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The little head
Why is it that guys can't just put their animalistic urges in check? I'm not speaking on behalf of all guys, but I have a feeling that many guys out there only want one thing, and think with their little head, if you know what i mean.
I just went out with my 'boyfriend' (it's only been a month) and his friends tonight; it was St. Patrick's day, so of course we went bar hopping. All the girls were displaying their goods as though they were on sale. And I understand that it's hard not to look when a girl is wearing something nice/flaunting, has nice body, etc.., etc.., but I could tell that my bf was kind of looking at them in that way. Not like up and down or anything, but it was like, " hello, I'm here!" I don't know if I'm overreacting or anything, but he's a charming guy, and a few girls smiled at hime, and it got me to wonder: when I'm not around, who's number is he getting? And what does he do, or how does he act with other girls when I'm not around. Cause when I was RIGHT THERE, I still had a feeling he was checking girls out, and don't get me wrong: I glance at hot guys too, but if my bf is there, it's like NO WAY< not going there.
SO, i'd like to hear from you, guy or girl: is this appropriate to an extent (on his part), and am i overreacting, or is this understandable?
Sorry for such a long message, I'm just getting it all out! BTW: 22, F
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Yes. You're over-reacting.
You have admitted that you still notice when another man is attractive even though you are involved in a relationship. So does he. The reason you don't stare at every hot guy you see pass by when you're with you're boyfriend, and he can't do the same... Simply boils down to tact. You have it, he doesn't.
But I would like to point out that just because your boyfriend may look at an attractive girl... Doesn't mean that he has any desire to ask her for her phone number or even talk to her for that matter. She's just something pretty to look at, and that's all he's doing... Looking. Blame it on testosterone, blame it on halter tops, whatever...
I would like to point out that you're blowing things out of proportion because you're suffering from a bout of insecurity. YOU think YOU aren't attractive enough. Which is probably untrue. He must like you, if he's dating you exculsively. So... You need to put your insecurity to rest, dear.
And you're also going to have to trust him. You can't worry about what he's doing when you aren't around. Why? Trust is an essential part of ANY relationship, romantic or platonic. Without it, no relationship can survive. Because this is what would happen... You'd be suspicious all the time... And then, eventually, you'd start to accuse him of cheating. Then he would get angry because you've questioned his integrity and it would turn into a fight. Have the same fight enough times, and he'll get tired of your jealousy and leave you. He might love you, but no one can live that way... Feeling like they are being scrutinized and verbally assulted on a regular basis.
If you're going to talk to him about this... Be careful. He hasn't done anything wrong. If you tell him right off the bat that you don't like the way he looks at other girls and that you want him to stop... Very likely he'll feel that you're being irrational. He may try to comply to make you happy, and probably fail... And if you say it again he'll feel like you are nagging him.
A better way to approach the topic might be to say something like... "I know it's natural to look at someone when you think that they're attractive. But sometimes when I notice you looking at someone else... It makes me feel insecure about whether or not you still find me attractive. I trust you, but I need some reassurance that you still find me attractive." That way he doesn't feel like you're blaming him for anything, because you've admitted that part of the problem is how YOU feel about yourself. And you get what you really want... REASSURANCE!
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It's understandable, but yes, you are overreacting.
If they have eyes, they will look. No one has eyes only for one person. Have you ever been having a good talk with your boyfriend and gotten distracted by something pretty in a store window? This isn’t any different.
You can hate him for the simple fact he looks, you can yell at him and argue and cry and maybe he’ll have the self control to stop doing it. But he won’t stop wanting too and he will not stop thinking about other women in a sexual way. When you are around, and when you aren’t.
Men are going to get turned on by other women. There are jokes about guys getting turned on by loaves of bread or fast cars and they aren’t simply exaggerations. They wake up turned on. It's a physical trigger that is not completely under their control. You might as well try to make him guilty about farting. He might try to hide it to make you happy, but he isn’t physically capable of stopping it all together.
Other women are never the threat to your relationship dear. Your partners own stupidity is the damn problem. But if is going to misbehave, then he is going to misbehave and he is just ask likely to pick a nice, conservative girl he met at a lecture as a girl baring it all at the bar. A cheater isn’t a cheater because they are flashed some skin, they are simply cheaters.
Certainly talk to him about your feelings. This fear you have of him getting numbers or flirting when you aren’t around isn’t a very productive one, and hopefully he can assure you otherwise and help you to overcome your discomfort. But keep in mind; he hasn’t done anything wrong. If he does, then you can let him have it, but if you can’t manage to trust him now, then you shouldn’t be dating him at all.
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I think, if this bothers you that much, you need to talk to him calmly about it. And he will tell you what any other guy will tell you in a situation like this: he's with YOU for a reason. YOU are the girl he goes home with at the end of the night. He chose to be with YOU over every other girl. Just because he's looking at a few other girls doesn't mean he's ready to go jump into bed with them or anything. Talk to him about this. Say, "Honey, you are a charming guy. That's why I'm with you. And I can't help but wonder how many girls hit on you when I'm not around." Your worries ARE understandable. His actions aren't inappropriate, but they're not appropriate at the same time. These things happen in relationships. It's nothing a good talk can't smooth over.
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This is from my point of view. (girl)
I understand. I've gotten in plenty of arguments with my boyfriend about thinking other girls look good or if he thinks they're pretty. He of course, being the sweet guy he is, sweet talked be into forgiving him. But, i understand where you're coming from, when you're curious about your boyfriend and his life when you're not around, but here's what I learned. If you love him, you need to trust him, because trust is love. You can love someone, but you don't have to know everything about the person, because then that'd be awkward, right? If you hear things that your boyfriend is being a little flirt, then end it, simple as that. I would do the same thing. But for now, if he's around you, make sure his eyes are on YOU. And make sure you let him know that to! Take power, you're female. =]
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