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Should I move out??? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!
i am an 18 year old teenager in need of some desperate advice.
do you offer advice?
PLEASE can you offer me some advice.
I have got myself into the most HORRIBLE situation ever and can see no solution. Please could you offer me any advice? i feel sick thinking about it all.
I have a sort of relationship??/emotional problem
My Problem is this:
When I was in primary school I fell in love with someone called Ian.
But then when it came too high school, he got sent to a private all boy's school far away and I got sent to the local comprehensive.
I thought I'd NEVER see him EVER again and despaired.
Around about the same time my Grandmother of whom I was VERY close to died. She practically raised me.My mother never seemed to bother with me. However I never noticed this neglect (by my mother)until my Grandma died.
I noticed that I was very unsupported by my mother and in general uncared for. Sometimes she was also emotionally abusive towards me--sometimes she could be so nasty she'd make me cry.
Because of all these things(the death of my Grandma, the loss of Ian and also the uncaring attituse at home) I began to feel very depressed.
Then I made a TERRIBLE mistake:
Somedays I felt so low I found it almost impossible to think about the future and sometimes couldn't find the will-power to get up in the mornings.I started to refuse to go to school asn I felt so low. I'd been bullied VERY VERY badly at the primary school i went to (before I moved to the one Ian was at)which also made me quite nervous of people and scared of school too.However I recieved no help, no counselling or anything(do you think this was neglect?)
I refused to go to High school on-and-off for the first three years by which time I was REALLY REALLY very behind in my work.I then refused to go to school altoghether as I couldn't cope any more with my life. I was SEVERELY depressed and wasn't thinking logically. I ended up having 5 measly hours of home tuition per week, for the next two years which should have been spent in school. Unsurprisingly I then failed all my GCSEs (apart from one, where I got a 'C' in English)I felt so depressed. I then have stayed at home doing nothing for the past two years as I have felt too embarrassed to face the world.
However this is my problem:
I now want??/need to go to college. However I have just found out thet the college I wanted to attend is right next door to the top educational sixth form which Ian goes to. If I go there then I will definantely bump into him…but the thing is he will NEVER EVER be interested in me now (even if he used to be when I was ok).how on earth canI explain to him WHY I refused to go to school? He’s going to think I am a bad person .
But the thing is he's studying 'A' levels at a top sixth form college. And I .....will probably have to go on an Entry level course and learn really basic stuff like how to cook, use public transport etc(basically for absolute dim-wits)
He'll NEVER EVER be interested in me now. He's in a different league to me. He's so clever.but this is killing me. I wish I could be with him more than anything in the world but as soon as he finds out that's it....my dream...dead......finished
Also even if I go to a different college, it's inevitable that i'll bump into him whilst out and about anyway.(I just can’t believe that I DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THIS years ago….i just wasn’t thinking properly) But If I ignore him then he'll think I'm not interested i him, when I am. But if I talk to him he'll not like me anyway when he finds out what I've done. He'll think I;m a terrible person.
The thing is (and I really need your help on this) HOW ON EARTH DO I EXPLAIN TO HIM ABOUT HOW I REFUSED TO GO TO SCHOOL--AND WORST OF ALL WHY? HE'LL NOT THINK VERY WELL OF ME ONCE I'VE TOLD HIM. I'M not going to lie. I need him to know the truth.my other problem is that when I refused to go to school--s did my sister(only she didn't have a valid reason) she simply wouldn't go just because I was off school and didn't see why she should go either.HOW ON EARTG CAN I EXPLAIN TO HIM HOW MY SISTER IS NOW IN THE SAME SITUATION I'M IN?HE'LL THINK MY FAMILY ARE AWFUL.(he used to know her you see)
What on earth should I do?
Also my mum's still not very nice to me.I want to move into the local youth hostel? but unfortunately I don't know how. Please could you tell me how I can move out? How do you move out?
Also, one of the reasons why I couldn't cope with school was because of the neglect/emotional abuse that I suffered at home. I thought that if I moved out then it would offer ian a bit of validation that I couldn't cope with/was having a bad time at home and he might believe me then when I told him about the neglect.
if I stay at home and go to college as I am now then he'll think I'm making it all up as I'm ok now.and he'll wonder how come it is that I couldn't cope with school/education back then but I can now!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME MOVING OUT? but are Foyers rough places? don/t you have to be quite tough to survive living in one?Also could i manage living like this since I don't realy know basic stuff I need to know to live independantly?PLEASE HELP.
i HAVE DEEPLY CONSIDERED going to Wales and living in a Foyer there so that I never have to face ian(because it's inevitable that we'll meet) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS IDEA?
but would they let me live in a Foyerl so far away or would they refuse and say I need to live in a local one?How do I move out?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Could you reply to me. I feel really sick thinking about it all. I need some advice----fast!
Should i move out to a local Foyer/youth Hostel? Or to Wales?
PLEASE HELP ME I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO :(
i live in England
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dang... that sucks, a lot. firt of all, you can't go back and change the past, so try and forget about it. secondly, this Ian dude, you should tell him everything, every single little detail. why would he think bad of you for being depressed? he wouldn't... i mean, come on. your mom seems to have mentaly and emotionally freaking abandoned you. you're best friend in the whole world who is the guy you love so dearly even after all these years went to that school far away. the school counsellers didn't even try to help, ur damn strait that's neglect! and your grandma who seems to have been the only one in your family who ever cared about you died... tell me no one should be depressed about that... MY ASS!... you have every right to have felt like that, and even though you made a really bad decision in the past, that shouldn't condemn you forever to keep on living all sad all the time... if you tell Ian everything he should understand, if he cares about you the way you care about him... i hope everything turns out ok
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You have my sympathy for all you've faced. My advice is limited in nature due in part to what I don't know about your situation, but I think I can help out some.
First, try not to be so hard on yourself; you've had a rough time, and many people might have come through it worse than you did. You've survived, and I wouldn't say that any of the problems you describe are insoluble.
I think you're looking at Ian as your potential knight in shining armor, a possible means of rescue from your situation. Don't put all that on his shoulders! He's 18, just like you, and though he's been more successful in school I doubt he's prepared to solve all your problems for you.
Have you been in touch with Ian all this time? If not, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he no longer feels the same about you as you do for him. He may have a girlfriend, or other plans that don't involve you, and this has nothing to do with your lack of education or anything else - he just hasn't been in your life for a few years, and may well have moved on. You don't mention what kind of relationship you had when you were in school together, but I don't get the impression that you were dating or anything. It's possible that he hasn't really been thinking about you.
But for the sake of argument, we can say that he hasn't. If you do seek contact with him, make sure you don't view him as your savior, but as a friend. Don't sell him short - he may be very much interested in you, even though you aren't on the same level academically and you have family problems. Then again, he may not.
You seem to be very much concerned with what Ian will think, where Ian will be going to school, and whether Ian will believe you. Your problems are NOT Ian's problems! You need to be making choices based on what's best for you, without regard for what Ian might think. You've got him on a very high pedastal, and that's not fair to him.
First piece of practical advice: FORGET ABOUT IAN.
Your first priority should not be to get a boyfriend - it should be to get a future. You say you want to go to college, which is commendable, but I don't see how you're going to do it without a high-school diploma or its equivalent (here in the U.S. we have something called a GED, which is a test you can take that shows you have high-school level knowledge; presumably, there is something similar you can take). Of course you'll need to do some studying, and a good place to look for help on that would probably be your local library. They could at least point you in the right direction.
Moving out is a trickier decision. It certainly seems as though your Mom is no help to you, which is most unfortunate; you have my sympathy. However, I'm guessing that for the time being you have a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in, and food to eat. You may want to stay with that situation for a little longer so that you can concentrate on educating yourself. On the other hand, if the situation is so bad that you can't focus on learning, then perhaps you should move out. (Incidentally, in the United States, one is legally an adult at 18 - if this is not the case in England, then you may need to take some legal steps to essentially declare yourself independent from your mother. If you are legally an adult at 18 in England, then neither she nor anyone else has any say in whether you can move out or where you can go live - it's up to you.)
I don't have much practical advice there, unfortunately, because when I moved out I did so with my parents' blessing. In addition, I've never lived in a youth hostel or anything remotely similar, so I can't tell you what to expect. I can, however, tell you a few things you'll need to do:
(1) Don't just suddenly leave without a plan of where to go and what to do, unless you feel you're in danger at home. (If that's the case, then get the police involved.)
(2) You'll need a job. Living costs money. The word for people who move out without a job is "homeless". You may have a hard time finding one with your limited education. Don't be proud; if all you can find is a job washing dishes or cleaning hotel rooms, then that's what you do.
(3) Manage your money. Don't get credit cards or spend on luxuries. For right now, in your situation, anything you can live without is a luxury. Open a bank account, if you haven't already - you don't want to have to keep large quantities of cash with you that could be stolen or lost.
(4) Find support. There will be others in a similar situation to your own, who want to improve their lives after having been through rough times. Find them and be help for each other.
(5) Don't give up. If you move into a place that's not right for you, try a different place.
(6) Don't depend on Ian. It's not his place to save you; that's your responsibility.
Take a deep breath, look reality in the face, and take it on. Best of luck to you.
(P.S. It is not your fault that your sister stopped going to school. It was her decision, not yours, helped along by the fact that she had the same lousy mother that you did.)
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