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A Former Friend Who's Always There
Two or three years ago, I became very close with two people, we'll call them D, a female, and A, a male. They were very close to each other, and eventually I became very close to them, too.
A and I developed a stronger relationship, and we'd talk for hours on the phone. I... somewhat brought up taking our relationship further, however he didn't -seem- particularly interested in that, I wasn't exactly devastated, and we stayed on friendly terms, becoming perhaps even closer.
As time progressed, he introduced me to his oldest friend, E (male). Eventually, E, A and I were inseperable, and we spent a lot of time together. Eventually E and I found that we liked each other in a more than platonic way, and we started seeing each other, still going out with A very often.
I noticed that five or six months into E and my relationship, the relationship between me and A was quickly deteriorating, while he and R, a friend I introduced him to started treating me in horrible, horrible ways, with verbal and even often physical abuse. Eventually, R apologized, while A began ignoring me completely.
(R, D, and E have all commmented that perhaps A was not truthful earlier, and that he -did- have feelings for me.)
A is still very close with E & D. I've been with E for almost two years, and we're planning on moving in together soon. I spend almost every moment I'm not with E with D, and we work together, and we spend most meals together (with A there a majority of the time as well, still ignoring or being verbally hostile and passive/aggressive).
My questions, finally, are -
1) Why did A react that way, and can I salvage a relationship with him?
2) Should I demand/ask that E and D back me up more with A?
3) Should I ignore A if and when I am with D?, or
4) Should I stop spending time with D altogether, to avoid A?
I know it's a lot of questions, but I finally feel like I need guidance with this situation - from outsides eyes who are not directly involved in it. I just want to know what to do about this sticky, sticky situation.
(For clarification, I'm female.)
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
My questions, finally, are -
1) Why did A react that way, and can I salvage a relationship with him?
There's always the possibility that he did feel the same way but you brought up the fact that him and E were buds. I'm wondering if maybe he feels that you take some of his one on one time away from E?
Regardless of his reason, it's incredibly disrespectful to treat you this way. Friendship is about mutual respect. If he finds it so impossible to live by that, he isn't a very good friend.
2) Should I demand/ask that E and D back me up more with A?
Yes you should. I can understand D and E's loyalty to their friend. That maybe they feels stuck in the middle but you are important too and no one has the right to abuse you in any way no matter the reason. E might better be able to figure out what's going on since I get the impression that they go back quite awhile. Perhaps you could ask him to talk with A and see what's going on?
3) Should I ignore A if and when I am with D?, or
Do your best to be kind but if he wants to be nasty anyway, ignore him.
4) Should I stop spending time with D altogether, to avoid A?
No. Don't allow his nasty attitude to mess up any existing friendship you have. I'm sure there's a way to fix what's going on. Just don't do anything drastic in the meantime. You'll regret it.
But even if talking doesn't work out and A decides he still wants to be an asshole, then there is much that can be done about that until he decides to grow up.
Trust in the friendship you have with E and D and know that if it's real, they'll back you up. Surely, they'd be willing to hang with you and A at different times to avoid any tension.
That might be all it takes...a little time with you out of the picture for A and A out of the picture for you. After awhile, maybe you can all begin to ease back into hanging together.
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