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best friend love
Hi sedona,
i first just want to let you know that i browsed several columnists and yours was the most helpful looking and I really liked your answers to the other questions... so keep up the amazing work! :D
but onto my problem. i'm a 14 female, and my best friend (also female) told me yesterday that she loves me. not like ah i love you! but her exact words were "i have somethng really, really hard to tell you and I understand if you don't want to hang out with me after this. i like you. its more than that. i LOVE you. i've been trying to push it down for a while because you're not a guy, but i can't help that you're the most amazing person i've ever met." i don't know what to do. because i don't think differently of her and of course i still want to be her best friend which i told her... and i'm very open minded about sexual orientation... but i'm not in love with her. i love her, but just in the sense that she's changed my life and i couldn't live without her. not in a romantic way. i'm not sure what to do now, especially because (and here's where it gets confusing) i don't think she's really bisexual or lesbian or whatever... i know that makes no sense but you know how some people say sexual orientatoin is a spectrum and some people are totally straight or totally gay and anywhere in between? well, i don't think she lays very high on the spectrum.. and yet she likes me... but, well, i'm just very confused. anything i could say or do about this would be a HUGE help. thanks so much.
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Best Friend Love,
This is a tough issue. Problem you are facing is: you want to remain honest and also honor your friendship. I sense that you are very wise in understanding the whole gay and lesbian perspective. I have found that all too often people get caught up in the labeling instead of their truth. Love does not have gender barriers.
I think when handling this situation, it might help to look at gender not being an issue for just the moment. Look at it as a friend fell in love with a friend. If this was a guy friend how would you handle it? Granted that situation can be a bit sticky too, but not having the complication of the same gender makes it a little easier. I would suggest you communicate to her that you respect her for being honest and open and in turn you want to do the same in being honest and open about your feelings. If this is a friendship you want to continue, it is important that she knows that you have made no judgments concerning the way she feels. Sometimes, as with any friendship with male or female, when this issue happens, it can change the whole level of friendship. Know that this is out of your control...if you communicate to her while you are honoring you and her...it is up to her to deal with what Life is offering her. You can be supportive if she needs further understanding. There could be a hundred reasons why she has fallen in love with you and that's not even including the sexual orientation. She may be at a pivotal time in her life where she may want to start exploring other options, if that is the case...this opportunity may help her on her journey of self discovery. Love has so many layers...it is not possible at a young age to fully understand all those layers...you have to experience them first. Heck, most of us as adults don't know all the layers...but through losing and experience a love...we start to get a better picture. This may be a growing moment for you both. She allowed herself to be vulnerable to you, just speak with honesty and love (on a caring level) and if she feels hurt or confused you might want to suggest someone for her to talk to. Just make sure you realize that you are NOT responsible for her feelings or her actions. You are responsible for yours. Your friendship may change…but if your friendship is meant to stand the test of time...you might be even better friends because you both could honor and respect one another under a uncomfortable circumstance.
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