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It's Jacey again,
I dont understand my feelings right now. Sometimes i want to be like the presedent and other times i want to die just so i dont have to live. I talked to my sister on the phone last night for hours. I thought it would help and maybe it did, but i cant be too sure. She's twenty and she goes to Baylor. She told me that it wasnt my fault and she kept telling me that all night, but i know it wasnt my fault and it sounds odd but if it was my fault i could have at least done something about it. If only I was there and not in Algerbra class I could have stopped it. If i wasnt too god damn smart for my own good I wouldnt have even been at school taking the exam and it might have all been different. He might still be here. I told my sister that and she seemed to understand. We takled until three in the morning wheni fell asleep on the phone. The great thing about it was that Emily, ((my sister)) didnt hang up. Im glad she did this. I know she cares about me. My parents signed me up for some shrink before i talked to Emily. The lady asked me what i wanted and I said she couldnt give it to me. She goes, "Jacey, I can't give your brother back, but you can keep your life going." Well no shit you can't bring Bryson back who are you God? The thing I want is time. I want to have enough of it. I'm afraid everybody I care about is a second away from leaving the planet, me included. I want to stop thinking this way and i just want to be a normal thirteen year old girl. I want to go back to playing softball and i want to be treated like I'm thirteen not like I'm 81 and dying of a stroke or something. I don't want to constantly worry about when my time is going to run out and if I'm ever going to be able to do something while I'm here, because I want to. And I want to do something now in case the claock runs out. Emily allready did it. She's the best sister ever, but I don't have anyting like that. I'm just smarter than most people and I want to show people. When I say I'm smart I'm not kidding I am. Most people when I ask them don't believe this really happened, becaus it all sounds so fake. I wish it was fake. I don't sound Thirteen to you do I? I just want to be myself again and I want to stop thinking. I just want to live.
Jaey W.
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Dear Jacey,
No you don't sound 13 at all, much older and much more mature than most 13 year olds, and that is probably the reason for your emotional turmoil. I think I can explain what is happening, and put things in perspective for you. When we are young we are idealistic. We think pure thoughts. We are not evil. We think the world is a wonderful place. It is OK. At that age we are supposed to feel that way. Because you ARE so smart, you feel it more than others. You know some day you will be out there with your brains, your take control attitude, and you will be "making a difference". ANd if that day were today, or a few months ago, you would have made a difference in your brothers untimely death, and YOU would have been able to intervene. That is false ego. Not to worry, kids HAVE to have ego. If kids don't believe themselves to be immortal, invincable, and have all the answers, and think they can fix what adults have messed up, how will they have the guts to take over and start working at implementing their ideas as soon as they are able. Think about it. Things would never change, there would be no progress. New ideas would never be thought of and implemented. And remember this is NORMAL thinking for kids your age, and most young adults. It is even more the case where you are concerned because you are so smart. I believe you when you say you are very smart for 13. I can see in your writings and in your thoughts, and that what your thoughts were on the "shrink's" statements to you. You realized that she was partonizing you.
Here is the other factor that I see. Because of your brothers death, you have realized to early, that guess what, we are not immortal. Life does have and end, and for some of us, that end comes too soon. I think you are afraid that you will not get to have a life. That is may be over before it even starts. And you won't get the chance to implement your ideas, and make the changes that you want to make, or make a difference in this world. This is normal for someone who has been what you have been through. And because you are just stagnating in middle school or high school, you have too much time on your hands to dwell on the unfairness of life, and since it was unfair to your brother, who had done nothing to deserve what happened, you think, "why should I be so lucky.....how will you cheat death?"
I know that if you were busy like your sister is in college, you would not be dwelling on these questions. You wouldn't have the time. You would be doing something important, and you would be making a difference, and soon, those thoughts of how short and fleeting life can sometimes be...would move further and further to the back of your mind. Eventually, you would forget these thoughts, and get on with life. Before you know it you would be 25, 35, 50, 75. and guess what, you are having a life. Of course you will never forget your brother, and you will always think lovingly of him and offer up your accomplishments in his memory. And I believe that he will see that and celebtrate your life.
Now your parents, on the other hand, they know how fleeting life can be. It is something that hits you, actually, when you first have children. You suddenly realize that you are totally responsible for this little life you created, that is so vulnerable, and you can't help but think of all the things that could go wrong. At this point in their lives, because they have been doing what they are doing (work, play, home life, etc.) for so long, they can perform these tasks on 'auto pilot" while they go about their daily tasks and mourn your brother. Because they can put their lives on "auto-pilot, they can prolong the mourning process. Long after you are ready to get on with life. But you all have to mourn your brother in your own way. I can't make your life go any faster. Your age needs to reach the level of your intelligence before people will start to take you seriously, and before you can start "making a difference" in the world. And start living instead of worrying about dying......BUT actually, there are things that a girl your age, who is smart, can do. Things that are meaning ful, and can make a big difference. I don't know where you live, city or country, or what state. But here are some suggestions.....
If there is a YMCA or YWCA in your city/town, they can use volunteers to work with the kids. Most of the Y's have day cares. If there is a girl scout council in your area. They have groups for girls your age, and no it's not like the "old fashioned" girl scouts of my day, were we went after badges for sewing and cooking. These girls do things to help their community. And well, nursing homes and hospitals are always looking for help, volunteers. And by doing volunteer work, it will look real good on your college applications, and if you need to apply for scholarships to help pay for college, many scholarships require volunteer work from it's applicants.
So bottom line is, you need to start your life. And no, I don't think you have to wait until you are a "legal" adult, there are things you can do now. ONce you are working, volunteering and making a difference, and have a life that "matters", which means that you matter....you will see how wonderful life is, and just be "living" instead of worrying about how short it can be.
You know I could site here a lot of statistics that will prove that it is very rare to die at your age, in this country, but that won't have any meaning to you. Because your family is one of the statistics. But the fact is that it is rare. You still have a great chance to live a long a wonderful life. Don't wait, start now. In honor of your brother.
I hope this helps. Let me know how you make out. Your sister does sound very nice, and I am glad that you have her. But you, yourself know that you cannot suck the life out of her while you figure this out. You are heading in the right direction. You are asking the right questions. You are asking these questions of the "world" of life itself". Just don't expect to get an answer. The answers are in you. You will see that. The sooner the better, I think.
GOod luck to you.
Michele
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