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I have 2 boys 21 and 23. They are not speaking to me.
My boys are 21 and 23. They live together in an apartment in a city not far away. My oldest son quiet and easily lead by my youngest son. My youngest boy is bitter about my divorce of their father and the fact that I started a relationship with another man. He has convinced my oldest boy they they should not have a relationship with me. Before all of this came to my attention I bought my oldest son a birthday present. I want to send it to him. I am very hurt by thier behaviour and I have no intention of forcing myself into their lives. Should I send the gift? If I do, what should I write in the card?
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It is a sad but typical fact that children often blame their mother for a divorce, even if the dad is a jerk. They are young adults, but still need to know that you are there for them. They will get over the bitterness and the oldest son will find his own way in life without the younger brother eventually, but you still can't wait around for them. Do what is the right and moral and loving thing for a mother to do no matter how you think they will interpret it. Let them know that you are not going to curl up and die. They need to see you as a stable parent and loving mother no matter how mad they are about the divorce. Eventually, they will be mature enough to separate their feelings about the divorce from how they perceive you as a parent. Do not even think of trying to guilt them or bad talk their dad, as this will quickly backfire on you! Be a positive loving mom, and they will be drawn back to you again.
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Your boys are beeing foolish and will eventualy comme to the fact that they can't change your mind. Be the biger persson and send the gift with the same type of message as befor the divorce. Dont give up hope on you and your sons relationship, i know your hurt and so are they. But things will eventrualy blow over you just have to give it time.
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First off, you are the adult and they are the children. So, the personal choices and decisions you make are solely for you to decide. Yes, it's okay for your sons to hold resentment about the divorce, but don't feel like you are being punished. All your life as a mother you have given to them, now it's your turn to do something for yourself. I for sure think that you should send the present to your son for two reasons. 1. To show him that you will always ackowledge his birthday and him no matter what and 2. to try and break the current rift. In the card, of course tell him happy birthday, but also express how you are feeling about the situation and that you understand his anger, but will be waiting for if/when he comes around. Sometimes these things just take time to get use to. In the mean time, just enjoy the moment for YOU. Your sons love you and will eventually come to terms with things. :)
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