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is it really over? my story is long but i really need advice
my name is amy iam 18 and i recently got out of my three year relationship with my first love david. we had an awesome relationship with no major difficulties. the only pitt fall of us was that early in our relationship i cheated on him, it was nothing serious, but it took a lot for us to get through it, but we did and we were very happy up until now. i was the cause of our breakup because we were both going into our senior year and i felt like some healthy space between us would be good. we both agreed that we didnt want to just be completely done so after about three months of taking things slower and casually dating around we both decided to get back together. a week after this mutual he decided to date erika. she had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years just a couple of days before her and david got together. her brother had recently committed suicide due to steroids that had been supplied to him by erikas boyfriend which promoted her to break up with him. i was mad and hurt when i found out and just gave david all the cliche "i hope you know what your loosing" and "no one can love you the way i can" lines. he only replied with an "iam sorry i will always love you". we didnt talk for two weeks, then he started to randomly call and text message me, while he was still dating erika. i stayed strong and resisted him for a month. over thanksgiving break i finally gave in and answered my phone. we talked for hours about nothing and made plans to go job hunting the next day and try out our new relationship as "friends". although i acted as if nothing was wrong the next day, i was hurting inside so bad. all i wanted to do was say how much i missed him and how i wished he would take me back. but i didnt. i held back my emotions until i was in the privacy of my room. i promised myself then that i was never going to call him first, and i haven't to this day. if he wanted to hang out he could call me. we went a couple of days without talking when he called me one night and asked me to come over to look at something he got for his car. it was late and against my better judgement i went. we ended up getting intimate and we both cried to each other and came to what i thought was the understanding that we both werent ready to be "friends" and to just treat this night as closure and i asked him to not call me anymore. that lasted about a week. since then we have been off and on for five months now, he has intimately cheated on erika countless times with me that she doesnt know about. i know that our relationship is wrong and unhealthy and ive tried to cut it off many times but i always give into him becuase he doesnt listen to me when i tell him not to call. i would always avoid the erika subject around david mostly because i was afraid of what i was going to hear, but i recently got up the courage to ask him if he really loved her. he said that he really did and i told him that i didnt believe him, and i still dont. i told him to leave my room if he really loved her and he quickly changed the subject and stayed the entire night. when i asked him how and why he loved her he said she was really caring, implying that i didnt care about him because of the mistake i made so early on in our relationship. i dont believe that david loves erika not only becuase he cheats on her, but he doesnt even have the decency to tell her about it. i feel as thought david feels obligated to her because of her brther and becuase of how fast she attatched herself to him because of how vulnerable she was. although we have finally stopped telling each other we love each other i know with everything that we still do. he still tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and that he has a lot of feelings for me still. ive told him that that is pretty hard to believe when he has been saying i love to someone else for the past five months and he never says anything back to me. i know iam not being nieve because i can feel how in love we are still when we're together, and not just physically, our best friend connection is still there. ive told him all of this and he doesn't agree or disagree. when i asked him recently why he never responds with anything relevant to what i ask, he said that he didnt want to say something to get my hopes up. i told him that i didnt care what he said to me as long as it was what he truly feels and if he truly feels like hes ready to just walk away from us and be with erika then he needs to say it so i dont sit around thinking something is there when its not. that conversation took place yesterday and he didnt reply and that was the last time we talked. i know the right thing to do would be to just move on and forget about him, but thats so hard to do when everything inside of me knows that we're going to be together and that he truly loves me. we are going to be starting the same college in the fall so it not like its going to end after high school. i dont want to lose my best friend but i cant handle being on his back burner anymore. i know that we could be happy again, and i know that he doesnt love erika. i just really want to know the right words to say to him, and if i should follow my heart and try to be with the one person i have ever loved or if we are just doomed. i want my best friend back. please help me :(
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Damn, that was a long story! Anyway, I don't think you're seeing this for what it really is. David is getting the best of both worlds. It's a prototypical case: Erika is the gf or as I like to call'em - the main course - while you, Amy is the mistress which I call - dessert. You're not seeing this from a complete prespective. Think about it. If David is willing to cheat on Erika whom he 'claims' to love, how much more willing do you think he would be do the same to you if/when you get back together? Even more so since you've given him an incentive to do so. Since you initially cheated and still expressed interest in him, he feels like he has a 'get out of jail' card in case you decide to call him on it. I know I would (and have). The exact words I used were: "Who are you to tell me who I go out with? You have no right to tell me anything since you did it first. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Sure it sounds petty and vindictive (and it is) but she could never deny me that. Ever hear the old cliche': "there's no going back"? Well, there isn't... unless you have time machine. Even if you want him back, he might not feel the same way. So your only option is to move on. You obviously have not had closure (and sex can NEVER BE closure since it's a good excuse to have ex sex) and need to do it soon. Closure means you're done in the relationship; nothing more needs to be said or done. Until you have it, you'll just keep pining away for an unrequited love.
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i think he loves you both. He also can't seem to make up his mind about what he wants. It seems from what you said that he calls you when he wants something and needs something and when he never answers you is because he dosen't know what he wants eaither. Also it maybe because if erika ever does break-up with him he feels like your always there and he wouldn't be lonely because he can run back to you but when you guys were dating maybe he did the same thing with another girl and didn't tell you. you should tell erika whats been going on and don't answer the phone if you do don't go with him anywhere anlone. if seems like he is using you for his needs. Hoped i helped. ~-*Amanda*-~
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w0w, . . wat a story i can relate to some of it and i think that you need to tel him the things that you just said and you need to tell him that he was your first love and you dont want to get over him and you want to be more then friends and you could say that no one will every love you like i do . . .well good luck i hope that everything works out and that you get him bak! good luck!!=) x0x
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okay.. this is how i see it.. he doesnt love her.. because if he seriously loved her.. with all his heart.. he wouldnt keep coming to you.. and he should not rub it in your face that you cheated on him.. because what hes doing is just as bad. i also think she deserves to know.. if she knew.. she could get over someone who is cheating on her and be with someone who truly loves her.. also.. i know you love him.. but seriously think about it.. if you and him ever started officailly dadting again.. he would probably cheat on you.. because it obviously doesnt bother him to cheat. at least you had the decentsy(sp?) to tell him.. he is leading this girl on..
what i would do.. is.. when he calls.. doooonntt answer.. and if you MUST answer.. tell him you guys can chill and hang out.. but.. nothyng like that.. tell him its because he has a girl and you dont thynk its right that he's cheating on her..
then stick to it.. dont just say it.. and not go thru with it!!
once you havent done anythyng in a while.. he might realize how important you are to him.. and that he wants you more then erika..
until then.. i would go to clubs.. and go party and meet new people.. try to find someone in the mean time.. and dont sit at home.. because that will make you want him.. find things to take your mind off him!!
... good luck!
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