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Life.
First off, I'm 16/f. I'm not sure that helps, but whatever.
My life is a mess. Let me explain:
I dislike my school a lot. The kids there are loud, obnoxious, rude, inconsiderate, & idiotic. I know ALL of them since I've been going to school with them since 2nd grade. I know their types, I know how they act, what they think & how they think. I have about 11 friends throughout my whole school. Those are the ones I can count on. Outside of school, I have about 20-25 friends tops. Not a lot. A lot of people in my life have done things to screw me over, so I eventually got sick of it & pushed them away from me. I don't trust many people, or like very many either. I don't like my school because it's like a prison. We have cops there. My school was NEVER bad until this year. All the new kids coming in made fights with each other, and it's just unbearable. I had 3 girls wanting to jump me because of something they THOUGHT I did. I told them I didn't do it. I can fight, but when three 200lb bitches wanna fight me, I can't fend for myself. I'm tiny, but I hit hard. But they've stopped bothering me. I just don't like my school. The teachers give me a hard time, and I hardly ever go. I've got an easy temper and it takes a lot for me to stop myself from hitting people on a daily basis. These kids just piss me off and I just wanna kill them all. I can't stand see their stupid, ugly faces anymore. I'm sick of them & their bullshit.
I hate most of my family. My aunt & her husband always fight, so going anywhere with them for more than a few hours is really unenjoyable. I honestly don't know how he stands her. I feel bad for him. As for my aunt's daughter: I hope the bitch ends her life. Yeah, that's my cousin, but lately she's been talking shit about me saying all this crap that's not even true. She said I wasn't pretty, and that I was fat, and that I had no friends. I've got friends, but we've lost touch because they've hardly got time for me, and I'm not gonna wait around. If they're not gonna make an effort, well then neither am I. I'm pretty, but I'm not gorgeous. I have really low confidence, and she doesn't exactly help the situation. I'm not fat. I'm not thin. I'm inbetween, and according to most people, I'm exactly the right size. I sort of like my size. There's only two things I'd actually change about my body, and that's it. She's not exactly skinny either. I told her what I thought about her, and she called me with her bullshit. I just told her to kill herself, & left it at that. As for my parents & older brother...they drive me INSANE. My brother's sort of inconsiderate. He does the stupidest things, and I can't stand it. I put my hand through a window a couple weeks ago because of him. And I'm gonna fail my classes because of him. We have to share our computer & whenever I need it, he makes an excuse to stay online. He doesn't go to school, so he honestly has no reason to be online. All he does on his MySpace is add those skanks who barely have anything on in their pictures. He doesn't even know half of his damn friends on that site. As for my parents, they wanna move back to the city, and I'm not having it. I've lived in the city, and when I did live there, nothing was wrong with it. Now there's all this crime & crap, and I've got a lot of nice things. I'm not gonna go to school so I can get jumped for my shit everyday. I like what I've got, and I'm not gonna let anybody kick my ass for it. And I'm not living in the city. I honestly rather hear the fire sirens from down the street then hear gunshots & all that stupid shit. I can't stand the city. I'm not gonna get raped, jumped or shot because the taxes there are lower than the taxes are where I live. I don't like where I live, but I don't like the city either. I don't know anybody in the city, which you might see as a plus, but I don't like being by myself. And it gives them all the more reason to jump me. Nobody likes the quiet kid. Trust me. And my mom just makes me mad. She always touches me [not innappropriately], but she just touches my shoulder or whatever, or my face and I hate it. I HATE being touched. I just don't like it. It's annoying to be constantly touched, and have people's hands in your face. It kinda makes me wanna smack the shit out of her. I realize that's my mother, she gave birth to me, blahblahblah, but I've got no respect for her if she's got none for me. We usually get along, but she can be really annoying sometimes. My dad on the other hand, pfft. He might as well not even be a father. He comes home whenever he wants, we eat when he decides he wants to go to the store, and then we eat what he wants to eat. And my mom thinks he's cheating on her. =/ I don't think he is because I think it's silly, but there's always a slight chance he is. Nobody works an extra 10 hours a day when they're not supposed to. It just doesn't work that way. My mom & brother always get on my case about eating. I eat when I'm bored, because I've got nothing better to do. I like food, and that's that, but they always yell at me for eating. If they keep yelling at me for eating, I'm just gonna stop altogether & be anorexic. Or I'm just gonna throw it all up for them & ask them if they're happy. I swear, nothing I do pleases them.
My parents play favorites too. They let my brother do whatever he wants because he's older & he's a boy. When he was 13 he was going to the movies, and have girlfriends & hanging out & doing whatever the hell he wanted. But when I was thirteen, I was staying home everyday, not hanging out with people, and not having a boyfriend. Everyone says "Oh, well 13 is too young to have a boyfriend/girlfriend." Well, I have to have some kind of happiness, correct? I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was sixteen, but somehow I sweettalked my parents into it. And now I can have one. But I don't get why he gets to do whatever he wants, but then if I wanna do it, it's like a sin or whatever. I told my mother a couple of weeks ago I didn't believe in God, and she FLIPPED. Saying all this shit about "OMFG, YOU WERE BORN AND RAISED A CATHOLIC, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD!?" And I just told her how illogical it seemed to me. The thought of a being creating everything you know & love just seems so unreal & unethical. How does one likely being just create everything? It's impossible. I'm not saying that science created everything, but a person sure didn't. It's not logical. It just..it just isn't.
As for my personal life: I've got a boyfriend. He's amazing. I've known him since I was 12, and we just started dating about 2 months ago in December. Thing is, he's a marine. He's in Iraq right now & I wanna blow my head off because I can't stand the distance. I'm not gonna dump him because for one, he's halfway across the world, and it'd make me look bad, and I hate hurting people. And that'd crush him. He'd have NO reason to come home if I did that. And I love him too much to give him up. But, I hate not being able to call him whenever I want to, or being able to hug & kiss him when I need to. Or being able to call him when I'm mad & telling him to come & get me for a little while so I can get away from my parents. I HATE THAT. I hate the fact he's a marine, I hate the fact he's in Iraq & I hate the fact that I have to wait a really long time before I can see him again. And I don't get to hear from him very often. I realize he's busy doing marine things & whatnot, but hearing his voice is so reassuring. Whenever I don't talk to him I think the worst. I'm thinking he got shot, or blown up, or he's hurt, or something of a bad matter. And I can't help it. I had two friends go there & they promised to come back & died a month apart from each other & I don't want him in that same situation. I worry about him, & he worries about me even though he shouldn't. I just don't want a phone call saying "Your boyfriend's hurt" or "Your boyfriend's dead. I'm sorry." I'd fall to pieces if that happened. I wouldn't know what to do without him. I've liked him for so long and if I lost him to a war, my life would pretty much be over. I miss him & I can't do it anymore. I can't live. I feel like I shouldn't be. He's actually the only reason why I haven't killed myself yet. I'm suicidal but haven't cut in months because of him. I don't wanna cut, but I feel like if things keep going the way they are, I'm gonna start up again.
My life's just upside down & I can't stand it. I'm on probation, I'm in PINS...my grades suck & just everything is fucked up. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've been to counseling before, but it just didn't work, and I've got no one to talk to about anything because I don't have that many people I'm close to since they did things to screw me over. I just wanna know what you guys think I should do.
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Wow that was really long but it was worth reading and I'm really sorry all of things you have been through my life was not the best I was adopted. Ok I don't know my really dad he left me when I was born they don't know if he is really alive they have no proof that he even exists I thing my mom lied about my real dads name so I have to live with that for the rest of my life. My life was pretty much screwed up my step dad and my mom were in to big time drugs I got taken away and it hurts to even think about it my current mom brings up the fucking subject and she does not know how much it hurts me to hear that. I just recently found out that my brother was diagnosed bipolar and my real mom has cancer and they said she has 18 months to live but I don't know if she is telling the truth because she has lied to me before just because she wants to see me like why can't she just say that she wants to see me so I really see your point. Its really hard to think about all of that you have been going through and how fucked up your life is and my life but you have to look for the better you need to turn your life around talk to your friends that will understand. Other friends seem to have more of an influence on us more then our parents do if you feel like you need to talk to your parent then you need to do what you need to do. I know what counseling is like it does not seem to work I had to go because I was suffering from major depression I would beat up my brother on the way to school I have a really bad temper when I get one I practically put holes in my wall I break things and I fell like I can take on the world. It's nice to vent your anger on someone who shares common things and has been through a lot just like I have My girlfriend lives in a different state and yea it sucks I cant even drive yet are I would go up there whenever I felt like it. I have thought of suicide before and I could not imagine ever doing it cause of my girlfriend who has been through a lot to and has been through every step with me.
All I can say is you are the one who needs to turn your life around and you need to know that there are worse people out there that has it worse then you would probably ever dream of I know that counseling does not work I know that and you know that to but you are the one who needs to change.
About cutting yourself I have done that before and have a friend that does that but I don’t cut myself anymore. You need to stay positive about things look towards brighter things you are the only one that can make yourself change no one else can make you change.
I hope this helps and I’m really sorry if it does not but if it does and have anymore questions you can leave a message in my inbox and I will try to get back at you with the best answer I can and my girlfriend can help to she is good her name is chica_chick666 she can really help to she is awesome well good luck with all of that you are going through. If you do need anymore help don’t hesitate to email me or just leave a message in my inbox my email is christian_grg@hotmail.com . Thanks!!
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Sounds pretty messed up. I don't know if I can help, but I will try my best.
It sounds as if you have some serious trust and respect issues. You seem to trust no one. You seem to respect no one. Maybe the problem is you don't respect yourself? Maybe you don't even REALLY like yourself? This is what I gather from the way you seem to absolutely hate everyone around you. You can't trust, like, or respect others if you don't start with trusting, liking, and respecting yourself.
You need to stop allowing other people's actions and behaviors effect you and your life. The kids at school, your aunt and uncle, your cousin, your brother, your mom and dad.
Yah, you are 16 years old, so you are kinda stuck right now, but in 2 years you can do anything you want in this life.
To achieve any kind of success for yourself in this life, you need to get an education. You need to say to yourself "Screw everyone else, I need to do this for ME, and no body's going to stop me." Because, let's be realistic here, Where do you think you will be 2 years from now if you don't get your education to improve your life? Working at a minimum wage job and barely scraping by? I know it's hard, especially when things are so messed up at school, but if you REALLY want to do this, you will achieve your goal. You will find a way.
I PROMISE, this is the first step you NEED to take in order to turn your life around. You NEED to do this in order to make a better life for yourself in the near future, in order to not be stuck in this same rut you are in now. Yah, it's a lot of work, and probably a lot of sacrifice, but you are worth that, don't you think? I don't think so- I KNOW SO. You are worth walking into that school and telling all the people to piss off, because you come here for a purpose.
Don't blame others for you not getting your education. You have to realize that if it is something you REALLY want for yourself, you will find a way to make it happen. Brother won't get off the computer? Go to the library. Stay late or go early to school. Where there is a will, there is a way.
As for your boyfriend, don't break up with him. He's probably a good guy, and you say you love him, so he is worth the sacrifice of not being able to talk to him much right now. It seems as though he is the only thing in your world right now that makes you happy. Don't give that up.
Think of it this way- when you DO get to talk to him, it is very special and memorable for you, is it not? And though it will be a while before he comes home, that gives you something to look forward to. It gives you a light at the end of your tunnel. Keep your chin up and remind yourself, hourly if need be, of how happy you will be when he DOES come home.
I hope you do get your life turned around. But you have to be willing to do it for yourself. You have to be willing to wake up one day and say "Today is the beginning of the rest of my life, and things are going to be different from now on. That is what I want for myself, I know I am worth having a better life, and I know I am worth making these changes, no matter what the struggles may be."
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