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whew, this is a big 'un...
hey - well, i have been reading your advice, i think it's wonderful. :) and i was hoping you could help me with my.. "problem".
this is kind of a long story, it started like.. exactly a year ago, actually. i met this guy named "tom" through a mutual friend last summer. we spent a lot of time together, with other people and by ourselves. i think at some point i started to really like him, and he started to really like me. so we started dating, but it took the whole summer for it to get to that, and by august, school was starting. i was going into 8th grade, so was he, but at a different school. we decided to take a break, since we are going to the same highschool. so we broke up.. it was really hard on me, i honestly thought i was falling for him. well we stopped talking, took a long break.. well long for me, i think it was actually about 2 months. by october though, we started talking again, online, on the phone, and we even hung out some. of course feelings started coming back, for both of us.. i thought i was in love with him, and he told me he loved me. i was so happy.. now remember, i was 13 then, he had just turned 14.. we're young kids, so this is a big deal.
we dated for a while, until january came around.. we broke up, because "he was confused, he needed to sort out his feelings". i'm not gonna lie, i was heartbroken.. literally, i didn't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. i guess i tried to get over it and move on, but he still treated me the same.. almost like he was leading me on or something.. but then one night he told me he still loved me and always would, he was just still confused. well i loved him too, but i didn't want to wait around for him, i guess.. so i started dating this other guy, and well that just fell right through, because i started talking to tom again, and i felt guilty. so a month or so went by and we just kind of kept in contact, but just as friends.. except everyone knew it was more then that. well we just kind of kept it like that for a while.
then, in february, i got to know one of his really good friends.. and i thought i had feelings for him, plus i wanted to move on from tom. it went great for about two months, he was a great boyfriend.. but the thing is, he always wanted to hang out with me, but he would always BRING tom.. it was really hard on me, and on tom, i could tell... and he would always get frusterated with me because i didnt want to hang out with him when tom was around. i decided to break it off, because it just wasn't working out.
so now, it's may, and i've been seeing more and more of tom again. i still love him, i always have, and we've been through so much. all of my friends and all of his friends know we love eachother, i think we just have trouble admitting it to eachother.. or like he has trouble admitting it to me i guess. he tells me when we're by ourselves. just last night, he told me, "i love you a lot.. but sometimes i have my doubts, like when i don't see you for a long time, or when i don't talk to you for a while." i don't know what to make of this. honestly, he is so good to me.. we're best friends, we tell eachother everything.. and next year we're going to the same school, so in some ways i think it will be a lot easier to be together. i know i'm only 14, a lot of people think i'm too young for love.. but i know i love tom. do you have any advice? i'm sorry this is so long.. it's just a long story i guess. any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you so much!!
love, alex.
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Sometimes...the longer, the better. Gives me a better idea of what is going on. So...No problem ;) And thank you for the compliment.
I have to admit, when I read your question, I was reminded of my ex-boyfriend. We broke up a total of about four times, the first two times, he dumped me. His reason was very similiar. "I love you, I just have doubts about our relationship." I understand your confusion, and I understand how you are feeling right now.
Speaking from experience, I would like to first express my concerns. At the end of my relationship, I felt...Well, I knew he cared about me, and I know that he was confused. I know that part of his confusion was caused him feeling unsure of whether or not he wanted, and was ready for a relationship. Not only do I think that he was not prepared for a relationship, I think that in truth...While he did care, and thought that he loved me, he really didn't. If he had, I think our relationship would have been very different.
I think that because I have been fortunate enough to have met someone in the past who showed me what it was like to really be wanted. He talked to me...everyday. Not out of obligation, but because he simply wanted to. He accepted me for who I was, never tried to change me. He praised my good qualities and never talked down to me, even when I said or did something wrong. And he wanted to spend his free time with me. He was willing to drive across two states just to see me. And he missed me while I was away.
My ex-boyfriend...didn't do any of those things. He said the words, but he didn't mean them. Otherwise, he wouldn't have had doubts. And he wouldn't have treated me like his possession. I always felt like I was just his pretty little doll. When he was lonely he took me off the shelf and played with me until he lost interest. Then he would put me back up on the shelf until he was feeling lonely again. While I was on the shelf, I was the one who felt lonely. All relationships come with problems, but I don't think that anyone should ever feel that way.
I'm not accusing Tom of acting like my ex-boyfriend. I don't know him. It's probably very normal for him to have doubts, considering that you are both still in your teens. And I imagine that not being able to attend the same school is a big factor in your relationship, considering that you are both too young to drive.
The point of my lengthy story was to tell you how you SHOULD NOT feel. If Tom causes you to feel the way that I did, it could be that he's saying words that he really doesn't understand.
You will have to evaluate your own feelings. If you are feeling the way I did, I would suggest that you start dating someone else. Someone who will SHOW you how much they love you by doing all the things that I mentioned earlier.
If not...Well, give Tom some space and time. He needs an opportunity to sort out his own feelings, and I think that sometimes, this is best done alone. (Though I am not suggesting that you avoid him. Maybe...just try not to talk about it for a while.) Until then, you will just have to be patient. I know that's really hard.
So...Patient...Yeah. All I can suggest...try not to think about the situation too much. I know, I know. Easier said than done, right? You'll have to try to think about something else. And I'm sure you have plently to think about :) Try focusing on school, hobbies, friends, etc. When he's ready, he'll let you know...
And then, when you are both attending the same high school, I'm sure a relationship will be a lot easier to manage.
I would like to mention...Don't wait for him forever. If his lack of decisiveness begins to really bother you after giving him time to think about it, this might be your cue to move on. Just don't let this guy become the center of your universe.
Sorry if I was unable to really help. If you want to discuss the matter further, just leave a message in my inbox. I'm hoping for the best, dearie ;) Until then...Adieu :)
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