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my madre
f/14
lately i haven't been getting along with my mom at all, which really sucks because ever sinse i was young we've had a good relationship. it seems like she really babies my oldest brother who is 25 and i think it's because she doesn't want him to move out. i get so angry and frusterated and i don't know how to deal with how mad i get. my dad agrees that she babies them, but i think he thinks i overreact too. also, she wants me to stay home more often which i don't want too because we don't get along and i want to do stuff with my friends. how do i talk to her with out getting in fights? how do i deal with how angry i get?
helppp pleaseee
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Deciding to get control of your anger — rather than letting it control you — means first taking a good hard look at the ways you’ve been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?
It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes time, practice, and patience. It won’t happen all at once. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skill, like playing basketball or learning the piano, it helps to practice over and over again.
The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger
If something happens that makes you feel angry (like not being allowed to go to a party until you clean your room), this approach can help you manage your reaction. Your mom has just told you to clean your room or stay home. You really want to go to that party. The red-hot anger starts building. Here’s what to do:
1) Tune in to your feelings (self-awareness). Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into words what’s making you upset so you can act rather than react.
Ask yourself: What’s got me angry? What am I feeling and why? You can do this either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and specific. For example: “I’m really angry at Mom because she won’t let me go to the party until I clean my room. It’s not fair!” Your feeling is anger, and you're feeling angry because you might not get to go to the party.
Notice that this is not the same as saying, “Mom’s so unfair to me.” That statement doesn’t identify the specific problem (that you can’t go to the party until you clean your room) and it doesn't say how you’re feeling (angry).
2) Stop and think (self-control). This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It’s also where you start thinking of how you might react — but without reacting yet.
Ask yourself: What can I do? Think of at least three things. For example, in this situation you might think:
(a) I could yell at Mom and throw a fit.
(b) I could clean my room and then ask if I could go to the party.
(c) I could sneak out to the party anyway.
3) Consider your options (think it through). This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.
Ask yourself: What will happen for each one of these options? For example:
(a) Yelling at your mom may get you in worse trouble or even grounded.
(b) Cleaning your room takes work and you may get to the party late (but hey, arriving late may add to your mystique). With this option, you get to go to the party and your room's clean so you don't have to worry about it for a while.
(c) Sneaking out may seem like a real option in the heat of anger. But when you really think it through, it’s pretty unlikely you’d get away with being gone for hours with no one noticing. And when you do get caught — look out!
4) Make a decision (pick one of your options). This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.
Ask yourself: What’s my best choice? By the time you’ve thought it through, you’re probably past yelling at your mom, which is a knee-jerk response. You may have also decided that sneaking out is too risky. Neither of these options is likely to get you to the party. So option (b) probably seems like the best choice.
Once you choose your solution, then it’s time to act.
5) Check your progress. After you’ve acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.
Ask yourself: How did I do? Did things work out as I expected? If not, why not? Am I satisfied with the choice I made? Taking some time to reflect on how things worked out after it’s all over is a very important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different situations.
Give yourself a pat on the back if the solution you chose worked out well. If it didn’t, go back through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.
Try these things even if you’re not mad right now to help prevent angry feelings from building up inside.
Exercise. Go for a walk/run, work out, or go play a sport.
Listen to music (with your headphones on). Music has also been shown to change a person’s mood pretty quickly. And if you dance, then you're exercising and it’s a two-for-one.
Write down your thoughts and emotions. You can write things in lots of ways; for example, in a journal or as your own poetry or song lyrics. After you’ve written it down, you can keep it or throw it away — it doesn’t matter. The important thing is, writing down your thoughts and feelings can improve how you feel. When you notice, label, and release feelings as they show up in smaller portions, they don’t have a chance to build up inside.
Draw. Scribbling, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings might help too.
Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you do it regularly, as it's more of an overall stress management technique that can help you use self-control when you're mad. If you do this regularly, you’ll find that anger is less likely to build up.
Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times there are other emotions, such as fear or sadness, beneath anger. Talking about them can help.
Distract yourself. If you find yourself stewing about something and just can’t seem to let go, it can help to do something that will get your mind past what's bugging you — watch TV, read, or go to the movies.
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