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I regret breakup, but ex-gf says we'll never get back togeth
My girlfriend "Allison" and I broke up about six months ago, after a 3-year relationship (a year in the same city before I had to move away, then a year of long-distance, then she moved halfway across the country to join me, and we lived together for a year before breaking up). With every other breakup I've ever had, I felt worst immediately afterwards, and then felt better and better over time, but this time it's just the opposite; I felt pretty good at first, and have felt worse and worse since. I was really sad to lose Allison, because in many ways we were fantastic together. But we spent most of that last year fighting and making each other miserable, and it seemed like that would never change, so I was sure we'd done the right thing by breaking up, and I felt pretty good about it.
But I've since realized that our differences -- which seemed irreconcilable -- could have been easily resolved. A medication I had started taking (for attention deficit disorder) made me feel stressed out, depressed, and incredibly irritable, but the timing made it seem as if living with Allison was causing that, and I didn't realize the truth until I stopped taking that drug recently. Plus I was immature and had my priorities all mixed up, and I've grown up a lot since the breakup. It's not that Allison was perfect -- her reactions to all the stuff I did wrong just made things worse -- but the breakup was my fault. I treated her amazingly badly, I deeply regret that, and I'm sure that if I'd handled things better, our relationship would have been great.
I've told Allison that, and that I'd do almost anything to win her back, but she's not interested. Part of that is that she thinks she's madly in love with a new guy she started dating two months after our breakup. But to me he seems like just a rebound guy, I think she'll realize that sooner or later, and I'm willing to wait. She's said, though, that even if he weren't around, she still wouldn't want to get back together. I think the problem is that I hurt her a lot, she doesn't really believe I've changed, and she doesn't want to get hurt again (and I can't blame her).
How can I convince Allison that I've changed? I've already started doing some things she always wanted when we were together, but that I never did. Is there anything else I can do that would help me to win her back? Am I being unrealistic to think we might get back together? And if so, how do I get over her? My friends tell me to date other people, but I've gone out on a few dates recently, and just wasn't at all interested in those women -- I felt absolutely nothing -- which again is very different from how I've felt after all of the other breakups I've ever had.
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A very similar thing happened to me. Went out with a guy for 2 years, and I treated him horribly because I was immature and it just didn't seem to be working so I broke up with him. A few months later, I realized what a mistake I had made, but it was too late. I convinced him to get back together, because I really had changed for the better, but it only lasted about 2 weeks and he was totally different because it was just obvious that he was just done with it and didn't want to make it work like he did before. Then a few weeks after breaking up for the 2nd time he got with this chick that I thought for sure would be a rebound or something. I mean, I was wondering what you were, how can you be with someone for so long that you were so in love with and within a couple of months be over that person and on to someone else? Well, it's been a year now and they're still together. I still don't know to this day if he just buried those remaining feelings for me really deep down in there or just truly got over it that quickly... but it seems unlikely for someone who who was suicidal when I broke up with them.
I usually try really hard not to bore people with my own stories on here, but my point is, it doesn't look like you'll get her back, and if you do, it won't be for a while. I know you're not me, nor she my ex, but that's just what it seems like. If she still has those feelings, which she most likely does, she's probably done what my ex did... associated them with so much bitterness and pain that she can too many negative factors. It's a heartbreaking thing to take in, and it took me so long to accept it and move on, but I still made myself date around anyway. Eventually you'll find a person who catches your interest a little bit as time goes on, even if you're not over Allison. It doesn't mean you're using them or that they're a rebound if you're actually interested but still think of her, it just means you're taking action and proactively trying to move on. Sorry that this was so long, but ultimately just remember to heal at your own pace. Don't beat yourself up because it seems like it's taking way too long to get over her. If you do that you stop focusing on the problem and indirectly make it worse by lowering your self-esteem. Just take your time and eventually it won't hurt so badly anymore.
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It isn't unreasonable to want to search for ways to get back together, but this isn't a matter of winning her over. Maybe in a romantic comedy a man can do something outrageous and the girl will eventually come around. But in all honesty, it is my opinion that you tried to reason with her and it didn't work. You told her you changed and how, but she still isn't interested. There isn't much you can do, it's all up to her.
As for why she thinks she'll never give you a chance again (which is just what she thinks, I mean, you never know), I think because she still sees you as the same person who treated her badly, she might be reminded of how she felt then if she dated you now. It would probably cause a lot of discomfort that, to her, definitely isn't worth it, especially since she has another man in her life. There isn't much you can do about that. This is just what I think might be happening. I'm sure she could have a number of different reasons.
The point is the reasons are hers, so it's up to her to change her mind. You've probably done all you can just short of being annoyingly persistent, so I would advise the 'moving on' path. You haven't felt a connection with the girls you've dated since then, but keep trying. You're probably going to find a connection eventually. Maybe these recent women were just plain uninteresting, heh.
I understand the break up is very different from past ones, but that's the risk we take when we get to this point. 3 years is a long time to spend with someone you really like and probably love, so it's going to probably take a lot longer to get over her. I'm confident that it will happen though.
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