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older love yet again
Dear Old One-You must be getting incredibly fed up with this problem by now, but I'm going to plauge you yet again.
I'll refresh you on the details-me 22, him, 47. So he gets deported back to NYC-(I live in Britain). About a month and a half ago, I emailed him, he didn't reply. I'd given up hope of ever hearing from him again. Then tonight, he calls me, saying to drop him a line. Meantime, I've been reading "The Rules" and other such questionable sources, which say I should wait a few days. Which is fine by me......I could wait forever, I'm not that hung up on him anymore(well, I am a bit but I'm very wary). He says that the last couple of months have been hectic, but he's now back in a job and with a new house. He said nothing more than that, as I had to cut the call off to go and have dinner. What , if anything, should I read into his behaviour? He has never said he loves me, never tried to commit, yet has never quite let me drop either. 90% of me knows that I have my own life here and that's cool, it's what I like. But I would like to explore new horizons, and a visit to NYC would be right up my street(not that he's suggested anything of the sort- as I say, I have no idea what his intentions are). I now know that the relationship with his ex is null and void, so he could be looking around for someone new. We are in many ways well suited, but I don't like the feeling of his always being in control. Just slowly, I have started to take a bit more control of the relationship, which can only be good for both of us.
Basically, Old One, I am asking if you think that old habits die hard, or whether there is for Joe and me potential for growth. He was abused as a child, and has trust issues-also a history of realtionships where he has either inflicted damage or been damaged himself. I suppose it would be stupidly arrogant to suppose that it would be any different with me.......
Sorry , I ramble. Any ideas of yours are as ever much appreciated.
Take care, and I hope all is well with you and your family,
Lucretia xx.
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Lucretia, I just wanted to let you know that I am NOT ignoring this question, and I WILL give you an answer. Your questions always take extra thought for me, so it takes me longer.
And I absolutely am NOT tired of hearing about your issue. I'm just glad that you feel my advice is worth asking for.
Oh, heck. Let me start now.
"I am asking if you think that old habits die hard..."
VERY hard. And don't make the mistake of thinking that you're over him, or mostly so. Love is treacherous; it will hit you in the heart like a sledgehammer at the worst time, and you'll find yourself making every mistake that you swore you'd never make again.
Actually, that's not necessarily a bad thing if the person you love...loves you back. But I don't think he does. He sounds like a remarkably charming fellow, but so far everything you've told me about him makes it a virtual certainty that he's simply stringing you along. He doesn't love you. To be brutally honest, at this point I have to wonder if he's CAPABLE of love, apart from self-love.
It must be wonderful for his ego to keep a lovely young woman on a string!
"...or whether there is for Joe and me potential for growth."
Again I must hurt you, and I'm sorry. But the answer is "Almost certainly not." Miracles can happen, I suppose, but it's never wise to count on them. And in this case, even if that one-in-a-million shot happened, I don't think it would be worth the pain you've gone through, and will go through.
He doesn't value you enough, and he doesn't deserve you. Your relationship with him is unbalanced; you love him, but he doesn't love you. For your own self-protection you need to cut him out of your life. Continue your healing process - which, by the way, he's been impeding with continued contacts - and let your heart recover.
There's some lucky young man out there waiting for you, if you can just extract your heart from Joe's grasp.
"He was abused as a child, and has trust issues-also a history of realtionships where he has either inflicted damage or been damaged himself."
It pretty much spells it all out, doesn't it? I'm sorry, because I know how hard this is for you; I HAVE been there, honestly.
But for your own sake, you need to let him go.
Please write or email me whenever you want to.
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