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my sex drive is too high for my bf
I (21/f) have a higher sex drive than my boyfriend (22/m). It started putting stress on our relationship when we moved in together at the beginning of this year. First, please don't tell me to masturbate. I do. It doesn't help. Physically, yes of course it helps, but I'd rather be with my boyfriend than with myself all the time. I don't have a problem with him masturbating, but when I think that he has, I get jealous because I feel that he isn't meeting my needs and he should have involved me since I'm the one with the higher sex drive. I know these thoughts are very selfish, wrong, and most of all, hypocritical. That's why I'm asking for help.
Things are made worse by the fact that he is the dominant one sexually and I am more submissive. He is always the one to initiate. I will always be submissive and I enjoy being so, so that's not going to change. Even so, I get so upset about things at times that I attempt to initiate, but nothing ever ends up happening, frustrating me even more. All of this makes me often feel that my boyfriend is not sexually attracted to me, which hurts our relationship further since, duh, he is.
I'm looking for a mature way to handle this that preferably doesn't involve him. I'm looking for a way to get rid of all of these inaccurate, negative feelings on my own. I don't want to threaten his masculinity and I've already tried talking to him about it. We argued for awhile, then talked about it maturely, but didn't really get anywhere. He says that he already does things for me sexually when he's not really feeling up to it himself. He told me that I was making it sound like I want our relationship to be based on sex and that sex is all I care about. That's not in the least bit true. He knows that, but I obviously didn't go about things the right way if he got that impression from me.
This isn't going to cause us to split up or anything, but it's making me moody and difficult to be around. I feel really bad for my boyfriend for having to put up with all of this.
So,
Is there a way to talk about this with my boyfriend and actually get somewhere?
How would you feel if you knew that your significant other had this problem?
How can I get rid of the inaccurate, negative feelings that this situation is causing me to have?
Is there anything that I haven't tried that might help?
I hope to get an answer from someone who has been in a similar situation. Thank you.
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Talk to someone else. A therapist who specializes in relationships or sex would be even better.
If years of struggling with mental illness have taught me anything at all it is this: You cannot get rid of all of inaccurate, negative feelings on your own, even if you are perfectly sane. You and your boyfriend are locked into patterns of behavior and nothing in this universe but a fresh pair of eyes and a new brain is going to be able suggest a new path. Neither of you can see the forest for the trees right now. Stop trying. Ask for help.
I have been in your position, and I have recently had the even less enjoyable opportunity to be in your boyfriend’s position. So this is my informed, yet egotistical opinion:
You can have the perfect monogamous relationship or you can regularly refuse the sexual advances of your partner, but neither the guy nor the girl can pull off both. If this monogamous relationship is a priority to your boyfriend, and too you, you are going to have to strike a deal. Because despite what you said, this is perfectly capable of splitting you up! Not over the sex, but the rejection and stress and pain that goes with it. That IS a relationship killer. I hope you both can see that clearly.
So, first off: Get a fresh mind involved here. Someone who can see past the same old script you two are following. You aint gonna climb out of this hole all by yourself. You can go by yourself, or you can go as a couple, either way, go.
Secondly, redefine sex.
If your expectation each time you (or he) initiates a sexual situation is vaginal intercourse, then your expectation is ridiculous. If your expectation is orgasm, that might even be bit a high of an expectation. If the gender roles were reversed, I would, without a hint of shame, suggest to the women that she cheerfully give regular handjobs, blowjobs, lubejobs… whatever and to her man, that he cheerfully accept them in lieu of straight sex. In your case, mutual masturbation, little sexy shows for him (that you get off on), playing with toys with him or while he watches, sharing erotic stories or dirty talk, or for goodness sake go back to the dry humping of your early teens! If you start encompassing those things into your definition of “sex with my boyfriend” suddenly you’ll find yourself getting laid a hell of lot more.
One more word of advice: Don’t give me this I’m submissive bullcrap. I’m sure it’s perfectly true and may explain some of the trouble, but I will not accept that as any sort of ‘excuse’, neither will a therapist and neither should your boyfriend. I’m submissive. I’m submissive in the tie me up and call me your bitch way, but even I can suck it up and ask for, then pursue, what I want if I aint getting it. Open your mind, learn to initiate, learn to engage and maintain the action, practice it, and incorporate it into your style. As I said before, expand your horizons, take some chances and you will find yourself getting laid a hell of a lot more.
And yes, nothing I suggested may be quite as satisfying as what it is you want most of all. Try it all anyways with an eager and open mind. Tell your boyfriend before hand what it is you are trying so he isn’t confused, or even worse, rejects you because he thinks it’s just the same old pattern being played out. And if any of my suggestions are enjoyable, but just not as satisfying as you would like, suck it up and learn appreciate them as hundereds of men out there learn to live with handjobs when they really rather be having the sex their women just can’t put up with right then. Focus on the pleasure you are experiencing not the pleasure you aren’t.
Don’t forget the therapist. I’m not kidding. Make an appointment. Now.
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I think a good idea would be to first off prove to him that you don't want your relationship to be based on sex. I understand the urges of a high sex drive, but you really need to try to avoid sexual activity for awhile. The break in your sex life will prove two things: 1) that your relationship is more than just being sex partners and 2) the break in sexual activity WILL make your boyfriend want you even more.
After taking a break from sexual activity and your boyfriend is pretty much begging you for some action, tell him the things you said in your question: "It's not that I want our relationship to be based on sex, it's just that I often feel really strong urges to be with you and when you say you don't feel like it it makes me feel like you don't want me or that I'm not good enough. Normally I would just masturbate, but I want to have sex with you because I like being close with you and I enjoy sharing that intimacy. I'm sorry if you feel that I'm pressuring you for sex too often and I will try to fix that, but promise me that you'll allow me to initiate sex every now and then instead of only doing it when YOU feel like it."
The fact that you are living together can obviously cause some issues because you're getting used to seeing each other all the time. It's important to have time for sex, yes, but it's even MORE important to take care of the little things so your relationship will still be healthy. By little things, I mean just letting the other person know you love them. Having fun times together while still allowing your partner his space to see his other friends.
Whenever you get really upset about this whole situation, just spend some time away from him. Go to the movies. Go shopping. See your friends for a little while. Anything to keep your mind off sex and issues you may be having with him that particular day.
I'm certain that after you two live together for awhile, these problems will smooth themselves over as you learn to deal with each other 24/7 and still have a strong relationship and good sex life. Communication and personal space is key to succeeding that.
Good luck and I hope things work out for the two of you!
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You need therapy.
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