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Confused about sexuality
Hi, I am a 14 year old boy and I'm pretty unsure about my sexuality. I think I'm gay because I have these urges to kiss my best friend, but the thing is when I see a hot girl pass by, I get turned on. So then does that mean I'm a bisexual? I'm really confused and depressed.
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With your age, you may just be curious. I have the same question in my part. I am the same age and all, but if you don't get turned on when you and your friends are wrestling or when they take their shirts off then don't worry.
But only time can tell.
--Syd
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Let me pose a question to you. Why does it matter?
I'm not trying to attack you or say that your question is silly so don't mad yet. Hear me out first.
I think that this is a good question even though it's been asked about a million times on this site (next time search through some of the questions that have already been asked - most people don't like repeating their answers over and over).
People these days have become so obsessed and confused with their sexuality. I'm not sure why, but my guess is that its because the gay community has become a more integrated part of society. Now teens feel like they need to make a choice.
When I was in middle school, nobody cared about their sexuality. They just lived their lives and did whatever. Imagine that! Being a teenager has gotten so complicated in the last few years. Teens are pressured to put themselves into very specific categories into which very few people would fit.
I know this is totally cliche, but everyone is different. You don't have to put yourself into any categories. In reality, being a teenager isn't complicated at all. Don't believe that it is and life will be so much easier for you. Don't bother worrying about this kind of thing. It'll get sorted out on its own as it should be.
If you put yourself into a category, there's less of a chance that you will ever really feel comfortable with your sexuality. If you decide right now that you are gay and you aren't, you will become gay just from constantly telling yourself that you are. There is no reason to decide at all at any time in your life. Just be comfortable with whatever feelings that you have. There's no reason to be confused or depressed. Just let things happen as they happen. If you decide you want a girlfriend next month great. If the next month you want to make out with a guy, go for it. This is a time in your life to experiement. Not to find out what you like, but to explore the options that you have. Having a girlfriend doesn't make you straight just like having a boyfriend doesn't make you gay. When you find someone that you like, gay, straight, or in between, all that matters is that you like them. Not what type of relationship it is.
Now for my advice. Don't tell anyone that you are curious about your sexuality. People (especially ones that are your age) are very unaccepting of gay males. If the word gets out, you'll have a really tough time getting through the rest of high school with everyone picking on you about being gay, when that might not be the case. Just play it cool and don't let your attractions to other guys show until college if you are still feeling that way. People are a lot more mature about this kind of thing in college. You'd still get some crap, but most of the time if someone doesn't like you they will just avoid you.
I believe that everyone, no matter how much they object to this, is born bisexual. Your sexuality is determined by your life experiences. It's a real thing, but it's not genetic and it's not something that you have from the beginning. It's something that grows in you as you mature and develop a sexual identity. So, sexuality is determined socially. It isn't determined by how you categorize yourself. It's determined by your thoughts and actions about sexuality toward both of the sexes. Most people are straight because that is the accepted way. Society is structured around heterosexuality. It's easy and it's ingrained in our minds from day one of our lives. Many people don't ever question it. They grow up, have heterosexual relationships, and never think otherwise - consciously anyway. Now, especially that the gay community has become more powerful, heterosexuality isn't as ingrained in our minds. The popular belief now is to be yourself. This always raises the question "well, then what am I?" People don't have that comfort that they used to in just growing up and never being with someone of the same sex in thought or practice. People don't just sit back and let their lives happen as they happen. Now that the comfort is gone, they feel pressured to make a decision.
Even though there are now more options, you can still just let your life happen as it happens. Nothing has really changed. The only thing that has changed is that homosexuality is slightly more accepted. Why should that force you to a decision? It shouldn't!
I can't stand it when 14 year olds go around saying that they are gay or bisexual. Why would they even be thinking about that? How could they possibly even know at that point in their lives? Why can't they just grow up not having to shove it down our throats that they are gay? Who really cares if they're gay anyway? "Straight" people don't do that. You never have to tell your best friend that you are straight, so there's no reason to have to tell them that you're gay. If someone is feeling like you are and wants to be strong and be their "true" selves, they more or less tend to shove their sexuality in your face. A sexuality that is very far from defined no matter how much they want to believe it is. If it was defined they wouldn't feel the need to shout it out to the world. In any case, don't be like that. It's annoying.
Again, there is no reason to make a choice. Do what feels right. You're not straight, gay, or bisexual. You are you. If you really feel like you need to make a decision in order to sleep at night, just say to yourself that you are bisexual. That leaves all your options open. Please don't make any decision permanant. Good luck. :)
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Sexuality is a hard thing to figure out. Whatever else you may think about the subject, know that it's normal to be confused - for many gay or bisexual people, it's not as easy as just 'knowing' instantly. After all, since people are small children, society presents an expectation that people will grow up to be straight. Who WOULDN'T be confused?
The best thing you can do is to just try to be gentle with yourself. You may only like guys, or you may like both. Either way, your happiness is what matters. Why not just allow yourself the time and space to think and feel your way through this?
Keep an open mind and see what happens. You may stumble or make a few wrong turns, but if you try to be true to how you're feeling, you'll eventually end up where you need to be.
I wish you the best.
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You're fourteen and you're confused.
It's normal for teenagers to be confused about their sexuality during adolescence. Don't close your mind to everything. Just let it play out.
Don't worry too much about it either, the majority of the guys you know feel the same way as you but won't admit it.
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