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in love with two, possible? whom to choose?
i'm an embodiment of confusion.
can you be in love with two people at the same time?
i'm so freakin confused, and so damn upset that i just have to be very open here, because i need help..
almost two years ago i got into.. what's it called.. "paper marriage"? or a "marriage contract" or something like that, that i'm "half married", means I’m not living with him yet. yes it happens in some of the muslim countries. i've known my "husband" for 6 years now. he was the one who fell in love with me, i said "yes" for some very stupid reasons, firstly i came to my country after a long time and was not used to the society here, i was living in saudi arabia, and i totally freaked out when he would tell me stuff like "i'll keep following you till you say yes to my proposal..." yeah it was kinda romantic, especially when you're 18 it is. actually judging him objectively i had no reason to say no, he's VERY handsome, we have the same profession now, he's VERY nice in EVERY way, a WONDERFUL guy, kinda guy a girl would dream of having as her life partner. BUT... we have very basic cultural differences, for one thing, secondly, there have been incidences where... i feel... some very basic elements of his personality have shown, which bother me. my basic needs happen to be "deep intellectual, open minded conversations and an awesome brain with a very high IQ". sex and all is secondary for me. i'm very romantic by nature, quite impulsive, restless, and usually so nervous i'm almost neurotic. he's not understanding at all, he has very shallow thinking, he shuts his eyes and ears to questions regarding religion etc.. he's not all that intelligent, though very hard working.. something which i really appreciate. there's not the slightest hint of "philosophy" in his mind and he thinks it's all crap. and he has caused me a LOT of pain many times... things which i can't forget because they really matter to me, they weren't just fights... i recently made a new "friend", (yes i do have guy friends...), this one is DAMN SMART, really, a very bright guy, he's hindu.. he's VERY open minded, he NEVER "tells" me what to do and what not to, he treats me like a "human being", like a "person" before like a woman (which means he gives value to my opinion and doesn't make my ideas a matter of his ego), and we are similar in so many of our weird ways. (by the way, not that i'm trying to act or trying to show off or to praise my own self here, but for some strange reason every person who has ever gotten to know me in my life has told me i'm "different" from other girls.. i think they mean other girls in my society.. don't know.. whatever.. but this other guys says that too.. and i'm so much like HIM that he has fallen in love with me).. the problem is, that i feel "love" for this guy, but also for my husband because we have spent some wonderful times together, and he was the first man in my life, my first love, i lost my virginity to him, and 6 years is a long time.
i NEED someone to tell me, whom i should be with now... i know this sounds stupid, but really i'm so freakin confused, both love me so much, both tell me they would do ANYTHING just to be with me, i love this new guy a lot, can't see him upset, we do have little fights but i love the way he handles them, he's very intelligent and can actually almost read my mind every time. but sometimes i get so depressed thinking about my husband, i've been telling him in the past that we're not made for each other, and it's ok, he can have his time to decide for himself. i think my being "different" is what makes him want me like he does, otherwise he doesn't like anything about me, i'm not religious at all, he hates that, i come from a differnet background, a different culture (of which he knew when he proposed to me and i reminded him again and again to THINK about his decision because it doesn't matter to me where he comes from but to HIM it might) and he's suddenly realizing that he hates my culture (i speak urdu, he speaks pashto etc) though he tries his best to accept me as i am, but he can't, the matter keeps popping up, he thinks MY culture is not honorable like his.. on top of all that, he denies that he hates these things about me, but his actions speak otherwise..........
WHAT DO I DO!!!
my apologies for this being tooooo long.. but i don't know what the heck to do.... i have noone to talk to about this, noone whom i can ask for advice..
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I am not sure that I understand the idea of "half marriage" but it sounds to me reading your question that you would really be happier with your new love. Your husband slowly realizing that he hates most things about you and thinking that your culture is beneath his will be an awful thing to have to deal with.
6 years IS a long time, but it could end up being 20 years with him not stimulating you mentally and respecting your ideas and thoughts and background. That, is what you said is MOST important to you. Your half husband doesn't respect or help you expand your ideas.
You sound like you would be much happier with the other guy and you know this already, you are just looking to validate your decision to be strong enough to break away from your half husband.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the messier it will become. But, you need to do it.
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I'm an American and one of my best friends for 15 years is a Muslim man. He and I had a relationship for 5 years and to top it off I am 16 years older than he. We love each other dearly and when he goes home (Morocco) he always brings me presents and he periodically sends me money for no reason. He's told his family that I am a member of the family and always will be. We have such a respect for each other. He is forever calling me on the phone and asking my advice on things, he respects my opinion and says I have a special insight. He now lives in Chicago and I live in Atlanta. Arabic people are so very giving and loving people which is something I wish Americans could understand. I tell you all of this because we can't be together in the romantic sense. The reason we broke up had nothing to do with our difference in age and everything to do with our cultural differences. We have a closeness we will never have with other people, but there are some major cultural differences. Something I have noticed about the fundamentalist Muslim culture (just like fundamentalist Christians) is that they are very decided on how things are supposed to be. Within this framework they put women in subservient role. My friend, for the most part is very Americanized, yet, his opinion on what a woman's place in society is decided and admittedly he is more open minded than most Muslims. The reason I tell you all of this is because I wish to show you that I may have some understanding of which you are going through. You say that you noticed some aspects of his personality that you don't appreciate. Well I'm here to tell you that if you make this marriage permanent you will find that it will be multiplied by 10,000. He wants to save you. He thinks that the minute you become permanently his wife he will be able to dominate you as is his custom and control your every move. In some Muslim homes the woman is never allowed to leave the home, has her own wing, and is basically there solely to serve her husband. I'm not saying that this man will be like that...but it sounds to me like he will be stifling. Eventually an arrangement like this will probably end up were you will hate and not love this man. My advice here is that if you can't get him to relax about who you are and how you wish to express yourself it will not be a healthy relationship. I do know that in Muslim countries you can get a divorce. You can cancel that binding piece of paper. A Muslim man in Muslim countries can just throw a woman out of the house or even murder her if she disgraces him. That is pretty scary to me. This man doesn't sound like he truly loves you. The reason I feel this way is that he wants to change who you are. That is not love.
I happen to be a combination of Christianity and Hindu. I study the teachings of a great master and his name is Paramahansa Yogananda. Your Hindu friend may even know of him since he has his own postage stamp in India. Anyway, to me he sounds like someone who will allow you to grow and be the individual that you feel most comfortable being. I'll bet that you don't even have to convert to his belief system. He will respect your choices here too. This man is more accepting of you and you connect intellectually where you don't with your husband. I don't see the dilemma, but then again, I'm here in America where choices are freely made. I'm not in a country where all around me people are succumbing to these theological practices so I know this has to be hard for you.
I hope I've given you some food for thought and I wish you the best of luck in your decisions ahead.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
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First, I'm not quiet sure what you mean by half married. If you mean its like a long engagement with your "husband" and you are not actually married yet then you have to go with your heart. Marriage is a serious life commitment and for a marriage to work you have to be best friends as well as lovers.
You made a commitment to the first guy so I can see your confusion, and yes it will be hard on him, and you. But in the end it's your life and future you need to worry about. In the last 6 years you've grown, matured, and learned more about yourself and others. Only You know what qualities you want in a life mate. Use that experience to make the choice that is best for you, not them. Look at it this way, Do you want to have a life based on a decision you made at 18 before you had the experiences and maturity you have now? No one can tell you who to choose that has to come from your heart.
Follow your heart.
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