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Male Friend. We are both Married
I'm a white female in my 40s, have been married for 13 years. I have two childred from a previous marriage, and one with my husband now. I have several close friends of both sexes, and all races and ethnic backgrounds. My husband and I have a very trusting relationship without jelousy. I can talk to my male friends on the phone, meet them for lunch, a walk in the park, or go fishing with or without my husband. My husband treats all my friends with respect, as I do his. They are all good people in his book.
One particular hispanic male friend of mine got married a year after I did. I consider us great friends, we have a lot in common. However, his wife is a big pain...she would not approve of our friendship, I have tried to include both my friend and his wife in plans with my husband and myself, but he refuses to ask her due to how she acts. I don't want to create problems. He calls me all the time (from work) but because of her I have considered calling of the friendship. I don't want to be stalked by a crazy jealous woman, and to to tell you the truth from things he has told me I am quite intimidated.
He means so much to me, and our bond is like brother-sister, but I honestly want him to be open and relaxed with our friendship. I don't want to hide from her.
So my choices are to ignore him, and tell him it's for his own good. Or to continue being friends behind her back. He says he knows he is not doing anything wrong, and wants to continue the friendship, but I am worried because of her. Any advice for me?
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Married friends,
I know that this situation is bringing a lot of stress into your life. I want to offer another perspective that might help. Your friend needs to do the honorable thing and stand up for what is important to him. He chose his wife and so he is responsible for the outcome of whatever he does concerning her. Unfortunately, his lack of courage to communicate his needs are spilling on to you...now in turn you have un-needed stress that shouldn’t even be about you. His wife’s anger may be even more inflamed because of his dishonesty and therefore when people don’t rationally put things in check…they want to blame. So you in a sense are a scapegoat for their deficiencies in their marriage. I think it would be wise to set boundaries with your friend…give him a chance to do what your heart knows is the right thing to do. Don’t let fear guide your decisions…trust your intuition and you will respect and honor yourself. If he can’t step up to the plate to fix the problems he is having in the marriage, then maybe your friendship should be at a rest for awhile…sometimes when there are problems in a person’s life…they will look for distractions instead of fixing the problem. I know from a personal level…you don’t want to be the distraction…because eventually you become the problem even though technically you never did anything wrong. Sometimes a storm needs to occur to get the rainbow…if he is just playing hide and seek to avoid the problem with his wife…I can guarantee…the problem will keep arising, maybe in other forms…but it will be there…I would hate to see you get caught up in the drama. Life may be wanting to teach him something and sometimes you have to step out of the way and support him on the right thing. I am not saying to quit the friendship…I am saying to clearly communicate your boundaries that will best honor all that encompasses you. If you give him some time…that may be the best thing a friend can do…he can finally figure out what is truly important to him and he can fix the fire at home.
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Having been in a similar situation(me being in the position of your male friend), I can understand this very much and just how frustrating it is. It is just if not more aggravating for him.
I can see him not wanting to open up the flood gates. It will put plenty of strain on the marriage. But the fact that she controls his friendships is quite sad.
After struggling myself to keep hiding it, I finally just layed everything down on the line for the man I was with. I explained to him just how strong my bond was with my friend, and that I would continue with the friendship, whether he liked it or not. Oh yes, it put plenty of strain on us...But it was something I needed, wanted, and fought for(I never should have had to in the first place, but such is life).
I can understand your concerns. However, it is high time your friend says something to her. This tip-toeing around and what not isn't doing anything good. And aside from that, she quite obviously has a tight grip on him that will only get TIGHTER if he doesn't put his foot down NOW.
If he will not do it, then I would forget it. It's not worth some crazy woman possibly stalking and harassing you.
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