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bdsm fanatsies
Hi,
I realise that this question is a controversial one for a website which caters 90% to teens, but I could use the perspective of a "sexpert" so here goes.
Until recently, I was in a somewhat uncertain relationship with a man more than 20 years my senior(I am 22/f). The relationship was never that good-I never got from him the sense of comfort and security I would have liked. The sex was on the other hand electric, and we had one particular taste in common-we both liked BDSM. Indeed, what had initially drawn us together was a discussion of Mary Gaitskill, the author whose short story "Secretary" was made into a film of the same name, starring James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal. While our sexual roles varied , he was mostly the dom while I was mostly the sub. That wasn't a problem, as long as it was kept in the bedroom, which it wasn't always- he had a nasty habit of allowing a domineering and even sadistic way of talking colour his everyday conversations. As he once said "whips and masks are just the trappings of Sadomasochism".
My "problem" is now that I cannot envisage being turned on by any other kind of sex, or even any other partner(when I masturbate, he is the only male partner I think about-I sometimes fantasise about women-still within the framework of bdsm).
My question to you is whether, in your experience,S and M is ever part of a healthy relationship or whether its presence in the bedroom always indicates trouble in other areas of life. In other words, is there such a thing as true compmentarlization? Thank you.
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Thank you for the question.
In my experience, there have been many instances of S&M being a very healthy sexual exploration in a relationship. Some people live in "the lifestyle" very happily for their entire adult lives, and are able to have "vanilla" lives to the outside world.
Yes, I have seem true compartmentalization of these tendencies. There is nothing wrong with your want to continue this type of sexual pleasure, either. Just because your relationship ended doesn't mean that you shouldn't pursue what turns you on. Masturbating to those roleplays is perfectly normal.
However, for some people, what turns them on ebbs and flows, depending on their phase or time in life. What turns you on now may not turn you on a year from now. However, you are a young, single female...why not explore these feelings? I am not an advocate of casual sex, but finding out where your true pleasure and passion lies is not a one-time/one-relationship deal. Explore, experiment, read up on S&M lifestyle ("Come Hither" is a great read!), and see if it IS just a phase. If not, then you know what to pursue in your future sexual relationships.
Also, know that going back to "vanilla" sex with someone you find that you truly love is also common in the lifestyle. You have your options wide open to you...don't feel trapped by what turns you on!
If you need any resources or guidance, please feel free to send me a mail. Good luck in your pursuit of pleasure! :)
Marissa
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