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Technically, he didn't cheat...
Okay. So I'm 19 and I dated a guy for about a year, and he broke up with me in January because he thought I cheated on him (I didn't, by the way). I then went on a 2-month visit to another state. A couple days after I left, he told me that he was still in love with me and wanted me to come home. When I did come home, we got back together, and he told me that in the couple of days we were broken up, he had fingered a girl that I used to talk to (she and I weren't friends, more of just acquaintances). I didn't really think much of it -- I mean, we weren't together and he was kind of rebounding anyway.
The other day, he accidentally let it slip that he hadn't just fingered the girl, but he had started having sex with her and they had to stop because she was a virgin and it was hurting her. I'm not really upset that he did it (though, of course, it does hurt). Mostly I'm upset because he lied to me.
We started talking and he basically said he had lied because he didn't want to hurt me. I know he feels really bad for the whole thing, and regrets everything he did with her. I forgave him for lying, and of course for having sex with her. But since he told me, all I can think about is her. Like when I close my eyes, I can literally picture them together, having sex. I try not to let it bother me, because it's in the past and I know that I'm the only one he wants to be with. But it does bother me.
Am I wrong to be letting this bother me? I mean, I know that he would never cheat on me or anything like that. That's not my problem. My problem is the stupid past.
If I'm being stupid by letting this get to me, can someone tell me how to let go of it?
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Its normal that this bothers you. Dontt keep it inside. i know how it feels to keep feelings and troubles inside..and it can really bring down your relationship. You have to tell him you need time to get over this. It will take some time..but with his reassurance it will get better.
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Sometimes things like this can be very hard to let go of but what makes it even worse is when you keep telling yourself (and everyone else) that eerything is okay and that it doesn't bother you - when deep down it's eating you up. It will just cause problems later of you don't face this now and come to terms with it. The place to start would be to talk to your bf about it. There were things like these I had to face as well regarding my ex (it wasn't that we broke up and she did stuff it was just stuff she had done before we started going out which bothered me for various reasons I prefer not to say here). The thing was I talked to her about it until I had it all out of my system and it helped with my relationship with her.
Bottom line though is that he shouldn't have lied in the beginning. If he lied about something which shouldn't have mattered what happens when it comes to something which IS important?
If you feel you can trust him then it's okay but he shouldn't have lied about it to start with. I think you should try talk to him about it (also if I was in your place yes it would bug me in the same way too, it's hard not to let it) and if he makes a big deal out of you being this way it may help to ask him to think of things being the other way around and see how he would feel about it. I can guarantee with almost certainty that it would eat him up inside too if it had all happen the other way around.
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Your not being stupid. I have been some what in the same place you are. It took me a long time to forget about it and i still bring it up sometimes and talk about it with him. Its hard to imagine forgiving someone even if you wernt dating because it was just afew days later. Its good you are forgiving i try to be and alot of people tell me i am too forgiving and there is a such thing. I understand being upset that he lied to you but he did tell you and he did try to keep it from you so you wouldnt be hurt. that in its own way is sweet. Dont feel stupid because some people would take it much more dramatically i am actually proud that you are that forgiving..
hope i helped.
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