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Marriage Problems
I recently asked [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) and one of the columnists told me I sounded fake. So I'll try to rephrase my question in a better way with more details.
My husband and I have been having a lot of problems lately. It seems he only cares about getting sex, even though he claims he cares about me and not just my body. He and I haven't been able to talk to each other lately. He tends to keep quiet, unless we’re arguing. Then he gets really cocky and acts like he doesn’t need me. It hurts my feeling a lot, especially since he and I both slept around in our younger days. Also, he’s become involved in drug use. I know he’s been trying to quit and he’s been placed in rehabilitation, but I’m not sure I can handle the stress he causes. I love him, but I fear he’s going to hurt me. He’s never been abusive before, but I know he can be aggressive and he does tend to like rough sex. I don’t want to leave him because I don’t think I’ll ever find another guy as right for me as him, but what if I’m only kidding myself? He only seems to love me (or even like me, for that matter) when we’re getting intimate! When my brother-in-law introduced us we mostly bonded on common ground because of our similar pasts. Perhaps basing a relationship on that was a bad idea, but it made me feel more connected to him like he understood me. Now that feeling is gone. My sisters say I'm "not getting my emotional needs met", whatever that means.
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Hi,
Clearly you are being ver mistreated by your husband and that is not acceptable.
However, considering that he has a drug problem, this could be the root cause of his bad behaviour towards you. For example, drug addicts can be violent and aggressive as drugs can make you have an aggressive "trip". Also, drugs are als known to dehumanise people, stripping away any feelings they have e.g. sympathy, empathy, love. It can mkae them emotionally cold. Hopefully, your husband is doing well in rehab and is seeing counselling for this. I also hope as part of his rehab, you get an opportunity to voice your fears and feelings in a safe environment, perhaps with the counsellor present, so that you can tell your husband that he scares you and that there's no communication or loving feelings from him.
I can't tell you whether you've married your husband for the wrong feelings, that's something only you can decide, but I do feel that once you talk to your husband openly and get an answer one way or another, you will have more clarity and hopefully it will help you make the right decision.
From experience of having a friend in your situation, I truly sympathise. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough, especially when there are bigger problems,such as drugs. That's why you eed to know where you stand with your husband and perhaps refuse to have sex with him until your emotional relationship with him gets back on track.
Also, look for support groups in your local area as you are clearly suffering.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope I have been of some help and comfort to you.
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You guys need to reconnect on a more emotional level, instead of sexual. He might be using sex like a drug. He obviously likes sex and a guy that likes rough sex is very passionate in physical aspects, but not always emotionally. It seems to me that he is not using you for sex, but using sex as a way to keep things going with you two. If you are fighting and sex is the solvant of the fight, then he is going to use sex as a crutch for everything bad in the relationship. And there is nothing good about that.
You need to be able to get some communication going between you two that has nothing to do with you guys getting physical. Having sex is a great way to relieve stress, but you are missing the bigger picture and problem. Talking about your feelings to eachother is the best way to get back what your losing. Tell him how you feel and what is upsetting you. If he doesn't care to listen or just immediately starts acting cocky, then ignore it and wait until he wants to talk. Now if he comes in the room 20 minutes later wanting to have sex, don't let him have it. If he wants it, he needs to satisfy your needs first. He needs to talk to you and listen to your feelings.
I'm not saying be mean about not having sex with him when he wants it, but you need to set guidelines, because you are allowing him to push you around. Take charge and show him you are just as capable of being fine without him, as he tries to claim he is. He obvious likes having the power and control in the relationship and might actually be using that against you as well. So show him you are stepping up. If he tries to say he doesn't need you, understand he is all talk. He is only saying that because he doesn't want to lose you, but he knows that when he says that, it makes you nervous and brings you down. So don't allow him to have the control of hurting your feelings or making you feel inferior. And if you feel that he would step out on you if you don't allow him to have his sex, then maybe you need to do some relationship re-adjusting, because trust is the biggest thing that makes a relationship work. Without it, you will never be happy, and it will never work.
If you ever need anymore advice, don't hesitate to note my inbox. I'm always here to help.
~Sherah
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