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Engagement
I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship for 5 years. I have been telling him for years that I really want to marry him. I knew he wasn't ready so I just kept telling him that I wanted a ring and we could have a long engagement. I was really hung up on getting a ring until recently when I realized I could wait and told him that I'd rather he just start saving so when we are ready it wouldn't be such a financial strain. I told him for our upcoming anniversary the only gift I would like is a receipt from the bank showing he deposited money in his savings account.
We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary with dinner at home in our pajamas. It was very casual so we were just going to watch a movie after dinner when he surprised me with a ring. I was shocked, to say the least. I didn't say anything at first and then just started saying oh my god over and over again. I said yes but didn't feel comfortable really. Then I thought about telling people and I got really uncomfortable, and he could tell. Long story short, we decided that I would keep the ring and when I'm ready I'll ask him to put it on me.
Here is my dilemma: I have watched my mother go through three divorces and has since settled with a man whom I don't believe she is truly happy with. I'm wondering if I'm destined to be like her. Will I end up divorced like her? Will I never find true happiness? Do I already have true happiness and not really realize it?
The other side of this is my father. He has been making comments for the past year about whether I'm missing out on a lot by being in a long term relationship so young. I'm worried that down the road I will regret it.
Do I have a great thing and I'm just spending too much time worrying about the what-ifs?
I feel horrible for pressuring him into this and then making a big mess out of it all.
I've only told my mother and my priest because I don't want others to know this- it's personal.
I'd appreciate any advice or input on the situation.
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I can understand that you've got a lot on your mind. But it's also important to look at what's going on inside your heart.
It's interesting that for years you wanted a ring, and then reached a point where suddenly you quite clearly realised you did not want one at this point. I would be curious what this was about, and I think if you spent some time really reflecting about this it might be helpful.
Sometimes people pin their very real worries onto outside things without even realising it - by wanting to save more money on a ring, by thinking about their mother's mistakes, by reflecting about their father's worries. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, but it does seem that your feelings/thoughts have gotten more complex about a situation you used to feel relatively sure about.
This could be because you are maturing. At 15, most girls want to marry their boyfriend and feel they will last forever. At 20, many girls are more into discovering themselves, realising they have more growing to do than they previously expected, etc.
I can't look into a crystal ball and say what you should or should not do, just as I can't accurately say what I think about your relationship. In actual fact, you may have a great thing AND be really, realy not ready for it.
What I do notice is that you don't speak about your feelings toward your boyfriend much in the question. It's all about outside things - the ring, other people, etc. Maybe you should take some time to think about how you feel. How you REALLY feel, not how you think other people expect you to be feeling.
There is no need to rush into anything at this point, and it's probably better not to. This doesn't mean you can't keep trying to explore how you feel about you, and how you feel about the relationship. Perhaps talking to a counsellor could help, or keeping a really honest journal.
Marriage is something you don't want to screw up. It's much better to have these worries and wavers before you commit to anything - whether you go through with it or not.
I wish you the very best. Feel free to ask another question if you need to.
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I think that the feelings you are having are very normal. It's not going to feel comfortable. Like your first kiss, it's awkward. This is the first time anything like this in your life has happened, but that doesn't take away how meaningful it was. Engagement is a serious thing. I had some of the same doubts. The thing is though, it's not marriage yet. There's no need to worry so much at this point. Nothing in the relationship should change. Engaged couples can split up and it's not much different than the breakup of a couple that had not been engaged. Get divorce out of your mind, those worries are very far away. You are ready to handle anything that can come up in an engagement. I'm currently engaged and it's going to be at least another year and a half before we get married. Long engagements are good because it gives you a long time to prepare for everything. There's no need to think about everything all at once. It's obvious that this guy really cares about you and that you really care about him too. Take it to the next level, you've got nothing to lose. You're not missing out on your life, you are planning a good future for yourself. You're in a much better position than lots of other couples. You're nervous and that is good! If you weren't nervous and you jumped into things too quickly, that's where you would get into trouble. You've been with him for 5 years, not 5 weeks! You're never going to find someone that is perfect, but it seems that you've found someone that you can have a life-long, happy relationship with. Think back to some of the reasons you wanted to marry him before. He hasn't changed. He's still that great guy that you fell in love with. There's no reason why you can't keep it secret at first. If you're not ready to tell people you don't have to. My advice is to agree that you are engaged and then get comfortable with it between yourselves first. Many many people do that. I did it for awhile and it was actaully kind of fun. It was like my fiance and I had this special secret that nobody else in the world knew about. I found it hard to wait for long because my excitement increased so much over having to hold it in. You don't have to wear the ring to be engaged. You can put it on in private and when you go into public you can wear it on a chain around your neck and hide it in your shirt if you want to. Engagement is a verbal agreement, you don't need to sign anything or wear anything to be engaged. Many couples don't even have engagement rings. Don't let anything get you down during this very special time in your life. In time you will feel much better about everything. Good luck. :)
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