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I talked to my mom
Hi YG,
I'm really freaked out right now. I think my mom is to. I kind of thought she might kind of think I might be smoking but she didn't have any idea. It really surprised her when I gave her that letter. God I feel so bad about it because it really upset her. I've never seen her that upset or crying so much. I think this is going to be ok but its not over yet and Im just trying to remember everything that happened because Im like feeling like I'm not even in my body right now like this is happening to someone else. I still can't believe I gave her that letter, but I'm glad I told her. I feel terrible because I hurt my mom's feelings but I know I had to tell her the truth.
I wanted to talk to her after she read it but she was crying and everything and then my older brother came in and saw us and she got upset about that cause he was asking her what was wrong. She screamed at him to go back outside and watch my little brother and then she told me to go to my room. My dad was still at work when all this was happening.
I had to stay in my room for over an hour before she came up to see me. She still looked upset but she wasnt crying and she still had my letter when she came in. I asked her what she told my brother and she said that she told him it wasnt any of his business and that it was between me and her and that she told him not to say anything about it to Dad.
She said she was sorry for getting so upset and that it just kind of shocked her but she wanted to talk about it so she sat down on my bed and we started talking about it. She started asking me questions about how much I smoke and where I go to do it and I told her every thing she wanted to know. She said she was glad I finally told her so we could talk about it but she wanted to know why I waited so long to tell her since I had been doing it for 2 years. I told her that I thought that if I told her then she would think I was to young and she'd try to make me quit and I didnt want to take the chance and I told her that I was also just scared to tell her. She said that if I was scared about telling her about it then that meant that I knew it was wrong in the first place so why did I do it. I told her truth but I didnt tell her I did it to be like her. I just said I knew it was something I wanted to do and I've always felt that way.
She asked me when the last time was that I'd had a cigarette and I told her it was after lunch. Thats when she asked me if I wanted to have one with her but she said it didn't mean she was giving me permission to smoke but she wanted to see if I was really inhaling or I made a mistake about it. I felt real weird about smoking in front of her so soon but I really wanted it and I wanted her to know I really do smoke like her and Dad. After she saw me do it she said she didn't think it would do any good to make me smoke a whole pack and then she laughed kind of and told me she was joking.
She asked me if I really enjoy smoking like I said in my letter or if i was just putting on and I told her I love to smoke and it gives me a lot of pleasure and relaxes me. And she asked me if I liked it enough to know if i wanted to do it every day for the rest of my life like her and Dad. I told her that I knew I was addicted and that it was fine with me because I was sure I wanted to keep smoking.
She asked me about my friends and if any of them smoked and I told her no because they don't. And she asked me what I thought they'd think if they found out I smoke and I said i wasn't sure. I said some would probably be mad at me and some of my other friends would think it was cool. And then she started asking me about boys and what they thought about girls that smoke. I didn't want to talk about that and she said that when she was in high school, a lot of boys liked it when girls smoked and that was one of the reasons she started. And I just kind of nodded because thats the way it is at my school to.
She asked me if I was afraid I'd gain weight if I quit smoking and I told her I knew a girl at school who quit and she gained like 20 pounds. And she just said yeah, like she knew who I was talking about.
She asked me if I thought Id be more popular or less popular if the kids at school knew I smoked. I said more popular and she just shook her head and I don't know if that was bad or good, but I was telling the truth.
She told me that things would be real different for the whole family if she and dad gave me permission to smoke because they had to think about my brothers and what it would be like for them to see me smoking like her and Dad. My older brother is 16 and my younger brother is 6. She said something about how she knew she couldn't turn back the clock on me but that she didn't want my brothers to think they could start smoking to. I told her what I wrote in my letter about knowing that smoking is an adult habit and I promised her I would smoke like a grown up. And she told me I'd have to be responsible if they gave me their permission.
She asked me if I wanted another cigarette and I said yeah so we smoked one and she said I could come down stairs and help her make dinner. And she said she would talk to my dad tonight after they went to bed and she'd tell me what they decided tomorrow.
So that's what happened. I helped my mom with dinner and we didn't talk about it when my dad came home. And then after dinner I went outside to where I smoke and had a cigarette and then I went to my room and started writing you.
The one thing that my mom said to me tonight was that she understood how I felt because she'd been in my shoes before to and if it was up to her, she'd give me permission to smoke and she's proud of me for talking to her about it like I did. But she also said not to get my hopes up because she didn't think my father would take it to well. But she also said she was going to show him my letter and tell him that she thought they should give me permission. So I don't know what to think. My mom sounded pretty serious when she said not to get my hopes up.
The big thing is that I'm glad I told her and I'm glad she knows I smoke. That makes me feel a lot better about my self so even if they don't give me permission to smoke, in a way I won't be hiding any more even if I can't do it in front of them because they'll know.
So now I got to wait until tomorrow. If your still up and you read this could you maybe write me and tell me if theres anything I should be thinking about in case my dad wants to talk to me like my mother did?
What ever happens I'm glad I did this and I'm really glad you helped me to tell them what I wanted to say.
Thanks,
*K8e
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Katie,
Bet its a real relief for it to be over! Well, half over anyway.
Your dad will probably have the same kinds of questions your mom had. Just be honest in answering and you will do fine.
I'm sure glad you took out the parts of the letter you did. Sounds as if she felt pretty bad. She did calm down though and it sounds like you had a real nice talk.
Whatever dad says I am sure you will still feel better that they know about it. Sneaking around just isn't the way to go. It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your parents & you wouldn't want to mess that up by sneaking. If nothing else I am sure you earned your mothers trust today.
Hope all goes well with your dad tomorrow. Keep in touch. I"m glad I could be of a little help. :)
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