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Story Help
I know this is a pretty bad story but I really need help on this story.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Can anybody go there and tell me what parts of it I need to correct to make it a better one? Thanks very much =]
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Hey. :) Overall, the story is great, but the first paragraph the sentances are short and the paragraph is a lot of detail. People might get a little bored with that. Heres an example of something you could do-
You can turn that into something like this, making people more interested as you describe what you are doing WHILE you add detail instead of what you are doing and then all the detail.
For example:
this:
"The ground was soaked from the rain that had poured down for days."
into this:
"With my hands in my pockets, drops of mucky brown water started caking on the sides of my shoes from each step, from the rain that lasted several days."
That was just an example though, its not the best and the first thing that came to my mind. Just play aroudn and experiment with these things until it seems right. If you need more help with this feel free to drop a question in my inbox.
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I write stories, too :]
[I've been writing for almost four years, if that means anything..]
First of all, the first paragraph, your sentences aren't short, but they are choppy. If you're reading it, it kinda makes you stop at each sentence. Which is why the paragraph was invented.
"I walked down the streets with my hands shoved in the pockets of my coat. The day was clear with the perfect temperature carried by the gentle breeze. The place crowded with people rushing here and there as I walked slowly, dreading to get to you while I wanted to be with you at the same time."
The above paragraph, when read by the reader, sounds more like this:
"I walked down the streets with my hands shoved in the pockets of my coat. -STOP- The day was clear with the perfect temperature carried by the gentle breeze. -STOP- The place crowded with people rushing here and there as I walked slowly, dreading to get to you while I wanted to be with you at the same time.-STOP-"
It's like riding on the interstate in your car and all of a sudden, slamming on the breaks every few feet. You lurch in your car, just like in your writing.
And it's not just the first paragraph, either, you need to always remember that EVERYTHING needs to sound smooth. Another thing, especially in the first paragraph, most of the sentences sound more like fragments.
The story seems to switch point of views, also. It goes from talking about the cemetary containing someone special named Lindsey, then out of nowhere starts saying the word 'you', just like the writer was actually speaking to this, odviously, dead Linsdey.
If you're writing a flashback, it's best if you bold or italicize it, so it's easier for the reader.
After the first few paragraphs, I couldn't find anything wrong.
But over all, I really liked it :]
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The plot's not very interesting. There's no clearly defined problem/resolution, like an interesting plot requires. You need one problem that holds the entire story together, and then have the problem be resolved. The plot now is "loves girl,girl is lesbian,girl dies", no problem or resolution, I shouldn't be able to sum up the story in 7 words.
Don't use "you" like that; I know that neil is remembering these things, and it's from his perspective, but it just doesn't work out. You can still do it from his perspective, just use "she" instead of "you".
There was a bit too much description in the beginning, we only need to know a lot about how something looks if you are going to do something with it.
Good vocabulary, but sometimes used in excess, you shouldn't use long words when it'll slow down the story.
Overall not very good, but with enough practice even the worst author can get good.
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