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I think my bf is bisexual
How do I go about asking my bf if he is bisexual? I've seen a lot of signs that he could be and I am curious to know. It wouldn't change anything between us and I think it could strengthen our relationship especially since I am bisexual. He was picked on A LOT when he was younger for being gay (which he definitely isn't). I really don't want to hurt his feelings. If I ask him if he is bisexual he'll probably get really worked up and defensive. He's a very emotionally run person. When I ask him questions he's embarassed about he avoids them for as long as possible. When he finally answers he goes ballistic. I don't want him to feel like I'm accusing him of anything or that I believe that he is bisexual. I really have no idea if he is or not. I am going to have to ask at some point if he doesn't tell me and I want it to go as smoothly as possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
20/f, 21/m
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hello - good question.
I'll offer you my guys point of view.
First off - It would help if you explain more about WHY you think he might be sexually attracted to men. Your question comes off as you having this assumption, then you are afraid to accuse him, then you worry about how ballistic he will get if your accusation is incorrect. He must have done something that makes you think he might be bi.
Now, it is my experience that guys are much more secretive than women when it comes to their sexuality...even when they are in loving relationships. What is interesting is that sometimes the guy is secretive even to himself. Almost like he does not want to admit it. I have heard some people describe it as some sort of Jekyll and Hyde where these men keep their homosexual attractions secret to protect their otherwise perfect normal lives. Perhaps, he is whats called awfulizing the situation and thinking if he actually has these thoughts his life might be much, much more worse than the very comfortable situation that he has currently with you. Keep in mind these MIGHT be his thoughts.
Even though he helped you get over your insecurities about your bisexuality, if you are correct in your thinking, he possibly will have to get over much more than just a few insecurities when it comes to himself. If he has these sexual thoughts this might be difficult for him to deal with. I know you are thinking, "well, thats what I am here for, I want to be there for him, I want to help him just as he helped me", but thats not how men work. This might be hard for you to understand, men often prefer to deal with their problems on their own, processing their issues in their mind, often while actively participating in something else, while women prefer to discuss almost everything with those that are close to them. Women treat "girl talk" like an emotional release valve. Just like you said, "It's very hard for me to keep secrets and not be completely and totally open and honest... I want to make him feel as good as I can sexually, but if he's not going to be open with me and talk about it, how can I?" Why would men do it this way, it sounds horrible, to be alone punishing yourself with these problematic thoughts. its not that easy. They, we, do this to protect ourselves and those around us. But sometimes, actually most of the time, by keeping secrets to ourselves we actually HURT those around us. Your boyfriend is young, and he hasn't quite learned this life lesson yet. Men tend to learn this after many experiences of burning others. Understand, if he is bi, and even though your "Door of Acceptance" is standing wide open, he still may be protecting you, you relationship, and first and foremost, himself.
Its funny, strange funny not haha funny, that you say that he is never going to tell you because he has, in your opinion, no logical reason to. The blatant logical reason I see is the future of your relationship. If you feel he is worthy of your investment, you need to change your thinking and actually expect more from him.
So here is my advice. Take the back door and plant a seed in his head. Lay off the accusations, and focus on all the positive aspects of him. Really focus! Slowly lay your cards down on the table. Say something like, "I feel really comfortable around you. Thanks. If there is ever anything you want to talk about, I am here for you. Whatever you have to say won't change my opinion of you". Don't lecture, or use a harsh tone. Just relax, and in time he will come to you. While he has time to really think about things, there you are, the fallback plan. And you do more of what he does, preoccupy yourself with something to keep you from wondering about him. You know when you are alone with your thoughts and your thoughts get more and more bad because you don't have any answers? Well, forget about your boyfriend for a little bit and do what you love. He will come to you when you stop pressuring him.
good luck.
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Update***
I caution everyone of any sexual preference to use condoms and of the risks of having sex in general. I have friends who are bisexual and I know that they prefer monogamy and do not sleep around or have threesomes etc..so I did not mean to imply otherwise. Sorry for the confusion, I was just covering the bases, because I don't know you. If you just wanted to find out about his sexual curiosities in any area, I would still give it time. Even fantasies that people have can be difficult to share, and don't mean that they would want to actualize the fantasy into reality. Most everyone has probably thought about bisexuality or other fantasies, and for many it is just a passing thing, and obviously for others, it is much more. He has chose to be in a straight relationship and so have you, so any desires you or he have for anyone else probably should not be encouraged, if you want to stay in a monogamous relationship.
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You may be right or wrong, but it is up to him to figure it out himself and choose the time to bring it up if he wants to. Sexuality is personal and private business. If you are wanting to have an open relationship or experiment, then go ahead and be open about what you want. Just don't try to pressure him into anything or talk him into something he does not want. It could easily backfire, if you do. If you need to be with someone who is bisexual like you are and he is not, you might want to leave him now, before you waste each other's time even more. Two people need to really be on the same page and I agree that you should not be dishonest with him. Remember that the more partners you have or share, the greater the chance for getting various sexually transmitted diseases, so please be careful and use protection every time.
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Maybe try to wait for him to tell you if he is. He maybe curious himself and not sure. If he is, he may be a littled shy about it. But if he was ready for you to know, then I'm sure he would tell you.
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Well, first of all you have to think while you're curious as to if he's bisexual or not, he might be wondering the same thing. So maybe wait awhile and see what happens. If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you. He might not feel comfortable sharing it with everyone. Maybe if you let him know you're bisexual first, he might then be comfortable sharing it with you because he knows you're the same. Yeah, I don't think just asking him would be the best way to go about it, cause you're right, he might get embarassed and he'd get very upset, probably. Just the next time you talk to him, be like,"Well, we're getting to that certain point in our relationship where we should probably tell eachother stuff, and I trust you enough to let you know that I'm bisexual. Is there anything you have to let me know?" [ or something similiar to that ] And if he says anything, great. But if not, he just might never be comfortable with letting you know, or I'd take the hint that he might not be bisexual at all. I hope I helped.
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ok does he no you r bisexual.
if he doesnt no you should tell him you are then it will probably make him want 2 tell you about him.
but if you ask him he shouldnt get mad unless you insult him
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It's not your question to ask. He may be trying to figure out the answer to that question right now as well - not everyone is as self-aware about their sexuality as others. It's up to him when he'll decide to share that information with his friends and loved ones. Even if he is bisexual, he still loves you, and that's what's important at this point.
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