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older love again
Hi Razhie, I am asking your advice because you are sometimes the voice in my head when I need someone to talk sense. Months and months ago, I briefly dated a forty-seven year old man(I am twenty-two/f) and it didn't really work out. He said he was still in love with his ex girlfriend back in the States(he is American, I am British and living and up until the today we both lived in Britain).
Despite our initial break up, we continued to see each other,and were sporadically sleeping together. The day before yesterday, I got a call from him saying that he was about to get kicked out of the country(long story, but he basically had a dud visa and tried to slip in to the country anyway-result ejection, even in yankee loving Britain)
So we met up-he invited me over to"watch a DVD" (you get it, code for "my c*ck is leaving in thirty-six hours, be on it") and I had the best sex of my entire life. Post-sex, though, I was troubled and sad, as I felt that my need to be close to him was not a feeling reciprocated by him-idk, I'm never sure with him. In the morning he kissed me, was tender and affectionate and promised to call me that night, his last in the country for God knows how long. He didn't call, which hurt me like caustic acid being poured on a wound. I sent him a text which gently admonished him for his failure to call, also telling him that while I was confused in my feelings for him, I thought that I loved him. This morning, just about two hours before he got on the plane he sent me a message apologising for not having called and saying that while he was stressed out, our last night had been a beautiful one for him. The message was lovely except that it in no way responded to my text. I just don't know what to do. I'm miserable and confused-part of me loves him like hell as well as feeling more lust for him than for any of my previous boyfriends, all of whom have been of my own age. But he has a history of emotional difficulties and has made me no promises. He said before he left that he would keep in touch(he is going to try to get back into the country when he can). I guess I just need someone to tell me no you fool, of course it's not going to work. But at the same time, a tiny part of me needs that less pessimistic voice. Razhie, what do you say?
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It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside that I am of some small service. No matter what my physiatrist says I still believe everybody needs a few voices in their head for the trying times; I'm very flattered to be one of yours. But I need to warn you, despite best efforts this isn't terribly optimistic.
All right then, with that out of the way, let us cover the bases. Here is a summary of what you told me:
He was unsure about being with you.
He has made you no promises.
He has ignored concerns you've voiced graciously.
You suspect your feelings are not reciprocated.
He is going to try to come back to you when he can, not as soon as, not right away, just when he can.
So what is he giving you to work with here?
The sex might be great for the both of you, but the love, the communication, the admiration, all the other things a relationship needs are only going one way, from you to him. You keep giving of yourself and it sounds like you aren't getting much in return beyond polite and sporadic affection. Yes, he has excuses and you seem to accept them; there was his ex-girlfriend, his past emotional issues and so on and so forth. But does somehow make what he is offering you enough?
He isn't fighting to be with you, he wasn't even before he left. He isn't trying to give you what you want or need. He is barely responding to you. His feelings, whatever they are, aren't motivating him to do any actual work, to have to tough conversations, to say the tough goodbyes or to make the tough decisions. He has coasted through this liaison, ignoring everything but his own feelings and issues, doing everything on his own timeline.
He seems polite and kind yes, when he leaves you confused and hurt he will always do it with a peck on the cheek and a handwritten thank you note, but that is a far cry from loving you.
This isn't working for you right now, and he has offered no sign of it improving in the future.
It isn't anything you did, not anything you said or who you are or what you believe or what you want. It is no reflection on you at all. You could be the greatest woman he has every met! The most wonderful woman to ever live! It doesn't matter. He decided it's not going to work. He had decided not to work for it. Unless he changes his mind for some baffling unknown reason, that’s just the way it is going to be. You can't change his mind for him and you seem smart enough not break your heart trying.
If he has nothing more to offer but great sex and sporadic affection, and it sounds to me like that is all he's got, is that enough for you?
If you really can't let this go then you need to be very clear with him on what you want and need from him. He will either balk, stall or appear miraculously at your side as quickly as possible.
But if you don't want to do that, or know that the miraculous apperance is never going to happen, then you need to let this pain go, and him with it.
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