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emotional infidelity
What do i do with a husband who doesn't believe he is cheating on me since he insists the relationship isn't physical? We will be going to marriage counciling soon but have to wait for an appointment. He has written love letters to her that i found. i can't just dump him, i have a 9 month old daughter to think about. He still wants to hang out with the girl and won't stop, even after i said it would hurt me and our relationship if he did. he doesn't think he is wrong. What would you do?
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I finally told my husband when he was doing something similar that it didn't matter anymore if he thought he was cheating. What mattered was what he was doing was hurting me to the point I would have to leave. I reworded it to his "actions" instead of "cheating". He understood that and quit repeating his actions that were hurting me and our marriage. We have a son who was about 7 at the time. If your man cares for the baby as much as you do, he'll meet you halfway.
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He is not taking your feelings into consideration, and that is not a foundation for a strong relationship. It must have been devastating to find the letters. I would get a divorce that's what I would do. Life's too short to waste it on someone who doesn't love you the way you love him. You can do better by raising your daughter alone without all the tension that he is creating.
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Be patient. Think only about yourself and your daughter right now. You cannot change anyone but yourself, and you need to concentrate on setting appropriate limits. He has been having his cake and eating it too. It is somewhat normal to have an occasional fantasy, but what is devastating is when someone loses the grasp of reality or is willing to trade a great reality for a fantasy. This other girl is just a fantasy. They do not pay bills together or have a real relationship with all the strings attached. He could be doing this because he is overwhelmed with responsibility and does not have the maturity and skills to cope in a healthy way. He most likely needs counseling alone as well as marriage counseling, and I would suggest that to him. Love is a choice, and he is choosing to be selfish and take care of only his selfish need right now. She is not more desireable than you, she is just less real, and that is all he is willing to have right now, a very unreal and selfish kind of love, which is not love at all. He does not love her, he is using her and she will find that out eventually. Keep me posted if you need anything else. I am here to support you.
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I am in the same situation except he is looking for a relationship online. Emotional cheating can be more destructive than physical cheating. He is sharing his heart with another, while physical can be just that, phsyical. If he has written love letters to her, he is deeper into this than he is letting on. I know that a counselor will agree that this is indeed cheating. But don't end your marriage over it. Go to counseling for your daughters sake. My feeling is that if he is willing to go, he does love you, if he is hesitant, he can't respect you and does love having his cake and eating it too. Your daughter is young and if you do take hold of your self esteem and leave, she wont suffer too much at her age. Never stay in it for the children, they in time will suffer too. Because this will breed long loud arguments, and she will be sitting there listening to it all! That will damage her. If he can't respect your wishes he has got to go. Good luck hun.
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You will not be able to change your husbands idea of what is cheating and what is not. It may not be physical (yet) but it can still be an intimate relationship. Males and females can have friends of the opposite sex, but when it interferes with your marriage (like in this case) then it is not just a friend. Right now he is having his cake and eating it, too. He has a wife and a girlfriend. He has no reason to leave. He has written this woman love letters. That should tell you it might very well be more than just friends. You need to be the one to make a decision for you and your child. Be strong in what you want from your relationship. He is married to you and should not be writing love letters to another. I think he is being selfish since he does not care enough to break off this other relationship for you and your child. IF you can get into marriage counseling I hope it works for you. If after that he still is seeing her...then it is time to move on. Without him.
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