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Thank you beenthere! And let me also say,
You're encouragement for my seemingly un-parent-like tactics and seeing them exactly as I intend to parent.
I've been there done that where the shoplifting teen is (when i was 11 and it was just a slap on the wrist--30 years ago!) I was honest about that and remembered quite poignantly that I was more worried about my friend who was caught with me. I knew it would be terribly difficult for my mother to leave her minimum wage job and walk (having polio and both feet deformed) the seven blocks from her job to where I was. I knew she would be disappointed, AND I knew she would still love me and forgive me. I made certain to tell my own daughter (remind her-I wll always remind her) that she can come to me about anything!
The main problem for me is trying to communicate with her dad. After I wrote my first "question" she called, as I had asked her to before she tried to go solo with her dad, and we talked for a long time.
I allowed her to debate my plans and the reasons behind them and was able to communicate, through love and genuine humanity--hoping to help her see the success in facing this head on with honesty and conviction. And an open mind.
She wasn't happy about some of the solutions and I did have to reprimand her for a disrespectful statement, but clarified I wasn't angry I simply wanted her to realize that telling me "I'll let you just do whatever you want. It doesn't matter" was devaluing herself. I also made it clear that she needs to hear me again, and told her "You are not 'letting me' do what I want. I've respected your input and addressed your concerned because that's my job. Don't forget my job is to look after and care for your physical, emotional, spiritual, creative, growth and all the ups and downs and ultimately her father and I will decide what's best for her.
It was a tear-filled, sigh of relief from which I heard her say thanks, mom. I reminded her it was her job to be the teenager and diligent student, she did nothing wrong...but, but, but...she just knows how her father is going to attack her and punish her.
I've been striving for close to 2 years to regain a united front as their parents and I have faith that although it ended, 20 years of communication and problem solving makes me confident that he will be up to the challenge and she will be more closely bonded in trust with each of us.
This has been my research for the past 26 hours (even while I was dreaming) and I treasure each moment I have time with the kids. I hope I can always remember that first and foremost I am their mother and that title covers a lot of ground. The underlying foundation of respect for your parents can only come from providing examples of consistency, open communication, free speech, choices and the hardest of all-the consequences.
I'm in great need of my ex's respect for me and the desire from him to match communication through long processes of where the kids are concerned.
Sorry so long. I'm a frustrated writer and I am so appreciative of this site (which I just found 1 hour before you repsonded to me) Excellent.
Perhaps you could tell me what I might contribute to the site--I already feel I owe for such excellent and easy service at the precise time it was needed. You were there! Thanks. Haze
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Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
i'm glad to hear things are working out for you. you don't owe the site anything, and you can always ask me something. for me, this is what i am called to do in life, so that's why i'm here. i'm majoring in psychology in college to hopefully do sociopsychology. my heart is for helping people, so i love to do this... ask any time! have a great day!
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