll force myself to forget about him/her and convince myself that I'm just going to end up hurt again.
I just find myself secluding myself from people everyday in fear of letting them hurt me. I feel like if I push them away, when they leave, it won't hurt as much. I know I'm hurting my friends and family by doing this but I can't help it. I really want to stop myself but I can't...can someone please help me get over this?
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well from what it sounsdl ike, you've traced the key events in your life that are the core of your emotional problems. I have the same problems as you, I have a fear of attachment because I'm afraid of getting hurt. That fear is left imprinted in my sub conscious. But there are always way to get around that.
Anyways, here's a quote I thought I should share with you
"Just because the song will end, it doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy the music"
The point is that just because people will end up hurting you, which they will, especially in your teenage years(which you have a lot left) it doesn't mean you should altogether give up on being close with people. I understand that the events in your past are worse than what most people encounter when they're 14. However, you shouldn't let those events in yoru past weaken you. Get close to a guy you like if he lieks you back, go out with him, or hang out with him. Get to know him. Enjoy it while you have it. When it ends, it will hurt, but you have to learn to pick yourself up and move on. I know you've already picked yourself up from falling several times, but in life, you will fall down consistently, and you can either pick yourself up or stay down there.
Also, if it could help, find a therapist to talk to your problems with. If the therapist doens't help, find another one. Do this until you find a good therapist. If you have any questions, send me a message.
Good luck
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seems like yoyu've been through almost evrything i've been through, and yea it hurts, you need to except the fact that there are hurtful people out there but not evybody is like that. People want to get to know you they haven't even figured out how to hurt you. You need to drop the insecurity, or you'll spend a school year, like I did, ALONE
trust me it ain't cool
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I can understand you've been hurt a lot at least by guys and love. Thing is if you keep pushing people away you'll eventually see that you have no one there around you. And that can be a far more painful thing especially at times when you need people around you (be it for support in a moment of sadness or to celebrate something).
Everytime we give our heart away its a gamble with 50:50 odds. Things will either work out or they won't. As long as you remember this you should be okay. It's painful when I see people say how they love someone and will be with them forever because in the back of my mind I will be thinking forever is a very long time and things change a lot, people change a lot so they may never reach forever together. That's not to say you shouldn't try though. I know it's hard and having people taken away from you is really tough but it just shows how life should be lived to the maximum because none of us are going to be around forever.
My uncle used to only live down the road from me (about 10mins walk) and worked about the same distance (across the road from his house) and I would hardly ever pop over there to see him or anything because I took for granted that he was always there just down the road. Then one night I found out he had passed away from something or another on his way to hospital when he had complained of chest pains and really bad headaches. In just a short moment and without warning he had gone and the biggest regret I had for a long time was that I took him being just down the road for granted. All I can say is don't push your frends and family out of your life. You'll regret it eventually because you'll look back and ask yourself why didn't you take the time to get to know them and spend time with them.
We all go eventually but ask yourself how you want people to remember you and how they may want you to remember them? As someone who cared, loved and had fun being around each other? Or as someone who locked them out because of the fear they would one day be gone?
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omg bbz after reading your entry i was practically in tears - i've experienced exactly the same problem regarding pushing people away to spare yourself the pain of them hurting you or betraying your trust...
My advice to you is not to do what i did - i took up kickboxing and wound up with the attitude of being civil to ppeople and having a laugh with them expecting each second of laughter to be the last so that i wasn't as dissapointed when it happened! I met this guy and he was unbelievable - i fell in love...truely in love, amd i never wanted to have to lose him and go through that pain but the fact that i wouldnt open up to him made him think i didnt trust him....i look back at this now and realise that he was the one for me...and i threw that away!
You're prbably thinkin 'i need help not your life story' but i do have a point...Basically i'm hoping that by sharing this with you, you will see that not everyone is out to hurt you, you're hurting yourself by not giving them a chance...
If someone enters your life and at that moment it feels good/right let it happen...if time passes and you get closer to them and you feel free and trusted go with it...And if anything should happen that hurts you, remember these good times and think - well i'm hurting now, but the last few weeks/months/even years have been amazing....You never know - you could end up finding the one for you, just like i did - only you will have the sense not to throw it away!
I hope this helps you somehow
Best of Luck
Biker-chic
-xXx-
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