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Defining Love is a pain.
After nearly two years together my boyfriend has decided he doesn’t really love me. Actually he has decided he has never really loved anyone. He said he’s never met anyone who he would do absolutely anything for, whose happiness he would put above his own; he hasn’t had that crazy love.
In my opinion, that is a good thing. If he had experienced that love he’d be insane and delusional. One of the things I love about him is how level-headed he is and how seriously he considers things. So I tried not to get too mad at first about this whole ‘love’ thing (although I think his expectation of real ‘love’ is completely ridiculous and impractical) but now I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m just a place-holder until he meets some girl he thinks he can have that kind of love with. It’s making me insecure with him and really defensive and snappy. When he talks about it now I just want to tear him to shreds, it so unlike him to pick a belief based entirely on his own subjective experience and not research any other opinions or philosophies! How can I deal with his philosophical thoughts on love without personalizing it so much and getting mad at him?
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what do you think would happen if you showed me a little less affection and laughed a little less at the things he says and not pay him as much attention as before. Maybe it's a good idea to give the same opinion. Agree with him (maybe even add something to make him feel not so damn SECURE around you?) I'm thinking that you should make him believe that if a guy had no idea if he was in love after 2 years...then he'll never know! Tell him how you feel...especially about you feeling insecure around him and make it clear to him that by now...he should start thinking about what his priorities are. His thoughts are selfish....Whats a girl supposed to think after hearing that?
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I used to view love very similarly to the way your boyfriend does. Then someone helped me face reality. Love isn't something you can define or something that you need to think through. It's a feeling. A simple feeling no different from frustration. Try explaining frustration. You can't, but most everyone at one time or another gets frustrated and doesn't have a problem saying that they are. I think that the best thing you can do is talk to him about it. Since he is level headed and so seriously considers things I don't think that it would offend him. He is being honest, open, and truthful with you. Give him the same back! Tell him that you understand his views and tell him how what he said is making you feel. Let him know that you are a little insecure because of it. It's very understandable that you are, he should get that. Be careful how you say things. Since this is making you defensive and snappy, if you approach him in that kind of way, he may think that you are angry with him. Let him know that that's not the case at all and that you just wanted to let him know what you were feeling so you could work through it together. Basically, tell him what you said here. My guess is that he will be very understanding. He definitely cares about you. He just has a very different view of what love is. I wouldn't worry about him finding another girl. With the beliefs that he is expressing, I doubt that he will ever find love at all. He probably doesn't believe that it exists. If you stick with him and guide him, you could help him change his views to something more realistic and hopefully, his love for you will grow. To keep from getting mad at him, try to view him as a lost soul that needs some guidance. It seems like you understand love pretty well. It's neither of the extremes, it's just something in the middle. A simple feeling that doesn't affect your life very much. With your understanding of love and his intellectuality (not sure if that is a word), I think that you two can get through this. Good luck! :)
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