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long distance not working
i dont know what to do. here's the background info. I've known this amazing guy for a little over 2 years now. i feel in love with him, and he with me. But he kinda left me. Moved 1000+ miles across the usa. lately we havent been that into eachother. our conversations turned from firey to blah. so i didnt sleep last night. instead i wrote this.
I regret every single day I wake up and he’s not next to me.
It’s tearing me apart
I can’t handle it anymore.
He says we’re drifting apart. I couldn’t agree more.
He blames it on his parents. I blame it on me
I’m not with him. But I’m right here waiting for him just as I promised.
My love has never changed.
And it never will
Because he’s my everything and without him I have nothing.
I am nothing
Every second without him is another tear from my eyes.
He realizes he’s killing me. But I don’t think it’s him. It’s me.
I’m killing me.
I pull out his picture and can’t help but wonder what I had.
But it’s my fault we are drifting.
All mine. Cause I’m not there.
He’s constantly on my mind.
Laying here, sweating, with him on my mind,
It’s hard to get to sleep.
“Thoughts of us kept keeping me awake.”
As the clock ticks on, so does my restless mind.
The distance is killer. It’s like a double edged sword.
It cuts you one way, then as your beginning to heal, it turns around and cuts you deeper.
Separation anxiety and depression walk right next to me without ceasing.
And for this I’m hard to love
And I’m sorry for it. Sorry for being to hard to love.
But all I can do is sit here and apologize for what I should be. And what I’m not.
Turn out the lights, turn up the radio and try.
Try to fall asleep but nothing works.
Because he’s not beside me.
He’s the meaning in my life. He’s the inspiration.
No one needs him more than I need him.
Cause without him, I have nothing. I am nothing.
He’s gonna drive me to drinking.
No. better yet. This fuckin’ distance is gonna drive me to drinking.
Seinfeld® can’t even make me smile right now. (and that’s saying a lot)
At times I feel I will never smile again. For the rest of time, this dark cloud will be over me. Consuming me.
“This is my heart bleeding before you. This is me down on my knees.” This is me in tears with mascara and eyeliner streaked down my face. You’ve gotten me this far.
What more do you want?
You’re my addiction. I am so addicted to you.
And without you, I’m a wreck. A mess.
The empty picture frame sits on my mantel.
I wish that I could fill it with a picture of us.
“You taught me to run, you taught me to fly… you opened me eyes, you opened the door… your love is the music of my heart.”
He came along when I needed him the most.
He has loved me through the difficult times.
He has helped me get through the difficult times.
Just knowing that he loved me was enough to keep going.
I thank him for that. Because without him, I don’t think I would still be here today.
But he deserves more.
He deserves a girl he can hold
One that can kiss his lips
A girl tat he can spend time with.
And make memories with.
His teenage years are supposed to be the best.
But being with me, that’s not the case.
If I had to live my life without him in it, my days would all be empty.
Just talking to him used to brighten my day.
Now, it turns them all to black and white.
Without him, I wouldn’t be here today.
He tells me not to say it. But it’s so true.
I know I wouldn’t have a life without him.
And I love him for that. And about a million other things.
Nothing’s gonna change my love for him. I have always loved him. And always will.
He’s a piece of me.
No. he’s all of me.
If he ever completely leaves me I won’t be able to live.
Won’t be able to breathe.
My heart won’t beat. It’ll be in a million pieces on the floor.
I told myself that he was the one.
The one that could fix my broken heart. And tape it back together.
But if he gives up, so will I.
All I have is memories of him.
I told him that I cherished every moment we spent together.
That was no lie.
Walkin’ the halls of that hotel for a week, together. Walking down to the pool, together. 3 meals a day, for a week, together.
Those memories of him are the only thing that I have. “those endless summer nights”
Sunscreen and chlorine.
Miniskirts and tank tops.
The parting kiss behind the church.
That was the best week of my life. “And I couldn’t ask for more”
It seems that it’s been forever that he’s been gone.
It’s been a little over 200 days since I last saw his gorgeous face.
2 years since he left.
I miss him every second he’s gone.
But how the hell did we wind up like this?
Who’s to blame?
We are drifting apart uncontrollably.
But whose fault is it?
If I was there, this wouldn’t have happened.
“some day, somehow, I’m gonna make it alright…”
But right now, I can’t.
There is nothing I can do.
Not a single damn thing.
He’s there, I’m here. And there’s nothing I can do
Except tell him that I love him. But he knows that.
He knows that I love him.
As long as the sun shines I’ll love him.
“you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone.”
And I couldn’t agree more.
Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’m sick of crying.
Crying because I miss him so much.
The 1,000+ miles is killer.
Serial.
But I don’t want to let him go. Cause what if he’s the one?
I’ve tried to get over him before.
It didn’t work.
I CAN’T GET HIM OUTTA MY MIND!
As the saying goes, then maybe he’s supposed to be there.
Is he the one?
The one I can trust to pick my shattered heart off the ground, dust it off and put it back together?
I know he is.
I know he is the one.
I know he is different than all the others.
I’ve tried so hard to mend this relationship.
“I’ve tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end it doesn’t even matter.”
But no matter what I do, I can’t fix this relationship.
It’s all my fault, but I can’t fix it.
I miss how we used to be.
Miss the love that we had.
The fire in his eyes.
The passion in his voice.
I miss him.
But “I’ve gotta take a little time. A little time to think it over”.
Cause I don’t want to get hurt again.
There has been so much heartache in my life that I can’t take it again.
I want to be able to say that he’s the one.
But I’m not sure.
No. scratch that.
I know he’s the one.
The one I should spend my life with.
But we are separated.
Separated by land or lack of contact? Or both?
They say that love will find a way. That it can break through anything.
But I’m not so sure.
I’m off his top 8,
He’s off mine.
Drifting.
Farther and farther apart.
Figured writing all this shit down would help me.
Help me to get it all off my mind and fall asleep.
Give me peace of mind. At least for one second.
I have 2 hours until the alarm goes off.
2 hours until I have to get up.
“Just remember I love you and it’ll be all right”
I hope.
so what do you think i should do?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
if ya'll really care about eachother, then ya'll can make it work! i am currently going through a similar situation...this guy and i had been best friends and even a little more for 2 years, but then I moved over 800+ miles away. we didn't talk much for a whole year and a half. not long ago, i went back where i was from and i saw him and we picked things up. he said that he loved me and wanted me to stay and how he wished we could be together but in reality, right now, it's just not possible. since then it's like it was before...not much talking and definately no seeing eachother...but it does make it exciting the next time you're with them because you have everything to talk about because it's all catching up, and since you've been away for a while, there's even more making up :)
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DONT give up if your truely in love with this person then a little thing like distance is nothing.
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Wow it's obvious that your in love with this guy and you dont want to let him go. Maybe you could go visit him once in a while. Try to "spice up" your conversations a little bit. Tell him how much you love him.
redhead6154 <3
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Wow, what a long piece of prose! I hope that you are feeling a whole lot better getting that off your chest.
Unfortunately, I feel that after 2 years this is a bit of a hopeless case for you. I don't mean to sound harsh but perhaps you should be getting over him now. I know that you talk together but that is not quite the same as talking face-to-face.
If you haven't seen him at all in the 2 years then perhaps it is time to start meeting other boys. It is never easy getting over that first true love, but you can eventually. It will always hurt a little that he went away and left you but you need someone in your life all the time and to kiss and cuddle them. They need to be there for you so that you can snuggle into their arms when you are feeling low. Conversations on email or the phone can't give you that sense of security.
Staying friends with him is great but you need to be with someone you can love. Keep writing poetry if you find it helps. I wish you all the best for the future.
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