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I can't seem to make friends at college; is something wrong
{Sorry this is so long}
I have been at college for three months now, and I can't seem to make friends. I'm friendly enough and get along well with people in my classes and my roommate, people I see every day. But I haven't made any close friends. I'm very unhappy here. This was my second-choice school to begin with, I only came here because my parents told me that it was too expensive for me to go to my first-choice school. I'm getting top grades in all of my classes, but when I'm not in class or doing work (I also have a job) I feel like there's nothing to do. I'm scared to go out and talk to people - it's so awkward. I don't know how to get people's numbers or make friends. Everyone said that making friends in college would be easy and come naturally, but they're so wrong.
I've gone home almost every weekend to see my boyfriend. (One weekend we went out with my highschool friends, and I plan to meet up with them over Thanksgiving break as well.) I love him dearly and he's my best friend. I could see how this might affect my relationships with people but I also don't think that it's it. For one thing, the reason I'm going home is because I'm so unhappy at college! There's nothing to do here. I missed an audition for a group I wanted to join because I was sick, and I can't pledge to a sorority first semester (though I plan to next semester.) My boyfriend makes friends very easily and though he (like me) puts a lot of time into our relationship - we text constantly, talk online, usually talk on the phone an hour or more a day (though it's been less lately as he's been busy and I've been sick). Mark is just a naturally friendly guy, everyone likes him (hah, except for my parents). I'm naturally very quiet and shy, until I get to know people - I'm not that way with my close friends. And when I'm with people I know, I relax and am more open and friendly. I made friends in high school... why can't I do it now?
I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me. I have clinical depression, which usually doesn't affect me unless I have my period - I'm on antidepressants and they work well. However I remember one of my friends who also has depression telling me that she has SAD - Social Anxiety Disorder. I wonder if I have that, or something similar - or am I just being stupid? Why can't I seem to handle college? Everyone else can do it, everyone else has at least one friend, SOME friends.
Actually, at the beginning of school, I had a couple friends I'd met at orientation, we hung out a lot and it seemed like they were going to be my core group of friends here at college. After I went home for a weekend, we got together once, maybe a couple times. And then they just stopped calling me. I called, left voicemails, but finally gave up - there was no sense in looking desparate. I had also made a friend in my building, but after an awkward night where he thought I wanted to get together with him - and I, having a boyfriend, said no - we've talked less and less. When I see these people around, they're friendly, but they never call, and I don't want to seem pushy. The one guy friend has extended an open invitation to join him whenever, but they go out to bars and clubs - not really an environment I want (or my boyfriend wants me) to partake in. The town my school is in is very skeazy, dangerous, and bad, so that's not just me.
What's wrong with me that I just get abandoned like this, or just can't seem to handle this whole college scene? I don't understand, I'm really lost and confused and a little depressed. I'm not completely unhappy - I've been working well, I have my boyfriend and our wonderful weekends together, and the hopes of transferring next year. But when I'm stuck here on the weekends - as I am now - it's just awful. Does anyone have any advice to help me?? Please?! I'm miserable!
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BL4CKB3L7_F41RY gave very good advice. I'd like to add though, that the majority of the people in college don't find their core group of friends until their junior year and a lot don't find anyone at all. I know that sounds terrible, but I've come to terms with it. If you go into college already in a relationship, you start out at a disadvantage. You have to alott time to your boyfriend and will be limited in what you can do. Most groups of people that you see hanging out are just party/drinking buddies. They aren't real friends. They don't do friend things. They aren't going to be there for each other unless they are drunk. You don't want that. If you are extremely desperate for friends, take a break from your boyfriend to get some. I found that I couldn't do that. Not in a million years. I'm in a very similar situation as you except my high school friends ditched me too. The only people I really talk to are friends from my summer job. They live all over the place so I very rarely get to see them. It's really hard at first, but after a year I have adjusted. My life doesn't focus around friends. I find other things to fill my time. My suitemates complain about me staying in my room all the time and never going out with them, but that's just not my thing. I don't drink and I don't feel like joining silly clubs or spending a ton of time with a sport. I know a lot of people. I'm not a complete social outcast. I have a "friend" that I talk to in most of my classes and sometimes I'll go to meals with people. The thing is, you're only there for four years. It takes awhile to form a solid friendship and then what? You graduate. It's not always worth putting all that extra time and energy into it when you have really great friends and a wonderful boyfriend already. Don't be discouraged. The next time you see people in a group together laughing and you feel jealous, listen to what they're talking about. It's probably a bunch of stupidity that you wouldn't want to get involved with, not friendship. Friends may come. Just don't worry yourself over finding them. Friendship is something that just happens. Let your current friends be your support system for now and you will be just fine. I hope things get better for you. Good luck and remember that you are definitely not alone. :)
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I think that you should talk to some people in your class and ask hey what are you guys doing today and if they tell you, you should ask if yyou could go. This is what I would do and it worked in my own expereinse. I hope this helps
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Okay... here's what you do.
Stop going home. I hate to say it, but limit yourself to once a month. Your high school friends will mean less and less as you go through university. You're shutting yourself off from being close to new people, because you want to stick to the past. I saw it happen a lot, and you're really limiting yourself.
This is nothing to do with any mental disorders, since I have bipolar disorder and managed to make tons of friends in my first few weeks at university last year.
Go out with the guy friend who keeps inviting you out! I know your town might seem really skeezy and gross, but so is the city I go to school in, and it's actually a lot of fun when you're a student. This is a chance to experience new things and a new way of living.
Try joining clubs. There are tons of clubs out there to suit every interest. Does your faculty have a club? Get involved!
Here's a tactic I used to meet lots of people last year. Next time you go to class, sit next to someone who's sitting alone. Strike up a conversation with them about anything... schoolwork, whatever. It sounds really awkward, but it works. Chances are if they're sitting alone, they could use a friend too!
Also, don't make the mistake that a lot of people make. Remember that even that dorky person in your class is a person too, and could be a lot of fun. Everyone's fair game when it comes to friendship, so be indiscriminate!
Hope I helped, even if I was a little harsh :)
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