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Am I getting "sick"?
I've always been a little chubby. Not fat, but just kind of some chubbiness on my stomach and thighs, etc. In the beginning, I was 14 years old and I weighed 136 pounds, and I'm 5'2. Ever since November, however, I've been determined to lose weight. I don't know what inspired me to do it, but I believe it was basically because I wasn't happy about my body and how it looked, and especially since in gym we have to wear our bathing suits, and I didn't want to be that self conscious.
Now it's almost been 5 months. I'm 123/124 pounds and turning 15 in a week. The change is really noticeable. The thing is, though, that my mom believes I'm close to having a problem. It's just that I count my calories VERY accurately and workout as much as I can. If I go over 2000 cals I'll hate myself for it. I write everything I eat down and how much calories they are, including beverages. If we go out to eat, I have to count the calories of my possible order beforehand or I'll stick to a basic soup and salad meal. It's not that I don't eat anything; I do--including candy, ice cream, etc. It's just that I have to know how many calories are in each specific meal.
Not only that, but if my weight goes up to 126 (since sometimes it tends to shift back and forth) I cry. I feel like all my hard work had been put to waste and I'm gaining it all back.
Since I do a lot of running, a lot of weight has been dropped from throughout my body, including my face. Recently, my aunt, who came with us to a restaurant, asked my mom if i was sick because I looked like I was losing a lot of weight, especially in my face. After that, my mom has been really concerned with me and trying to stop me from working out, even telling me that my face is beginning to look "haggard" and my face doesn't look good when it's skinny. Even though I won't stop -- I still look at myself from time to time and think to myself, "Do I really have a problem? Am I really sick?" My friends think I look amazing. They think the change in me is great. But that doesn't concern me at all. It's what my family thinks.
What do you guys think? Is there a problem here I should be aware about? Thanks in advance and sorry for the longness of it all.
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Working to become healthy and fit is great, but it does sound like you've taken focus across the line to obsession.
This is basically what you've told us...
1. You worry constantly about food and your weight
2. You become depressed if you gain any weight back
3. You have low self-esteem
Aside from talking to a counsellor, I suggest trying to wean yourself off the calorie counting. As much as people are obsessed today with calories, the important thing is not the number but the balance of how you get them. Once you aim to just eat healthier rather than keeping under a certain weight or calorie amount (which might just be unreasonable for you), the stress you'll have freed yourself from will make you feel better both emotionally and physically.
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Your thoughts and consumptions about this obsession will become the way you are. As seeing as your thoughts are determined to be thin unhealthy manner you will eventually fall into an eating disorder if you dont get help. Your change is great because it can mean your becomming healthier, but then again your friends may not know how your doing it, and its unhealthy! To spend time and calculate everything you eat will eventually eat you up, to obsess over this is unhealhy, it will soon consume your life if you dotn get help. Also knowing that being super thin will not fix your problems in life, it will not make you a better person. You are beautiful as you are and you need to leanr to accept that. Letting these thoughts control you you are then letting the devil come into your life and control you, the devil fills our minds with every nagging and evil thought and to destroy your body like this you are destroying the body God gave you which falls into satans hands because he wants you to sin against God. Think about this, be healthy, its okay to lose weight but not in a obsessive manner. It will drive you wild, you can email me at cornblade@cs.com, i have been through 4 years of an eating disorder and finally broke free, i can tell you how if you email me and help you out. Love much.
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I have to agree with your mom. If I'm not mistaken, you're already in your healthy weight range so you don't need to be losing weight. If people are saying you look sick or haggard, then that would signal that something is wrong. Combined with the fact that you count calories before deciding what to eat and cry when your weight has a natural fluctuation, it sounds like you're getting close to an eating disorder.
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