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dadless
i'm going to be 19 soon and so far i've had a lot of life experience, but about 10 years ago my parents got divorced which i understand happens my dad was an alcoholic and my mother didn't think that i was a good environment for me and my brothers to be raised in. for about two years me and my brothers would spend every other weekend with him, but once i started middle school and started hanging out with a lot of friends i didn't go see him as much because i'd be busy...on my 14th birthday i waited all day for him to call me, i checked the mail everyday for a week for a card and i got nothing. it really bummed me out, i asked my mom when the next time i'd get to go to his house to see him and after she called him to find out when we would get to see him, he said that he couldn't for a while because of work, i didn't see or hear from him for two years after that. then on my sweet 16 i went to dinner with my grandmother and my then boyfriend, i was talking to her about the job that i wanted when my old bf asked about my dad, i don't think that my grandmother was thinking when she said this but she accidently slipped out that before i was born that my father wanted my mother to abort me when he knew that it was going to be a girl, after that i just broke down i spent two weeks without talking to anyone, i tried to stop thinking about it, it got toward the end of high school and i was preping for my graduation, without telling me, my older brother sent my dad an invite to the graduation ceremony. i started to panic while i was waiting to walk because i was afraid that he wasn't going to show i even started crying until i saw him walking down the hall towards me, HE SHOWED, i thought "oh well he wants to be in my life again" after he left to go back home (he lives two hours away) i stopped hearing from him again, it really sucks because i get really jealous of all my friends because i'm the only person in my whole circle of friends who's parents aren't together, i have maybe one friend who's parents aren't together but he still sees them both, why would a parent just abandon his kids like that? i have to spend three weeks in the same town that he lives in to do training for work and i leave for there on my birthday, i'm really afraid that if i see him he'll just act like everything's ok or even ignor me completely, is it just that he doesn't care about me or could it be something else? i know he doesn't have a job right now because he's been dating this stupid bitch of a woman since my parent's split and she hates me and my brothers so it's hard to tell if it's him or her that's stopping the connection HELP!
shay
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must have been particularly hard the last few years to cope with a Father who is so distant from you.
I know that you desperately want a Father figure in your life but it seems that he just isn't prepared for Fatherhood at this point. It may be that initially the alcoholism kept him away and since then it has been shame or fear of rejection. The fact that he came to your Graduation would suggest to me that he is interested in your achievements and so on but that there is something stopping him from being there as much as he should be. Unfortunately, I can't say for sure what this is.
Personally, I really think it might be a good idea to confront him about this. Ask him to meet you for lunch or dinner and ask him staight out "Why have you never been there for me?" You should be able to get some straight answers. However, if you decide to do this, you hve to be ready to cope with any answer you might get. Whether it is simply that he was too ashamed to see you after some time had passed or whether it was just he didn't want anything to do with his children.
Whatever happens, Shay, please try not to dwell on this too much. I know it hurts so badly sometimes but some people just aren't cut out to be good parents. You have every right to be upset and feel as though you have missed out on something but the alternative would have been being raised by an alcoholic Father, which would most probably have been worse.
If you think you are ready, try to talk to him about it because it is the only way you will get real answers and be able to set your mind at rest. After this point, try to accept that you might be better off without this man in your life and try to get on with your life. He may not be there for you as you would like but there are plenty of people who love you and care about you and that is what you need to focus on.
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If it is the bitch of a woman stopping him from seeing you, he's a weak man. That could well be part of the problem.
He may not have been ready for fatherhood way back when. That happens to a lot of young guys. I wouldn't take the abortion thing to much to heart. Many times people regret thoughts they may have had. That to could be part of his problem. Guilt.
Then there is the alcoholic guilt. Does he still drink? If not, he missed a lot of your life and he knows it.
He came to your graduation so I would say he cares. He may just not know how to express that.
He lives 2 hours away. Time does have a way of getting away from a person. You don't see them for a couple of weeks and its easy to get get so wrapped up in things that months pass by before you know it. That may be what happens with him. Pile on some more guilt!
I think it would be really great...though also very hard, for you to take him out for coffee or dinner (no girlfriend allowed), and talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, find out how he feels. Clear the air and see whats there.
He has never been much of a father to you. That doesn't mean you can't have some kind of relationship now that you are an adult. He may find it easier to talk to you now than he did when you were a child.
Call him up. See what you can do about meeting him while you are in his neck of the woods. Tell him you just want some father daughter time alone with him.
I hope you can work something out and get some of your questions answered. Good luck to you. :)
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