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ok, me and my husband have married for about 3 years now we have a son whos 2, we've been together for 6 years and things have always been great but for about a month he's been coming home late smelling like other women and i know that he's been cheating on me. so i confronted him about it and told him that it wasn't going to happen but then he got violent and hit me i tried to leave but he found out and beat me i went to the police and they gave me a restraining order which is a piece of paper like a piece of paper is going to protect me. i'm really scared if i leave him he'll get custody of our son because he has more money and they said that they can't deny him rights until he proves to be a danger to our child which he hasn't. so i can't leave him. i don't know what to do. how can i get away from him without putting my or my child's life in danger?
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HI,I am glad you wrote. Let me tell you what happened to me. Now I live in CT, and the laws are different in each state. My husband beat me too when I tried to leave him, and like yours he gave me plenty of reasons to leave. He also got arrested, and I got a restraining order, and you're right it is just a piece of paper. He did end up beating me again, and again I called the police. But the good thing, is after the first beating, after he was arrested, the judge made him move out of the house, so I felt safer. At least I could start to think straight about my next move. (And the reason it happened again is because I let my guard down, I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again, but he took the opportunity to hit me again, because by now he hated me so much because he knew that I was going ahead with the divorce and was not going to change my mind.)
Well he made all those threats to me.
"I'll get those kids from you"
"I'll get custody you'll never see them"
I'll KIll you, eventually,
etc, etc, etc.
Well he said all this to try and stop me from going ahead with it, but I knew I was safer without him and divorced from him.
Deep inside, I knew that he would never hurt his kids, I knew he loved them, it was me he hated.
DO you think your husband would hurt his child, just to get back at you? Think this over, because it should guide your next moves.
I really think you need to get a lawyer, but more about that later.
DO you think your husband wll also get a lawyer.
My ex, was not very smart. He can barely read or write, so he was to afraid to look stupid in front of a lawyer so he never hired one. Of course he said he was going to. He also said he was going to fight me for custody. I really did not know until the day we went to court that he was not going to. But I knew (and he knew) in court that my attorney was going to tell the judge that he had been arrested twice for beating me. That he had been arrested before for assault on someone else. That he had been arrested for selling steroids. (him and his friends were weight lifters) So he was afraid that he would never see his kids again. So the day we went to court, he decided to cooperate. I got what I wanted, FULL CUSTODY, which meant that he could not take the kids out of state. We sort of got supervised visits, because he moved in with his parents after the judge threw him out, and so his parents were always there when I dropped the kids off, and he would not hit me in front of them.
Let me tell you what our state insists on now, when couples with children divorce.
First all married couples have the opportunity to see a marriage counselor, at least three times before going ahead with the divorce. Just one member of the marriage has to want it, and both have to go. I went through that, but I was not coerced into changing my mind. Second, couples with children have to go to some parenting classes that teach both parents not to sue the kids as pawns in the divorce. That you are only divorcing each other, and not the children. You need to get along for the sake of the children.
DOes any of this sound like a possibility to you?
With all those authorities around, do you think you soon to be ex will behave? Sometimes they don't.
SO let's assume that you husband is just full of hot air, and won't really follow through, then you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and go forward with the divorce.
But if you think he will not cooperate, no way, and will actually hurt you again, and may even hurt your child, then you need to seek shelter.
I think first you really have to get a lawyer. A female lawyer may be more sympathtic, but that is not always the case. Talk to everyone you know to try and found out who is the best lawyer in town. Your first consultation should be free. You might even find a lawyer who is willing to try and get the fees from your husband. And all lawyers have to do some Pro Bono work each year. maybe you will get lucky and get one who will use your case as one they do for free this year.
In my state they have this information number called 211. It is for situations like this. They can put you in touch with a shelter or womand advocate group, maybe even a lawyer that specializes in cases like this.
No matter what happens next, you have to be strong. YOu have to stay one step ahead of him. I already know that you are smarter than him because he thought he could cheat on you and you wouldn't find out, and he was wrong, and really stupid. Count on him being stupid all the time, and just using coersion and threats to control you. Don't believe his threats. The next year will be very hard for you. YOu have to be stronger, and you will be stronger when it is over. You will have more confidence, and don't ever let anyone do that to you again. Don't put yourself in a position again where someone has power over you. That means don't go looking for some knight in shining armour to rescue you. Yes it happens, but more ofen it does not. Don't assume that it will. Be suspicious of every man. DOn't get involved in a new relationship for a long time, and when you do, give it a lot of time to get to know the man, to be SURE that he is not more interested in OWNING YOU, than in being your life partner.
I hope this helps. Write again and let me know what happend michele@personaladvicecolumn.com
Sorry for your troubles. I know you did nothing to deserve it, but only you can get yourself out of it. This is NOT THE MIDDLE EAST. WE HAVE RIGHTS., STAND UP FOR YOURSELF>
Michele
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