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molestation? its long, but please help.
I dont know what's wrong with me. To start off, all my life I've had this majorly bad anxiety problem. When I was around 2-3 years old, I stopped speaking to my dad completely. Looking back on it, I assumed it was because he had a bad temper, and I was just afraid...because after I stopped talking to him and he realized that I stopped talking to ONLY him, he threw me against a wall and shook me and screamed at me .. I dont know. Thats all I know. I have a mom, 2 sisters, and 2 brothers, all older than me. Everybody in my family knows what happened, but I dont remember what happened. I only remember up to the part where he picked me up and started shaking me. And its like I blocked out the rest of it or something... because I cant remember it at all.. and I know I was young but how come I remembered everything up to that point? It's like I blocked out the most traumatizing part... and i dont know why...
But after all that happened it took awhile for me to start speaking to my dad again, I went to counseling... my parents tried to use sympathy, bribary, forcefullness.. just to get me to speak to him, but nothing worked...and I was only a little kid...but then it started progressing. I started to be silent around not only my dad, but my entire dad's side of the family. Within a year or two, I began to speak to my dad again... but I still was silent with my dad's side of the family, and then I slowly started to stop talking to my mom's side of relatives...
Well, this problem still effects me today. I'm so quiet. With my friends it will take me a while to warm up, and with new people its difficult to get words out. I'm doing so much better, especially with people outside my family... but its still hard to live with.
so.. to get to the point...I'm 16 now... and what happened still affects me, even if I dont remember it. It's like I know exactly what happened but I'm blind to it. I cant explain it. I'll be distant from people. I talk okay to my dad now, everything is completely average in my home life. My dad's worked on his temper so everythings good. But yesterday at easter dinner at my grandmothers I was thinking about something. I'm still SO silent around that side of the family. I'll joke and laugh with them at times... but when it comes to my uncle on my dad's side, he kinda scares me, and i dont know why. He gets really close... and its not like my other uncles on my moms side who laugh and joke around with me. My dad's brother is just really strange...he'll hug me... but not normally... and he wont let go, and he'll hold me and play with my hair if he's standing behind me... so today after all these years of noticing this, I got up the courage and talked to my oldest sister about it all. She said she feels the same way around him and she wishes she could remember if something happened, and she told me that my other sister has said something about it before too. I asked her if anything had ever happened to them with him and she seemed hesitant... but she's like "i really cant remember..." and it felt weird because ... I don't know if something happened between me and my uncle. All my life I've been terrified of older men. That's one reason why I wonder. Another reason is why I went through years without talking... why I isolated myself from everyone but my mom, my brothers, and my sisters for the longest time... and that can't just be because of my father. Something had to have happened to make me stop talking to my dad's entire side of the family. Also, I never used to be silent around my dad's side...I used to talk non stop, like any other kid would. Then I just stopped. No one knew why... and I still don't know to this day why.
I have a boyfriend too, of course I was a little hesitant when we started to do sexual things. We've never had sex before but we've been together for almost a year on and off, and he still hasn't got me to orgasm. Im wondering. If I was molested when I was younger...[which im still trying to figure out] is it possible that me not orgasming with my boyfriend has something to do with that? I can orgasm fine on my own, but whenever I'm with him it doesnt work... we've tried.. and tried... and nothing works. Even if I blocked out what happened, do you think being molested would still affect me like this? EVen if I couldnt remember anything at all? I know something happened to me when I was younger... and its more than my dad throwing me against a wall. Its affecting me... and i blocked it out, just like I blocked it out when my dad beat me. I cant explain it.. I just know theres something about my past I dont know.
So please.. someone help if you have any information.
Is there any possible way I could have blocked it out?
Also, is there any way it can have an effect on my sexual life, since I havent orgasmed? He told me he got all his ex's off before...so its not him whose the problem... its me. Whats wrong with me?
im sorry this was so long.
ill rate. ill do anything. please just help me with this all.
also...
another thing i forgot to add that I think may be important... the more attention my family gave me for the way i was acting, the more I shut myself away. It's like attention was my fear, attention is what turned me away from people most of all..
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