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Dealing with in-laws
Hi younggrandma. I hope you don't mind the private question, but I wanted a response from a married adult. I've always been impressed with the wisdom and sensitivity you've shown in answers to others' questions. I'm hoping that you might be able to offer some advice on an situation I'm dealing with right now.
My husband and I have been married for almost a year. Other than a few little bumps while we were getting used to the marriage and living together, we get along great. My in-laws originally had reservations about us getting married because I'm 23 and my husband is 42. It seemed like they had got past the age difference by the time we had the wedding. Like a lot of married people, I have a somewhat love-hate relationship with my in-laws. However, over the past few months, I've begun to believe that they truly do not like me and might be trying to break up our marriage.
On several occasions, they have told my husband I was not a good wife (in front of me and a couple times when he wasn't aware I could hear it). When I mentioned that we were wanting to start a family, my father-in-law told me I had no business having a child. When I became pregnant, the insinuation was made that the child was not my husband's. On one occasion when I went to visit my family without him because he had to work, his parents insinuated that I was using that as an excuse to see someone else. They also constantly mention my husband's ex-girlfriend (who they like) and what's going on with her whenever they speak to my husband.
My husband has chronic pancreatitis which the doctors say appears to have no cause. My husband isn't responding to the normal treatments. He's been hospitalized four times since we've been married. My mother-in-law recently made the comment to me that I was the cause of him being sick. Her reasoning was that I am causing him stress because (in her opinion) I'm a lousy wife. She said that by me not working and not taking care of him (as she sees it), I am making him sick. Let me say at this point that I am nearly 5 months pregnant and my doctor has recommended (due to complications and a previous miscarriage) I do not work, that I stay off my feet, and that I rest as much as possible. There has even been discussion of putting me on complete bed rest or in the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy.
I'm hurt and a little angry over these remarks. I spoke to my husband about it, but I guess he doesn't see the situation like I do. He keeps insisting that his family loves me and they're just wanting to help. Personally, my first inclination is to cut off contact with them. However, my husband is very close to his family and I know it would hurt him to do so. How can I deal with this without causing a family feud and possibly problems in my marriage?
Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.
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Wow! You don't need the stress of all this yourself right now either.
This is a problem that is really going to have to be dealt with by your husband. I know he will be reluctant, because he has probably put up with their interference all his life.
You need to try and get him to understand. He has a new family now. You and your child need to be his number one priority in all things.
He needs to very lovingly tell his parents that you are his wife. They don't have to be overjoyed about it if they don't want to be, but they need to deal with it.
He will not listen to any more negative remarks about you. They will treat you with respect when they are in your home. If they don't want to treat you with respect in their home...that's up to them but he, you and the baby, when it arrives, will not visit them there.
He needs to tell them he doesn't care what his ex is doing. That you and he will make all decisions in regards to how many children you have, what to name them, and how they are raised.
Believe me, if he doesn't put a stop to it now they will be worse yet when the baby arrives.
Basically, he needs to put them in their place. He is a grown up now with a family of his own. He may have let them control things before you came along but it has to stop now.
You have every right to be upset by their treatment of you. He should be too. If he thinks he will have trouble with a face to face discussion, have him write it out and give it to them. It can be done in a firm, I mean business way and still be done in a nice way.
I know he is going to be reluctant to do and say anything. They may very well be upset at first. They will also get over it.
I'm sure their treatment of you is a big cause of stress. Their blaming you is ridiculous. He needs to step up and do something for the sake of the health of you both.
Unfortunately, it would do absolutely no good for you to do this. It would just give them more ammo to use against you. He does it, they get mad for a while and get over it. You do it and they have something to cry to all their friends and relatives about. You are the bad guy.
I hope this doesn't come off sounding like I am picking on your hubby. That is not my intent. He probably saw no harm in their interference before you came along. He may have even welcomed their input. I am sure he is nice to a fault at times! I sure hope you can get him to see they need to stop. I hope he will do this for you and your little one.
I hope it all works out for your family.
Take care of yourself and that baby. :)
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