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throwing his life away
i'm in a bit of a predicament w/ my boyfriend. i'm 19 and a sophomore in college and he's 21 and has not entered college. i'm not with him for booksmarts or trying to force him into going to college, but everyday i see him throwing his money away on useless things like his car.
i want him to have the motivation to have a future, to move forward w/ his life instead of living under his parents roof and job hopping every 3 months.
i've tried talking to him about it, but he always gets mad at me when i do, accusing me of lecturing him. he just doesn't understand that i'm only trying to look out for him. and i don't understand that when he says he wants a future with me, that he's not doing a goddamn thing about it? no money is saved for "us", no plans have been made, it's just an empty promise to me.
my question to you is what do you think i should do? do you think i should still encourage him or should i just let him do what he wants to do? after all, it is his money and it is his life...
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Hate to break it to you hon', but you two are already pretty diferent kinds of people and that's just going to become more obvious as time goes by.
There's nothing "bad" about breaking up with someone because your core you-ness is too different from theirs for things to work out. This is the kind of complaint that ends relationships all the time- and rightly so.
Either he's going to leave you over these differences or you're going to leave him. Pick which way you'd like it to happen and welcome the inevitable.
Harsh? Yeah, maybe a little. But so true. If you care about him, let him be who he is. And if you think that "who he is" is someone who makes "empty promises" and does nothing about things you consider important, then you're running out of good reasons to be with him in the first place.
Best of luck babe. It's never easy ending a relationship, but it's often oh so smart...
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If you want to let him waste his money in such ways, let him do it. If you do that, then you might as well just leave him for someone who:
1) Is more concerned about the future than just the present
2) With or without higher education, is seeking a career, not a job
3) Respects you when you try to say something helpful
Just because it's his money and his life doesn't mean it won't affect you if you keep dating him. Find someone nicer with a better sense of control over his own life.
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Look, this isn't about money or giving your guy a hard time. You are just starting to see that you are at two different places in your life and you maybe want different things in your future. This isn't that one person is right or wrong. You are maybe growing apart. I don't know if this is what you want to do, but maybe take some time apart. He sounds like he is maybe tired of hearing you 'nag' him all the time and you sound like you are doing really well in school and probably have a lot of fun with your friends there as well. Maybe when you head back after break, tell him that you want to take some time apart. You may find that you both miss each other a lot and will come to a new understanding for one another, or you may see that you are growing apart afterall and the split may be long term. In terms of encouraging him and stuff... that is only going to come from inside himself. You can talk until you are blue in the face and it may not do a lot.
Good luck and keep me posted.
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i was with a girl like you once and i can honestly say it was the worst thing i've done. seriously, if a guy doesn't want to go to college and is content to spend his time doing what he wants then let him. let us do what we want and don't try to fix, or change us, cause it's not going to happen. he doesn't need help, cause it's not helping him. it's helping you feel better about yourself. i'm content to spend my money on my car, and content to hang out, goof off, and have fun. if i were him i'd have dumped you by now. but that's because when a girl tries to tell me what to do i'm done with her right then and there. he may be a bit more relaxed about it. but i was in the exact same boat and what happned was she kept trying to get me to go to colleges, and look around, and see what's up and all this shit. and i kept not going and not looking because i'm not going to do something til i'm ready to do it and if he's not ready then he's not going to do it. everybody is different, and no two people can be the same. and if he doesn't want to go you can't force him. let him do what he wants and he'll sort himself out. or shit just dump him and move on i'm sure he's fine with or without you.
and cars are not useless things to spend money on. a woman is a useless thing to spend money on. you can always get another girlfriend or wife, but the car is something that's one of a kind.
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i dont think that you should stick around to help a person especially ur bf that does not wana be helped, is broke, and lives at home with his mama
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Hello there,
I can't help but notice a repeated theme: Money, money and more money.
For some people, life isn't about money.
It sounds like the two of you have very different outlooks on the importance of certain things.
I am not saying your perspective is wrong, but I am saying that with the information provided here... you have pretty much answered your own question.
At 21, I don't know a single guy who was in saving money mode. That is generally when we are trying out different jobs and spending all available cash on toys.
This is not abnormal. If you said he was saving every dime, my first thought would be that he was lying to you. It is not in the nature of a 21 year old male these days to be saving, well, anything. ;-)
Another thing you mentioned, was that he was looking forward to a future with you... In man speak that generally means IN THE FUTURE.
I can assure you that if you push on this, he will hate your guts shortly.
If you are this interested in him saving money for "us" and he isn't, there isn't much likely-hood that he is thinking in the short term.
Remember that men and women think differently. His idea of a future may be settling down at 35.
Your idea of this sounds a lot more pressing.
As for college, I am glad you aren't pressing him in that direction. Maybe he will avoid the most common of all college mistakes: Going to school too early.
Most people enter college out of high school and have NO real world experience. They get to college and take courses in what they think they will be doing... Then they get into the real world and find that actually working in the chosen trade isn't what they really want to do for the rest of their life.
At this point, they are fresh out of college, no experience in anything at all, hate their studied subject as it is applied in real life, are buried in student debt, and so... Can't go back to school until they have paid off their student loans.
Most people don't pay off their student loans until they are in their late 30s or early 40s.
You see my point here? Life ruined, game over, there is no reset button.
All this because their parents, counselors, friends or mate pushed them into something they were absolutely not interested in doing.
Maybe at 27 he will have worked enough jobs to fine one that he likes. Then he will be able to go right into college (no student loan debt) and put himself through school working a job that he loves. It is MUCH easier to do the school/work thing when you love your work.
The job hopping is normal. It is actually quite promising if he has reasons for it. Much better than the person who gets in a job they hate and stick it out because they are either too stupid, or too lazy to do anything about it.
If you aren't obsessed with money, as your question seemed to indicate, then please step back and look at it from his point of view.
The future as he sees it is down the road a ways.
You see it right in the here and now.
Best thing in the world is to sit down and DIRECTLY find out exactly what his plans are.
If, on the other hand you are obsessed with money, I hope you find someone else, because this is probably not the right guy for you. He probably isn't going to be changing any time soon.
The single most damning thing you said was:
"...everyday i see him throwing his money away on useless things like his car."
You think cars are useless? And you have a boyfriend that is a car nut? If that is true, you two have no future as a couple.
Have you told him you think his car is "useless?"
Have you told him that you think he is "Throwing his money away on his car?" Money he should be putting in a bank account for you, or, 'us'?
You might be surprised at his reaction. ;-)
He isn't putting money away for 'us' because his half of the 'us' is just fine. It is your half of the 'us' that wants money in the bank. Did you ever look at it like that?
As for cars being useless... Just about the most useless thing in the entire world is a diamond ring.
If that was what he was 'throwing his money away' on, would you be in here complaining about him? Please answer honestly, and you will see how you look to anyone reading this.
I wish you both the best,
DangerNerd.
P.S. Some guys are ready for family at 18, that would be me, and some guys don't even really thing about it until their late 30s. Some never do. Find out where he stands, or you are just wasting time for both of you.
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