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love life
This is going to be long.
My name is Alex.
So first off.. I've been going out with this really nice girl for about 9 months, and I really really like her. We've kissed, at least once a day (just a peck on the lips), and we've held hands whenever we're together. She tells me she loves me everyday, and I respond with the same. But I'm not sure if I really mean it as much as I did when I asked her out. See, before we started going out, I liked her for about 3 months (so about this time last year).
I'm afraid that this is foreshadowing my future love life. I'm afraid that I won't be able to make a commitment for when I go to get engaged and get married. I want sooooo bad to have kids, a wife, and a happy future, but I don't think that's going to happen. Please don't say that everything's going to be okay, I need some significant advice.
Also, unfortunately, I think I might be gay. Recently I've looked at gay porn, and I find it addicting. I don't want this for my life. In addition, I have youth group every monday night, and there's this guy in it named James, who is always touching my hands and caressing my arms and legs. When he's doing this, I always act like I don't like it, but when I get home, I wish that I hadn't gotten him off of me. I actually want him to touch me, and I think I love him. He's a really nice guy and I find him very attractive, along with other people in my school (RHS).
Do I just think I love him because of my testosterone, or do I love him for his personality? Along with him, I find myself attracted to a lot of guys at my school (as I said), and I imagine myself being sexually active with them.
The real problem is that I want to remain faithful to my girlfriend of 9 months, to God, and my family, who is very homophobic.
I really don't know what to do! Please help!
Thank you very much.
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Hey Alex,
Man, when you write I can really feel your heavy emotions about all of this. This is really burdening you, I hope I can give you temporary comfort at its least. I have gone through similar burdens. My decisions on how to relieve my burdens were my decisions and by no means will I encourage you to take the same steps, for everyones situation is different. I, for instance, did not have religion in the mix.
So let me tell you what I went through and what I did...
I throughout Jr. high and high school had a few girlfriends. In all of them we were the cutest couple in school. In all but two of them we were sexually active. At this point, my expectations for my distant future were perfect wife, perfect kids (I dated pretty girls who would make pretty children), a good job, a nice house, nice car, and many quaint Christmases. Captain America with the American dream.
But, when no one was around, I had a secret. I didn't know how to define it, I didn't know how to confront it, I didn't how to even look at my secret. But I did know it made me feel good. Much better than the way I felt on stage to the world trying to attain the perfect life. Yes, you know what my secret is. It started out with me trying to steal a peak at my older brother naked. He was so different than me "down there". I was young and every young guy is curious. I nervously looked in Playgirl magazines at stores. I would cautiously check guys out in the showers in gym class. I jerked off a lot thinking of guys. But nobody knew. Except James.
I, too, had a James. James was bisexual. Only his close friends knew it. He was bigger and stronger than all of us, so none of us ever dared to spread his secret for fear of getting pummeled. James had caught me checking him out in the shower. I was 16, a sophomore. After school he called me out on it, and of course I denied it and claimed ignorance. Just like you did with your James. But he and I became friends, and through our friendship we became even closer friends. He was my first sexual experience with a guy, and I was his third. (On a side note, when I tell this story to friends, they normally ask me at this point if either he or I was molested when we were younger. The answer is a definite no for me and as far as I know it is no for James as well.) We just occasionally did what felt good. We both had girlfriends. I was happy with our secret, but extremely confused. How did this apply to my future? What was my future? Are James and I in a gay relationship? I am a jock, not a flamboyant, dress wearing pervert. Keep in mind I was still having very pleasurable sex with my girlfriends, and actually thinking of them, not James or any other guy for that matter. What is bisexuality? Its either gay or straight, right? I even lost one of my girlfriends because she didn't like how close James and I were. She didn't even know the half of how close we were. Picture Brokeback Mountain. But James was/is so mature. He felt that we didn't have to define what we had to ourselves or to anyone. Just live in the moment. "The only opinion you have to worry about is your own" he would say. But that IS the opinion I was worried about. I was falling in love with someone I wasn't supposed to love.
But then I thought about it. There are many worse things in this world than Love. And through that logic I also look at sex. As long as sex never got in the way with my day to day responsibilities, and as long as I wasn't breaking the law, what is wrong with a little pleasure? I really should be hard on myself. I was at a stage in my life where I needed to really look at my future, and was I going to live my life for my parents, for God, for society? My life is my life. My American dream was for all of them, not for me.
After high school, James went to college and we stayed in touch. I stayed home and helped take care of my mother who was very ill. We stayed in touch and we still talk once in a while. I learned about Life in the real world with my eyes wide open and not fooling myself into wanting the perfect family. At that point I could of went any direction, but I met an amazing guy from another high school, that coincidentally knew James also, but not it that "special" way, and we have been together ever since, over 15 years.
So, take my James' advice and live in the moment. Only persons opinion you need is your own. Not your parents, dare I say not Gods. Get to know your James as a friend first before you do anything. You might not be very compatible. Take it step by step. Don't punish yourself for having these thoughts. Don't try to define them. Just be.
Please update me and if you need anymore help let me know and we can exchange info.
good luck.
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Relationships lose some of their pizazz with time. Learning to adjust to that is a big step in the transition to having adult relationships for many people. What you are feeling is very normal. Stick with your girlfriend and see where it takes you. You would likely experience the same thing with anyone else so don't worry about that for now. Your situation though, is a little more complicated than just that. Homosexuality can be very attractive and addicting. I've questioned these things myself. When I opened up to it in myself I found that I was more physically attracted to the same sex than to the opposite sex. This is because it was new and exciting, not because I was gay. Now, after I've lived with it awhile, I find the sexes equally attractive and currently consider myself bisexual. You should feel the same thing after some time. I have made the decision that I would never date someone of the same sex. Like you, I have too much committment to my current heterosexual relationship and to God. I also have a very strong committment to a happy future. There's no reason to go through the hardships and stresses of being in a homosexual relationship when I can have the same amount of happiness in a heterosexual relationship. It just makes sense. I can still have my fantasies about the same sex and maybe even have a threesome or other experience with someone of the same sex with my current partner's involvement or permission. I would imagine that it is slighly easier for me to handle this than for you because I have my partner's acceptance and encouragement of my desires. I'm female. You being male may make that a little harder to get. Being able to talk about this with your partner is very important. It has become quite easy to be in a heterosexual relationship and have some homosexual feelings, but only because I can talk freely about it and experiment with it with my partner. Since male homosexuality is currently viewed differently than female homosexuality I would be very careful about bringing this up. There's no question that the person you decide to marry should know about it, but I don't think you're quite to that point with your current girlfriend yet. My advice to you would be to test the waters a little. Don't let on that you are bisexual, but see how she might react to certain ideas that you bring up. Plan it out and think of some creative ways to figure out how she feels first about bisexual men and then about being in a relationship with a bisexual man. If you get a very strong feeling that she will be totally disgusted and agasinst it, you can try easing her into it, but you may just want to consider finding someone else. You could do it, but it would be hard to keep something like that in for the rest of your life from your spouse. There are a lot of girls out there that are okay with this sort of thing. I'm sure that you can find one. Lastly, if you do choose to experiment with the same sex, it is just as important to wear a condom in order to help prevent the spread of disease. Good luck. :)
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